I'm Going To Get...

...myself together for real. I've sat around and just existed for years and years with little progression. I'm nowhere near happy with myself, where I am, how I feel, what I look like, what my career is. I don't think i'm really happy about much these days. But all of that has to change. It has to. I just can't take this anymore.

So Norris has to:

Stop defending old excuses and start developing a new attitude. I had an "AHA" moment today when I almost didn't hang out with a friend. I actually tried to come up with an excuse as to why I shouldn't go. But I went.

Stop being a slave to my own negative aspects. They pop up when I don't want them to. They have got to go!! I have to stop thinking the worst or that nothing good can happen to me.

Learn to like me. Oh, I love myself, but I don't think that I like myself and constantly want to change aspects of myself.

Get off of my ass and get these finances in order. I know that I need a budget, but i've made excuses as to why I shouldn't make one. It's coming, but I think I need to find a financial counselor. I honestly can't do this on my own. I've even thought about filing bankruptcy even though I know I don't have to.

Everything here has something to do with my attitude and I have to find a way to get change that. The problem is that sometimes I don't think that I am doing anything wrong. I don't realize that it's wrong until after. Gotta change that.

I have to change a lot of things. And i'm starting today.

There Had Come A Point...

...in dating where I actually thought that there was something wrong with me. I've been reflecting on my dating experiences for the last week and I actually thought it must be something that I have been doing wrong.

Then I got real and realized that there is nothing WRONG with me. I've been doing the one thing that I know how to do and that is to be myself. I'm not going to blame myself for my dating issues. I'm just going to deal with them.

The only problem is that I haven't found someone that suits me and vice versa. I'll live with that thought until that person comes along.

I Feel A Lot...

...better today. The last 2 days have not been good for me or my spirit. So I got up this morning and played tennis for 3 hours. When I got on the court, I was still sluggish and feeling blah. But as I played, I felt better and better. I took my mind off of finances, men, obligations, life decisions, family issues, job, and everything else and I just played. I feel so much better.

The only problem with playing tennis so much is that my face is now much darker than the rest of my body. I may have to start playing naked!LOL

I'm Getting Tired Of...

...going out to clubs, parties, and other events. I've been feeling this way for a while and have been wondering why this change is occuring. I noticed last year that when my friends would want to go out, I started declining and would just stay at home. But when it was just an event that involved only my crew, I was all for it. In the last few weeks, i've figured out why I have become the way I have become.

Back in the early part of this decade, I would go out and people would be out to have fun. They danced and sang and partied until the club closed. That just doesn't happen anymore. It seems that people go out to social places just to be seen. They go to do what I call S&M, or Stand and Model. They stand around with their friends and associates with drinks in hand and try to see who's looking at them.

And don't dare speak!! Oh my!!! You get the "who are you to speak to me" look with a grab of the chest!! Why the hell are you going out if you don't want to interact with the other patrons of the social environment? I just don't get it. I remember once I spoke to a brotha and complimented him on his jeans because they were quite unique. This muthafucka turned his nose up at me and then turned his back to me. At first, I was going to let him HAVE IT!! But what would that do? Absolutely nothing but run up my blood pressure. So I just walked away.

Last week, I attended a BBQ hosted by a guy that I know. We got there pretty early so we were able to see who all was coming in. Me being the person that I am, when I walked in the door, I spoke to those already in attendance. I noticed that as people came in, they didn't speak to others that were already there. Why the hell not? As the crowd grew, people started retreating to their corners with their friends with drinks and food in hand. After a while (and a few drinks), I got kinda tired of what I was seeing. I recruited 2 of my friends to go with me to speak to and introduce ourselves to EVERY person at the BBQ!!! And we did!!!! You should have seen the looks on faces!!! People were utterly shocked that we would do such a thing!! How dare you have the audacity to speak to people and introduces yourselves. Oh no they didn't!!! Oh yes the hell we did!!

I think that's one of the reasons why i've cut waaaayyyy back on my going out. I didn't go to the annual white party this year. I only go out to a club maybe 1 time a month. I don't do parties that often anymore. What I do is hang with my crew a lot more. Instead of trying to meet new people, i'll concentrate on improving the relationships that I have now. I don't need to go out to do that.

Just Some Random Stuff

1. I sleep naked. I've been doing this since high school when I went to Upward Bound each summer. I used to have my own dorm room, so I just slept naked. I think that I started because I used to sweat a lot when I slept (not so much now) in undies and a tee. Now, when I meet someone new and we stay the night together and I get in the bed with clothes on, I can't sleep for anything.

2. I get tongue tied when trying to talk sometimes. I always have and probably always will. If I think about what I am trying to say before I say it, my pronunciation is perfect. But if i'm just talking and go too fast, it's all gibberish.

3. I'm scared of long strands of hair. That shit freaks me out. If I see a strand of hair on a bed, a toilet, or anywhere, I am prone to vomitting on the spot. I saw a long strand of hair on the plane today hanging from the overhead bin and walked to the other aisle. Nobody else saw it and people must have thought I was crazy.

4. When I wash my hands, I either close my eyes or stare at myself in a mirror. I just noticed this today. I also noticed that I wash my hands a lot more than is normal.

5. I smell my food. I have only recently started doing this in the last 3 or 4 years. When I started, it was very seldom that I did it. Now it's EVERY time I eat. People have started noticing, but I have also realized that i'm not the only person that does it.

6. When I drive, I slightly lean to one side or the other. I have not idea why I do this, but when I try to sit upright, I just feel unconfortable. I've been trying to sit upright more often so that I don't jack up my posture.

I wonder what quirky things you all can admit.

My Friends Really...

...opened my eyes last weekend during out Friday night discussion session! An I actually wasn't going to post this, but after reading Kenny King's post about his friend doing it to him, I had to.

Like I said, we were having our usual Friday night discussion session and the topic somehow ended up as too why some people can't keep a man. Then it got onto why I can't keep a man. Go figure. I told my friends that it's not that I can't keep a man, it's that when I realize that a dude isn't for me, I let the situation go. I don't see a point in continuing to date a dude I can't get along with or am not compatible with.

I told them that I am what a few dudes have called a bitch. And that's when they opened my eyes. I was told that the reason I can't/won't stay with a dude is that i'm too overbearing for the kind of guy that I like. They went on to explain that the kind of guys they have seen me date are guys with a strong and confident personality just like mine. After drinking another glass of wine and thinking about it, I realized that they were right, even though I knew that already. And that's when my eyes were opened. They also pointed out that the few passive guys that I have tried to date haven't lasted past a few weeks. Now that I already knew. I don't like guys that are pushovers. Like Kenny said, "even though I had already known this-- I have to admit that it felt good for someone so close to me to take the time to call me out in a loving, concerned way".

Over the last few days, I have been reviewing the relationships and dating situations that I have had and realizing that I am rather strong-minded. I don't like to be told what to do, but can and will tell you what to do. I like to be right and will only back down when I am proven to be wrong. I speak my mind even when my opinion is not solicited. Overall, I just have a very assertive personality.

So what was I to do? They explained that I should tone down on my personality and I will be fine. I have to learn to listen instead of being the one to talk. I have to let someone else take the lead. I have to become more attentive to my reactions. So that's what I plan to do. I know it's going to take some time to adjust myself, but if it's for the betterment of myself and my relationships (familial and platonic also), then that's something that i'm willing to do. I'm hoping that I can become a better liked and more respected person.

So, thanks to my friends for opening my eyes a little wider as to what I already knew was one of my problems. Ole blunt bitches!!!

I've Always Had A...

...very assertive, maybe even aggressive personality. Even as a child, I was one to say exactly how I felt, do things on my own, and stick to my guns. And I think that my childhood has a lot to do with how strong my personality is.

Even though I recognize my personality, I can't determine if it was natural or if it was nurtured. My parents, like most everyone elses', had a very strong influence on my life. My father was what we called a hellion. He could strike fear into a person just by looking at them. And my mother would cut you to your core with just a few words. The one thing that they always taught was to speak your mind and get your point across, but always listen to what is being said and what isn't being said to you. And I have always lived by those teachings.

I've always been known as the person that won't hold back a question. The person who will say exactly how he feels. The person who doesn't use euphemisms and calls a hoe a hoe. The person who won't back down from an argument. The person whose face you can read and know what he is thinking.

And a lot of that has turned people off over the years. What i'm learning now is to shut up sometimes. I'm learning to control my temper and my mouth. I'm learning to control my emotions from showing up on my face.

What i'm learning now is to adjust from being that Type-A person to at least a Type-AB person. And I feel happier already.

No Longer Will I...

...be the doer in my relationships. Whether they be platonic, romantic, or familial. I just refuse to do it anymore. I ALWAYS the one doing all the work to keep shit going and I refuse to do it anymore. I fucking refuse. People in my life are going to have to do as much for me as I do for them or they can go to hell.

...be the conformist in my relationships. Whether they be platonic, romantic, or familial. I just refuse to do it anymore. I am not a conformist in the sense that I do what everyone else does. I am a conformist in that I attempt to change myself to suit other people or to keep the peace. NO MORE!! NOPE! ABSOLUTELY NOT!

...be the only problem-solver in my relationships. Whether they be platonic, romantic, or familial. I just refuse to do it anymore. When someone has an issue, I do what I can to help them, sometimes hurting myself to help them. I do this even when they aren't doing anything to help themselves. This here will stop. If you aren't going to do for yourself, then don't even think to ask me for help.

...be the driver in my relationships. Whether they be platonic, romantic, or familial. I just refuse to do it anymore. I've dated dudes who have never been to my house to see me. I have friends who have never been to my house to see me. I have family members who have never been to my house to see me. From now on, you will have to put forth some effort to get in your car and drive that ass to see Norris.

To keep it simple, i'm just realizing that I do too much for others and don't get much in return. It's not other peoples's doing. It's mine and I know that. But people have gotten used to me being there for them. The problem with that is that I feel that they aren't there for me.

There are some changes coming up for me and my focus is to make life comfortable for me and not others. And if that means being called a bitch or losing some relationships, so be it.

I Don't Understand How...

...some people think. I really can't figure them out. I know i'm not perfect, but I at least think about things before I do them. Here's what inspired this post.

Wednesday, a friend of mine (Friend A) said that he wanted to go get something to drink. I was tired and sore from working out at the gym, so I suggested we go Thursday instead to which he said "cool". I also called another friend of mine (Friend B) and invited him also since the 3 of us were kinds making this hanging out a habit. We were to meet at 8:30pm at Joe's On Juniper to have a few drinks and some wings.

So Thursday comes and about 8:00pm I was just about to walk out the door. Something told me to confirm the time. So I text Friend A to confirm the time with him. I get a text back that said "I'm at the gym in Camp Creek, i'll text you when I get to my car." Now I sat back down and started thinking that if you were to meet people at 8:30 why would you be at a gym 20 miles from your house at 8:00? I didn't understand it.

I get a text from Friend B asking what time to meet and I explain to him the situation. He says cool. He's going to take a shower and to call him back with a new time. So I just suggested then that we just meet there at 9 to give him time to get his shower and make it to the restaurant. I sent Friend A a text telling him to just meet us at the restaurant when he could.

So I got in my car at 8:30 so that I could get to Midtown and find a place to park and go ahead and get a table. I made it there and rode around looking for a parking space before I found one around the corner. Something told me not to get out of the car, so I sat there for a while on the phone talking to my new boo (not Tuscany; that's over). I look up at the clock and it's 9:15. So I called Friend B to see how far away he is. He didn't answer. At that point, my mind told me to just drive back home. So I sent him a text saying "I just wanted to know how far away you are so that I don't get a table too soon". I get one back saying "Oh, i'm just getting dressed". I sent one back saying, "I'm just going to head home. I don't feel like waiting another hour". And I started my car and start driving home pissed off.

About 5 minutes into my drive Friend A called me and said that he was about 20 minutes away. I told him that I was just heading home because I was no longer in the mood to be around anyone. Of course I told him about himself and reminded him what ADVANCED NOTICE is when you are altering plans. His excuse for being late: He got free 1-day passes to go to the gym with his co-workers and wanted to use it. Really? So you wait to go the gym at 7:30 when you are supposed to meet your friends at 8:30? Really.

While talking to him, Friend B calls and without even telling Friend A, I just swapped calls (yeah I know it was rude) and started getting Friend B together. He asked me to come back because he was on his way and told me that I texted him initially he was just getting home and needed time to unwind. I asked him why the hell couldn't he have just said that before I got in my fucking car and drove 20 damn miles for him to be at home unwinding!!!!!!!

Maybe I just overreacted, but if you tell me a time for something, that's when I will be ready to do it. If I can't do something or will be late, i'll give you as much notice as possible. I always thought that this was common courtesy. But I guess it isn't all that common.

I've always been courteous to people and I always keep my word when I say that I will do something. But it's getting to the point that I feel that I am being taken for granted. I refuse to feel that way anymore. I'm tired of being the good one who everyone can rely on, but having no one to rely on for myself. I'm sick of it.

I guess my issue is that because I always keep my word to do something or give plenty of notice that I can't, I expect other people to be just as responsible. Well I was always told that if you never expect anything, you won't be disappointed.

So I guess what i'll do is treat people how I am treated. I'll start committing to events and happenings and not show up or be extremely late. I'll stop returning emails, text messages, and phone calls. I'll stop jumping up to help people when they need something. I'll stop being a shoulder to cry on when a boyfriend has them crying. I'll just be a bitch when I don't need to.

Since no one notices the good shit about me, let's see how soon they can notice the bad.

I Know I'm Getting Older Because...

...I noticed that I was driving with 2 hands today. I have never done that before. It's always been one hand on the steering wheel and 1 on the gear shift or my chin.

I noticed that I have been squinting at shit even when I have my contact lenses in. I have no idea why I have been doing that since I can see perfectly when my "store bought eyes" are in.

I noticed that I couldn't care any less about what people think about me. A few weeks ago, my motto became "FUCK THEM HOES".

I noticed that some days I want to wear khakis and a polo shirt instead of jeans and a T-shirt or shorts and sneakers.

I noticed that i'm thinking about the long term when making the smallest of decisions. I guess it's time to start saving for retirement.

I'm saying more and more things that my mother and father used to say and understanding what they meant and why they made sense.

Yes, I am getting older. Well everyone is getting older, but what I am really doing is maturing into a better, more level-headed mindset. And that's a good thing.

I Think I'm Ready...

...to let someone into my romantic space. I'm not 100% sure that i'm ready to do this, but this dude has been pretty persistent in his quest to get my attention and he's finally gotten it. I'll call him Tuscany. I met Tuscany through a mutual friend of ours and thought that it was refreshing to NOT have to meet a guy online. We've been known each other since October and went on one date back then.

When I met Tuscany, it was by passive means. He told a mutual friend of mine that he thought that I was cute and the friend introduced us. At first, I was turned off because I don't like passive dudes. If you want to talk to me, then do it yourself. But since I was 100% single, I decided to just see what would happen. It turns out that I like the dude.


Initially I kind of ruled him out as a dating prospect because he isn't the usual type of dude that I would date. And what I mean by that is that he's kinda soft. And by soft, I don't mean feminine, I just mean soft. He's the kind of dude that would call AAA to change a tire instead of doing it himself because he doesn't know how. He's the type that would call his father or brother over to move a dresser or sofa. He's the type that would run from a bug instead of killing it. I've never liked men that can't do things for themselves and i've always dated guys who could do "manly" things like the ones mentioned above.


I've had my reservations about dating him because I have this issue with being more aggressive or assertive than the man that I date. I'm not saying that i'm more OF a man than him or anything like that. But I have always wanted a dude who was as or more assertive than me. I like a dude that's straight forward and says what's on his mind. And it seems like that's what most dudes want. But gay, Black men like that are in short supply. And even when I do find one, they don't want me for some reason or another. One guy told me that I was too "butch" for him and he wanted a small-framed, feminine dude. Well that isn't me in the least bit.

But as it goes, i'm liking this dude, so i'm giving it a chance. We've agreed to forget all the labels and titles and just "like" each other. And so far it seems to be working.

After 5 Years of...

...having online "dating" accounts, I decided that it was time to get rid of them. "Why did you do that?", some may ask. I did it because it's a part of my plan to get rid of things that aren't doing me any real good.


When I sat back and thought about it, I realized that I spent countless hours on A4A and M4N when I could have been using that time to do something more constructive. I could have spent those hours volunteering. I could have spent those hours in the gym. I could have spent those hours with my family and friends. I could have spent those hours getting better at my job. I could have been doing something that was beneficial to my life.


But in all honesty, I thought that I was doing just that. I thought that I would meet the man that I would build and maintain a relationship with. Alas, I didn't. What I did get was a plenty of one-night stands that could and should have been no-night stands. I also got a bunch of heartache from a few of the guys that I attempted to date. Now I can't say that everything was bad. I did meet a few guys that actually knew what a date was, but nothing ever came after that. And I met 1 person who I can now consider a dear friend.


I guess it seemed like meeting a guy online was easier to do. I didn't have to leave the house. I didn't have to spend any money. I didn't have to do anything but login, select a dude, and say hello. It made dating so easy. Or so I thought. The problem was that I would start chatting with 1 dude and get get intrigued, only to start chatting with another dude and get the same feeling. It made it seem like there was always something better one click away. Then on other times, I would see a dude out and about that I was attracted to. I wouldn't say anything to him there, but if I saw him online, I would strike up a conversation. Being shy and scared is so unbecoming that I always felt ashamed when I did that.


But on Monday, I decided that it was not working for me. I would spend hours chatting with dudes never to meet them. I chose not to meet most of them because I could see that they weren't what I wanted. And after you realize that most guys are internet liars you start to get tired of it. They are one thing online, but something totally different in person. I've met quite a few dudes who aged 5 years, or gained 50 pounds, or their dicks shrunk from the time between us chatting to us meeting. Or worse yet, the guys who have no picture but want to meet you. Why guys have to lie or deceive I never will understand. But I don't have to worry about that anymore.


The online profiles are gone and so are the problems and issues that go along with them. So long!!

So It Wasn't As...

...hard as I thought it was to let go of the exes and the old dates. To keep it basic, I told CC "no, you can't visit me when you drive through Atlanta" and then I told him why. I didn't say anything to Hollywood because I didn't have to. I told Infiniti that if nothing has happened in 3 years but sex, then nothing is going to happen and we're done. I deleted Delta's number. I deleted Coca-Cola's number. And any dude i've met recently, I just deleted his number. But one of them just doesn't want to let go. If you guessed that it was Dreads, then you guessed correctly.

He sent me a text message last week saying that he thinks that it's on purpose that I haven't called him in over a month. When I told him that the my phone is a 2 way device that makes and receives calls, he got perturbed. This reminded me of one of the reasons why we broke up 7 years ago. We had a conversation where he told me that I couldn't make a decision on my own to end contact with him without his input!! EXCUSE ME!!!! He got an earful of how what decisions I make are mine to make and that as a grown ass man, I have that right and that privilege. We let the conversation simmer down to where we could talk without defense and just listen.

We both agreed that it's time for things to come to a close or for us to become a couple again. We also agreed that a conversaton on that subject would be better in person. So I agreed to drive the 3 hours to the city where I went to college and he still lives. As I was preparing my mind for the drive, he informed me that he was having dinner with his other ex and his exes friends (oh really). So I said that I would wait until a better time.

Even though I agreed to wait to have this talk, I had already made my decision. I'm not waiting any longer. It's time to let go and move on completely. I'm done with thinking that one day, he and I will pick up where we left off (although with a lot more maturity). I'm done comparing every new dude with him. I'm done feeling as though I owe him my loyalty. I'm done with being the person he runs to when things go wrong in his life. I'm done with being his decision maker. I'm done with him.

I can imagine that when I start to think of the good times we had, i'm going to miss him. But it's what I need to do to prepare myself for my life partner. For some reason, I feel that time is near and I have to be completely available.

I told myself that 2009 was MY year of change for the better. I'm going to make sure that happens.

Sometimes I Sit and Wonder...

...about what my dreams and goals are. I think about those fantasical dreams that most people have such as winning the lottery, or living in some exotic local, or falling in love with someone who's in love with you.

But honestly, I don't know what I truly dream about having in my life. I don't know what I want. I can't figure it out. I know i'd like to have a loving, supportive partner. I know i'd like to have a career as an attorney. I know i'd like to have a lil wealth. But are those dreams? I don't think that they are. I believe that dreams are those things that you think you can't achieve, but you strive to make them come true.

So I think that's what my 2009 will be about. It's time to figure out how to make my dreams become reality.

Bits and Pieces

Earlier today I was reading YABG's blog entitled One Big Circle. In it he said "once you give someone a piece of your heart, you never get it back" and it really brought some emotions flooding back into my head. It got me to thinking about some of the men that I have dated and especially about the one's who still have a piece of my heart. Those men are in chronological order, Dreads, Chicago, VP, and Hollywood.

As I was driving home from work today, I started to wonder why each one of these men still captures my heart (and/or mind). It didn't take long for me to figure it out. There was something about each of them that I got from them that I still desire.

Dreads: What was it that Dreads gave me that I still desire in a partner? I figured out that this man was there for ME unconditionally. He did everything for me that I wanted and needed. I never had to worry about anything. When I got transferred to Birmingham, he moved with me. When we first started dating and I didn't have money, he gave me money. Even though he was 100% top when we met, he gave up some booty every once in a blue moon. His focus was all about keeping me happy and satisfied. I still want a man that puts me first. Even though it's been almost 7 years since we dissolved our relationship, he still holds and most likely will always own a piece of my heart.

Chicago-What was it that Chicago gave me that I still desire in a partner? I figured out that he was a truly kind, understanding, thoughful, and genuine person who cared about me. I could see it in his eyes each time I looked at him and he SHOWED it everytime we saw each other. We dated long distance for a year and I loved it. I'll never forget our first date when he took me to Giordano's Pizza, a movie, and around the city of Chicago. Each time I visited him (except that 1 time), he had planned something for us to do each time. I never doubted that he cared about me and I really felt like he was making sure that I knew that he cared about me. And I always felt comfortable with him. I still want a man that makes me feel comfortable and cared about. Even though we stopped dating 5 years ago, he still holds a piece of my heart.

VP-What was it that VP gave me that I still desire in a partner? Physically, he was everything that I wanted in a man. He was tall, attractive, sexy, thick-bodied, and did I say sexy? I loved looking at him, touching him, sexing him, holding him and just being around him. I had an affinity for VP that I couldn't and still can't explain. And I still do. In addition, he made me feel like I was the sexiest man on earth. The way that he looked at me. The way that he held me. The way that he sexed me. The compliments that he gave me. How he jumped in the shower with me and showered took the soap and towel and finished bathing me. The things that he did, just made me feel sexy and desired. I want a man to make me feel like that again. I'm not sure if it's my heart or my head that he still has a piece of, but he still has a piece of me in some form.

Hollywood-What was it that Hollywood gave me that I still desire in a partner? Hollywood had that confident, independent, "i'm a man and i'm your man" type of vibe going on. I loved his confidence. I loved his aggression and assertive attitude. He was the type of guy that could make a decision for both of us and I could agree with it. He could plan something and all I had to do was show up. He didn't ask me to do things that he could do himself. I didn't have to prod him to do anything. I didn't have pay for every date or drive to every date. He let me put my mind to rest while I was with him. And I still want a man with an independent spirit (like I have). Even though it's been over a year that we broke up, Hollywood still has a piece of my heart.

Even though each relationship or situation ended years ago, I'm still learning from them. In addition, if either one of these men asked me to get back to them, I can't say that I would say "no" to them. Each one still has that something about them that I want. The only issue is that i'm hoping to meet someone that has most of the qualities that I want.

So some of you may ask, " when do you move on" and I'll answer with this. You move on when the quality that the person has/had loses importance to you or you meet someone else who has it. I have yet to move on, but i'll be glad when I can.

When You Turn 30...

...your life will change. Your whole perspective on life will change and you will start to live differently.

How many of us have heard something like this before? I can say that I have heard it countless times in my life by a range of people. I heard it from family, friends, colleagues, and strangers. Each time I heard it, I would think "well, i'll see when I turn 30".

Well guess what? They were right. Since I have turned 30, the way that I look at life has changed for the better and I have come to realize some things:

1. I don't have to do anything for someone that I don't want to do. If I don't feel like helping out a friend, then I don't have to. If I don't feel like going to work, then I don't have to. If I don't want to talk to the person that I am dating today, I don't have to. I don't HAVE to do ANYTHING I don't want to.

2. Life does not have to be stressful. It really doesn't. I are stressed because I allow myself to be stressed. So what if I don't have the money to pay the power bill. Is stressing out about it going to get it paid? Hell no it isn't. I'll pay it when I can, but I won't worry about it. So what if the dude you met the other night hasn't called you since you gave him some ass. Is worrying about it going to make him call? Hell no it isn't. Let that shit go and move on. Sometimes you just have to say "Fuck It" and let shit flow on down the "Small Shit River"

3. I should have money for needs and wants. Having money to do the things you need/want to do makes life easier. One thing that I've realized since 30 is that I HAVE to take care of my needs before my wants. If I need to get an oil change, i'll do that before I head to the liquor store. If I get low on funds, at least I got what I needed first. It's not necessary to have an abundance of money, but one should never run out. For the first time in my life, i'm not in a situation where there is more month at the end of the money.

4. I don't have to have a man in my life. It totally unnecessary for my well being. I swear that I used to spend part of my day thinking about why I was single. Wondering why I wasn't in a relationship or dating someone seriously. Then I realized how much time I was wasting thinking about having/not having a man. When it's time for a man, he'll be there. But if i'm single, then that's where i'm supposed to be.

5. I am where I am supposed to be. I used to think that by the time I am XYZ age, I should be doing this or doing that. People have said shit to me like "you should have bought a house by so and so age" or "you should be saving for retirement by the time you are this or that age" "you should go back to school before you turn ABC". Well I've come to realize that life is not scripted and it will come to you as it comes to you. There is no timer on when things happen in your life.

All in all, these 5 things are helping to make me a happier person and now I'm waiting for 40. I'm gonna take my lessons learned and try to make my life easier. I also want to take these next few years to get my life the way that I want it. I've waiting long enough and wasted enough time.

Before I turned 30, I was also told that 30 is when you start to get serious about life. Now that right there, I know they weren't BSing about!

I Need To Get...

...back to this size. When I took this picture back in 2006, I was all of 169lbs. I had a 32 inch waist and a flat stomach. Now i'm 206 lbs, with a 36 inch waist and an intermediate (it ain't a beginner) belly!!! THIS HAS TO STOP!!!




I'm going to have to start heading back to the gym 3-4 times a week again and stop eating a 3 piece from Popeyes 2-3 times a week. The madness has to stop.

My 31st birthday is in March and my present to myself is to be back where I was in this picture by then. My original birthday present to myself was actually to have liposuction, but HELL NAW!!!! I can do this!!! Yes I Can!!!!!

Life Just Ain't Fair

I just don't understand it. Do you ever wonder why some peoples' lives just seem to be so perfect? Do you wonder what they are doing to that you are not? Or is it that they are just blessed by God? Why can't I be one of those people?

I swear that sometimes, I just want to scream because NOTHING seems to go the way that I want it to. It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try or what I do. No matter how much I plan. No matter how much I pray. No matter anything. I swear that NOTHING seems to go how I want it to go. NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know what to do and sometimes feel like giving up and saying fuck it. But how do you give up on life? What the hell does that mean?

Sometimes, I want to just sail off to a deserted island and just be by myself where noone can bother me. Where I don't have to worry about bills, or a career, or relationships or anything.

Don't worry, i'm sure that this will pass soon enough. I just need a few days to get myself together.

Unlike Solange...

...I haven't decided.

Can you believe that we have about a month and a half until the presidential election and I have not made a decision on who will get my vote or even if I will vote?

I can honestly say that I do not know who I am voting for. And since I am not a member of any political party, I feel no obligation to choose a candidate for either party. In the past, I just voted for the Democrat because that's what Mom and Dad used to do. But now, I see that both parties have good and bad about them. I agree with ideals of both Democrats and Republicans.

The problem here is that neither candidate has said or done anything to impress me or persuade me into voting for him. And after listening to them both, I think that they are both full of bullish when it comes to the plans they have and the promises that they make. Neither one of them can say for sure of what they will do when in office.

Of course I have been bombarded with reasons why I should consider one candidate over the other, but none of those reasons has been valid enough to persuade me. "McCain has more experience." "Obama can rally the people." "Obama can make history." McCain will work with the other party. None of the reasons have done anything for me. And all of the negative media advertisements don't make things any better.

So at this point, I don't know if I am will mark a box in the PRESIDENTIAL ballot at all. But I will cast ballots in the local, city, and state elections. We have state senators up for election and those are the people who really decide the direction our country takes.

Executive Decision

So I have been thinking the last month about what I want to do with my career and have come to a decision.

Since I was in high school, I wanted to be an attorney; a prosecutor to be exact. When my senior year of college came, I was ready to apply and was all excited to be going. But then something started to happen in my life that distracted me from my dream. For some reason, I fell into a deep depression. I was so depressed that I couldn't sleep or I slept too much. I started having panic attacks anytime and anywhere. Depression was affecting everything in my life from my relationship and family to work and school. After about 2 months of feeling like life was over, I started going to see a counselor (who was actually a psychiatry intern). It took me about 3 months of visits each Tuesday to get back to normal. Needlesss to say, while I was thinking life was over, the last thing on my mind was continuing my education. I didn't complete the law school application process and subsequently didn't get in.

Each year, I said that I was going to apply and go back, but then I started working full-time in a hotel operations career. As my pay increased, so did my debt. Of course since I was out of school, I had to pay back student loans, I had car note, rent and credit card bills. So I decided that I was going to lower my debt to zero before I went back to school. That was years ago and i'm still not in law school, but i'm still in debt.

But on Monday, I made the decision that debt-be-damned, i'm applying to law school for admission in the fall of 2009. Applying to law school is a process that i've been afraid of because it's not an easy one. But i'm starting the process on Friday when I get home from this trip.

I'm not worried about getting into law school. What i'm worried about is paying for it. Tuition is no where near inexpensive, so it looks like more loans for me. I will be applying for grants, scholarships and other moneys, but loans will probably be my largest means of paying tuition.

So wish me luck on my process!!

Oh yeah. I did say 2 decisions didn't I? Well that other decision was to just stick with this job I have until I know whether or not I am accepted to law school. I don't know if I will make it though until next August though.