I Just Realized That...

...whenever I start dating someone consistently I gain weight. I stepped on the scale last week and it read 202lbs. Yes people, I have gained back 10 of the 14 lbs that I lost over the summer.

I thought about way back in college when Dreads and I started dating, I gained weight.

When Chicago and I started dating back in 02, I gained weight.

When VP and I started fucking, I gained weight.

When Hollywood and I started dating I gained weight.

When CC and I started dating, I gained weight.

And now that GE and I have started dating, I have gained weight.

I started wondering why the hell this happens and it didn't take long to figure it out. Most dates include food and drinks. Plain and simple. The other night, GE and I were watching TV and he asked me about 10 times what we were going to eat. He ordered a pizza and wings and we ate most of it. The night before that, we hung out with some of his friends. Between us, we had 6 martinis. He had 4 and I had 2.

And i'm wondering why I have gone back over 200lbs. This shit is going to have to stop. We are going to have to do things that don't involved food and alcohol. I'm going to try to plan dates that involve some kind of physical activity (and sex doesn't count). But hell, what date can you do that involves physical activity?

Any ideas?

I've Never Done This Before...

...but I am going to post a picture of the guy that I am dating. I have always been cautious about doing that, but in the age of Facebook it's not such a big deal anymore. He posted about 30 pictures of us on his page (which also show up on mine). So here ya go.





I have a little faith in this dude for some reason, so i'm going to start showing it.

I Read This Editorial, But...

...I'm not sure how I feel about it. But here it is. Let me know how you feel about it.

A Non-Pessimistic View On Why the Majority of SGL\Black Gay Men of Color Will Grow Old Alone

An editorial by Cleon T. Day, III

Some of you might think that the first part of the title doesn’t match up with the latter part. How can stating “the majority of SGL/Black Gay Men of Color will grow old alone” be a non pessimistic view. Well for one thing in the closer picture in your life with the exception of a few can you count the number of people you personally know who are in a long-term relationship on two hands. The facts within your own circle is evidence of the majority of SGL/Black Gay Men of Color being alone.

Many of you can give “good reasons” why you are alone. Some of you will say that it’s your choice but I believe it’s not your choice as it is the climate not being right, quality relationship- oriented men being available or accessible. I believe if you move in the same circles you been in for several or many years you will continue to experience men in the same circles you move in, the ones you don't want. Then there are those men who are tired of the games and the past headaches of the last or past relationships and are forced by the lack of available or accessible of SGL/Black Gay Men of Color looking for a long-term relationship so you resign yourself from the whole thing of going out and looking a partner.

At some point SGL/Black Gay Men of Color who have only dated within their race will date outside of their culture to find not perfection but “a good man”. For some odd reason there’s a notion that Caucasian men are good candidates for long-term relationship, a belief that there’s more stability, a partnership where there’s personal and material growth. Also Black Gay Men of Color are looking for respect something they aren’t getting too much of from their own brothas. On the other hand a conscious Same-gender Loving man would never consider dating descendants of former slave owners.

I postulate that there are more single relationship- oriented Same Gender Loving/Black Gay Men of Color available than there are not. However what I do say is although they’re available they’re not as easily accessible to us the majority of us. I believe most of these men are for the most part undetectable or as we say in gay terms "unclockable" . Some of these men are closeted and discreet while other unclockable men don’t define themselves as being out but just low-keyed and have no problems in going out with a brotha on a Friday or Saturday night where other heterosexual couples are going to be. However they don't see themselves standing out as a sore thumb but two male men out to catch a movies as any straight brothas and yet they're not measuring themselves against what "they" so.

So here are the facts as I see them;

1. Many of the men we tend to run into in the circles we continue to run in are not honestly looking for a relationship but if it happens it happens, in the meantime it’s about getting some dick or booty or both.

2. There are perhaps SGL/Gay Men of Color in every profession and income level that you can think of with the exception of President or Vice President of the United States.

3. Most of these SGL/Gay Men of Color are single and are not in the clubs or on the adult male sites looking for a long-term relationship.

4. Many long-term relationship- oriented SGL/Black Gay Men of Color are discreet, low key and go about their daily routine of going to work everyday and living for the weekend.

5. Many of these men will meet men from time to time whether it’s at the gym, at work or by chance in a grocery store. It might start off as a sexual encounter but because they are relationship- oriented it might turn into something more.

I believe if we continue to move in the same circles of meeting guys who aren't who we want or stay to ourselves undetected, relationship- oriented SGL/Black Gay Men of Color will continue to be by themselves and grown old alone.

I was good with his article until he gave his "facts" as he sees them.

1. Many of the people in circles I see do want relationships. They just don't want relationships with each other.

2. What was the point of that? I don't think that people really care that much about income. I know I don't. As long as you can take care of yourself, i'm good.

3. Well, where are they? The reason that people feel comfortable with clubs and chat sites is because they know that the men are same-sex attracted.

4. How does he know this? And what does he mean by discreet and low-key?

5. Again, how does he know this?

What do you all think?

There Had Come A Point...

...in dating where I actually thought that there was something wrong with me. I've been reflecting on my dating experiences for the last week and I actually thought it must be something that I have been doing wrong.

Then I got real and realized that there is nothing WRONG with me. I've been doing the one thing that I know how to do and that is to be myself. I'm not going to blame myself for my dating issues. I'm just going to deal with them.

The only problem is that I haven't found someone that suits me and vice versa. I'll live with that thought until that person comes along.

I Feel A Lot...

...better today. The last 2 days have not been good for me or my spirit. So I got up this morning and played tennis for 3 hours. When I got on the court, I was still sluggish and feeling blah. But as I played, I felt better and better. I took my mind off of finances, men, obligations, life decisions, family issues, job, and everything else and I just played. I feel so much better.

The only problem with playing tennis so much is that my face is now much darker than the rest of my body. I may have to start playing naked!LOL

I Refuse To Allow...

...anyone to make me feel like what I do makes me a bad person.

I refuse to allow anyone to make me feel bad about myself.

I refuse to allow anyone to use me for their gain.

I refuse to allow anyone to mistake my generousity for weakness.

I just had enough. I really have. After 13 years of dating and relationships, i've come up with nothing. I'm absolutely tired of it. I just can't deal with the requirements, stipulations, non-compromising situations, disrespect, deception, and just plain stupidity. I'm just tired of it.

I can't change the type of person that I am, but what I will do is change the type of person I choose to date. After thinking about it i've come to the conclusion that my biggest issue with dating is overlooking and forgiving issues that I have with people. I try to be realistic and understand that people aren't perfect and that they will make mistakes. But as strong as I think I am, i'm actually pretty weak when it comes to dating. Family and friends know that i'm strong and aggressive, but when it comes to dating, i'm weak as hell.

I actually have noticed that the older i"ve gotten, the weaker I have gotten. My thinking is that i'm getting that "get a man before I get too old" feeling. I can't think that way. I just can't. I've got to change my mindset and know that I don't HAVE to romantically have someone in my life to complete me. I've got to learn to enjoy me.

Well after those 13 years, i've come to realize that I have to change my tactics. How i'm going to do that, i'm not sure, but something has to give. So first thing Monday morning...

Repost: 7/19/05 Free, Single, and Disengaged

Since i'm feeling like i'm in this situation again, I feel as though this post needs to be seen again!!
It was originally posted on 7/19/05!!!


I want to introduce you all to FSD. Free, Single, and Disingaged. I don't have to call anyone. Dont have to wonder about where he is. Dont have to wonder about about what he is doing. Dont have to wonder about who he is with. I ain't got to think about anybody but me. But there is a difference in those three words.

Free-I may be dating someone but there are not expectations on the part of either party. I don't have to call you. I can go out with other people if I choose. I can have sex with anyone willing to do it with me. We can basically use each other to occupy time by going out on dates with each other.

Single-I may be seeing someone. We may have been seeing each other for a year or two. But, there is no commitment on either part. We may acknowledge that we are a couple, but there still has not been a commitment. We have totally separate lives. We don't share finances. We don't consult each other on life decisions. We don't know the other person's family.

Disengaged-I am not seeing anyone. I am not dating anyone. I ain't trying to be bothered because I am S.A.L.I. Single and Loving It. But notice that I didn't say anything about sexing somebody. A man has to get what he needs.

But I do have a confession. I'm single, and free, but not disengaged. I am dating someone. The same person that was the subject of "The Wonderful Letter X" post. I decided to give him another chance. "Why did you do that" some may ask. It's simple. I like him and do see potential in him. And he has agreed to get a mobile phone.

Maybe It's Just Me But...

...i'm feeling bothered by something and want to get some opinions on this.

Let's say you met a guy about a month ago. Fuck it!! I met a dude about a month ago and apparently he recorded my phone number incorrectly. I had just written him off by then. Then Sunday I went to play spades and he shows up since he lives in the same building as the host. We reconnect and have some convo and we ended up playing around later *no actual sex* that night (sue me, I was horny).

We've talked multiple times since then and he's telling me that he couldn't get me off of his mind for that month that we lost contact. I can't lie, the brotha left an impression on me that night also. That's the only reason he got my number. We've talked and several times and he's told me all that shit that I like to hear. But i've kept my guard up because we really and truly just met. I ain't trying to get goo goo eyes over a dude I just met. I mean the muthafucka is fine as cat hair, extremely masculine, and seems to be quite intellectual and he's getting his doctorate. But again, I'm not trying to get stupid over anyone.

I go to that same spot to play spades again and he's there. Since everyone there knows everyone there, we've kept the fact that we hooked up to ourselves. So there wasn't much interaction between the 2 of us. But I was playing spades and looked around to get a secret wink at him and didn't see him. When I got up from the table, I called him to tell him that I was about to leave. I figured that he was at home and I was going to ask him if I could stop by since I fly out Friday and he flys out Thursday. He answers and I ask him if he had left. To that he replied "yes" and then "let me call you back". All I could say was OK.

As I was preparing to leave, one of my boys asks me to play another game of spades with him. I sit down at the table and look out on the patio and he's standing on the patio looking me in my face. Of course, the first thing that came to my mind was "I thought he said he had left", but I let it go and continued my game.

Then when that game was over, I was preparing to leave. My card partner asked me to step out on the patio so that he could tell me about his new job opportunity. So I step out there and dude who I kicked it with is out there with some dude hanging off his neck. I didn't say anything, but just looked at him surprised. I told my boy that it was too hot out there and that we should step back inside to talk about his topic.

Now this is where I would like to have your opinions! I know I just met this dude for real on Sunday, but I was bothered. It wasn't curiosity, but truly frustration with brothas and there shit. I find it disrespectful to be hugged up with another dude while you're in the presence of someone YOU say you've want to holla at since you met. That's just not some shit I would do and I consider it foul as hell.

The strange thing about this shit is there were 2 different dudes flirting their asses off with me!! And one of them, I was attracted to like a muthafucka But because dude was there, I brushed it off.

So I have 2 questions.

1. Should I have been bothered by what I saw?

2. Should I have taken the cute dude who was flirting up on his game?

Let me know.


**Continuation***

First let me say that I am going to have to edit my post so that I don't seem so angry. I wasn't upset about the situation, I was just surprised. I knew I would need to get clarification from Doctorate so that I could clear my head.

I called Doctorate and we talked about what actually happened. When I called last night to see if he had left, he says that he told me "yes, i'm out on the patio, let me call you back". All I heard was "yes". But anyway I wasn't too worried about that situation.

On the other situation, he says that the guy that had his arms around his neck is a non-issue. They guy was drunk (to which several people there attested to) and he got a little too touchy feely. Doctorate says that when he wanted to push the guy off of him, but didn't want to cause a scene. Aight, so since I got my explanation and he got his about why I left, we're all good.

Now what I asked him was:

Can you be upfront and honest with me about anything that may happen between us?

Can you be truthful when I have a question about something?

Can you be respectful of me from the beginning?

Are you completely single and looking to date?

I got an answer in the affirmative on all of these questions and so did he when he returned them to me. I'm didn't ask him anything to try to jump into a committment. I asked him because I want to be assured that i'm not dealing with another brotha that is about head games. I just don't have the patience for it anymore. I'd rather ask upfront about a brotha's intentions.

So as of now, he and I are just going to try to enjoy each other and see what happens.

And i've got to learn to not overreact!!

One Of The Definitions of...

...the word CONSISTENT is: constantly adhering to the same principles, course, form, etc. I don't think that a lot of men understand what this word means, so I have decided to blog about it.

How many of us have met a guy and he says all the right things to get you to like him or be attracted to him? We all have haven't we? How many of us have also had that guy to call you, visit, text you or whatever multiple times a day? We all have haven't we? How many of you have seen those call decrease over the few weeks after meeting that guy until they cease? We all have haven't we?

I recently had this happen to me with a guy that I had really started to think could be consistent. I won't even bother giving him a blog name because it's pointless now. We met and had a nice date. We talked a couple times a day. We sent and received text messages dozens of times a day. We spent time together when I wasn't traveling. Then after that first month, I noticed that the "good morning" and "good night" texts and calls were less frequent. Then he couldn't come over or didn't have time for me to visit him.

I never stopped with my calls, text, or desire to visit or go on a date. I never do. If we start out calling each other on our lunch break, i'll continue that every single day. If we start in the morning or before bed, i'll continue that. If we start visiting twice a week, i'll continue doing that. This is called consistently and I belive it in. I also believe that if this consistency is interrupted, then something could me amiss. And I will address it.

So me being me, I called him and asked him if he was actually single and available to date and if so, if he wanted to date and continue to get to know me. His reply was "I am single, but at this point in my life, I have too much going on to date someone. I would like to continue to get to know you, but i just don't have time to date." I wasn't shocked, upset or anything else because I knew that something wasn't right. My reply to him was "I don't want to just get to know someone, I want to seriousy date and form a relationship. Because you don't have time to date, I believe that it's best for us to cease contact". He attempted to convince me to change my mind, but I was done and I told him goodbye. I don't understand how you can get to know someone without actually dating. Truth be told, I didn't know there was a difference.

When people break from what they normally do, something makes them it. If a person deviates from a habit or regular function for no apparent reason, I begin to wonder why. Something caused them to change course and I will ask why. No doubt about it, I will ask.

What I don't understand is why when dating, people can't be consistent. And if they can't be consistent, why they can't communicate what they truly feel to you so you can make an informed decision on what you want to do with them? I truly don't understand it. I can do it, so why can't they?

I have attemtped to date so many of these inconsistent and non-communicative brothas that I have become fed up. But unlike others, I won't become bitter and become one of them. I'll continue to be same ole consistent Norris and hope for the best.

That's all I have to say.

My Friends Really...

...opened my eyes last weekend during out Friday night discussion session! An I actually wasn't going to post this, but after reading Kenny King's post about his friend doing it to him, I had to.

Like I said, we were having our usual Friday night discussion session and the topic somehow ended up as too why some people can't keep a man. Then it got onto why I can't keep a man. Go figure. I told my friends that it's not that I can't keep a man, it's that when I realize that a dude isn't for me, I let the situation go. I don't see a point in continuing to date a dude I can't get along with or am not compatible with.

I told them that I am what a few dudes have called a bitch. And that's when they opened my eyes. I was told that the reason I can't/won't stay with a dude is that i'm too overbearing for the kind of guy that I like. They went on to explain that the kind of guys they have seen me date are guys with a strong and confident personality just like mine. After drinking another glass of wine and thinking about it, I realized that they were right, even though I knew that already. And that's when my eyes were opened. They also pointed out that the few passive guys that I have tried to date haven't lasted past a few weeks. Now that I already knew. I don't like guys that are pushovers. Like Kenny said, "even though I had already known this-- I have to admit that it felt good for someone so close to me to take the time to call me out in a loving, concerned way".

Over the last few days, I have been reviewing the relationships and dating situations that I have had and realizing that I am rather strong-minded. I don't like to be told what to do, but can and will tell you what to do. I like to be right and will only back down when I am proven to be wrong. I speak my mind even when my opinion is not solicited. Overall, I just have a very assertive personality.

So what was I to do? They explained that I should tone down on my personality and I will be fine. I have to learn to listen instead of being the one to talk. I have to let someone else take the lead. I have to become more attentive to my reactions. So that's what I plan to do. I know it's going to take some time to adjust myself, but if it's for the betterment of myself and my relationships (familial and platonic also), then that's something that i'm willing to do. I'm hoping that I can become a better liked and more respected person.

So, thanks to my friends for opening my eyes a little wider as to what I already knew was one of my problems. Ole blunt bitches!!!

What If...

I got this over at Thaddeus's blog and just felt the need to answer these questions even though I don't have a partner and haven't had one in 7 years. I'll answer each question with a "probably" or "most likely" because I can never for sure what I will do.


There are three things that if a man does not know, he cannot live long in this world: what is too much for him, what is too little for him and what is just right for him.Lets answer some what if questions:

1. What if you come home early one day and find a built and buffed good looking sexy brother watching television with your partner? You don't know this man from Adam?

Well, I would honestly be shocked. Hopefully, if my partner is my partner, I would know all of his friends. But me being me, the look on my face would be enough for my partner to know what I was thinking. I would probably just continue on with whatever plan I had for when I got home.

2. What if you over hear your partner on the phone telling someone that he can't wait to see him later?

I'd most likely ask him who it was he couldn't wait to see.

3. What if you find condoms and a half-empty bottle of KY lube in your partner's gym bag that you know he didn't use with you?

I don't think that I would be searching my partner's gym bag to begin with. But if I did and I found those items, I would probably sit them on dresser of our bedroom for him to see and then just wait for him to explain. If I felt he was lying, I would go straight Tasha Mack on that ass!!

4. What if you see your partner out with another man you don't know? You are surprised to see him because he told you he was going to be at his parent's house, or working late.

I would probably walk up and introduce myself the the stranger and then ask my partner if his visit to his parents home was cut short or if he got off work earlier than expected. Then I would most likely tell him to pick up some milk and eggs on his way home. Once again, the look on my face would tell him what I was thinking.

5. What if your desire for sex with your partner is gone? There is no longer a spark in your sex life.

There is no "probably" on this one. I would talk to him about it.

6. What if your partner stays out all night long and comes home in the morning and doesn't say anything about where he's been?

I would probably just get up the next morning and cook him breakfast.

7. What if you find out that your partner has been having sex with your best friend, or with his best friend?

I have no fucking idea what I would do. But I can imagine that there would most likely be some violence involved. I can even front on that one.

8. What if your partner, who has only been a top or bottom in your relationship wants to flip and do the opposite?

Hopefully I'll have a partner who isn't all top or all bottom. But if I did, I would probably comply with whatever it was he wanted.

9. What if your partner wants you to attend a sex party with him?

He would know better than to even think about asking me something like that.

Be honest with yourself as you have fun with these. Hopefully you will get a new feel for how you can respond to the unexpected.

I Think That I May Just...

...give up on dating (for a while) and settle for the occasional sex hook-up. Or maybe not.

Tuscany and I just didn't work out because we have opposing personalities and we were getting on each other's nerves. I had actually started to care for him, I knew I had to make that decision before we got serious. Plus he made a few contradictory statements. He kept telling me that he wasn't looking to get serious. On the other hand, he told a mutual friend of ours that he "hopes that God blesses our union and we can have a real relationship" (He doesn't know how to whisper). I was confused to say the least.

Then there was the issue with his ex-boyfriend. They had broken up in September after 4 years and I don't think that either of them was really ready to let go. So I decided to let him go to chase that dream. Oh well.

But my problem is that I don't want to go sexless. I have given up on one-night flings and hook-ups, but I like to have sex! Fuck that! I LOVE to have sex. But I've gotten to the point where I want to have romantic feelings for someone before I have sex with them. But since I don't really want to date anymore, what do I do?

Well, there are always those spare tires that I keep for emergencies. But none of them are all that reliable. I would want to have the same person available, not multiple dudes.

Then there's the internet hook-up sites. But it's just not safe to meet strangers for sex these days (as if it ever was). Plus I deleted those accounts.

So what do I do? Maybe I should just continue doing what I have been doing: NOTHING!!

I Think I'm Ready...

...to let someone into my romantic space. I'm not 100% sure that i'm ready to do this, but this dude has been pretty persistent in his quest to get my attention and he's finally gotten it. I'll call him Tuscany. I met Tuscany through a mutual friend of ours and thought that it was refreshing to NOT have to meet a guy online. We've been known each other since October and went on one date back then.

When I met Tuscany, it was by passive means. He told a mutual friend of mine that he thought that I was cute and the friend introduced us. At first, I was turned off because I don't like passive dudes. If you want to talk to me, then do it yourself. But since I was 100% single, I decided to just see what would happen. It turns out that I like the dude.


Initially I kind of ruled him out as a dating prospect because he isn't the usual type of dude that I would date. And what I mean by that is that he's kinda soft. And by soft, I don't mean feminine, I just mean soft. He's the kind of dude that would call AAA to change a tire instead of doing it himself because he doesn't know how. He's the type that would call his father or brother over to move a dresser or sofa. He's the type that would run from a bug instead of killing it. I've never liked men that can't do things for themselves and i've always dated guys who could do "manly" things like the ones mentioned above.


I've had my reservations about dating him because I have this issue with being more aggressive or assertive than the man that I date. I'm not saying that i'm more OF a man than him or anything like that. But I have always wanted a dude who was as or more assertive than me. I like a dude that's straight forward and says what's on his mind. And it seems like that's what most dudes want. But gay, Black men like that are in short supply. And even when I do find one, they don't want me for some reason or another. One guy told me that I was too "butch" for him and he wanted a small-framed, feminine dude. Well that isn't me in the least bit.

But as it goes, i'm liking this dude, so i'm giving it a chance. We've agreed to forget all the labels and titles and just "like" each other. And so far it seems to be working.

Dating Has Gotten...

...to a sad state; a really sad state.

I have known this dude for a few months and we actually tried to date, but it didn't work out. Well, he's being persistent in wanting to date (even though he still hasn't proposed a real one). Last week I chilled at his house and we watched "DL Chronicles" and drank some Coronas. Since we had a pretty good time, we decided to do it again tonight.

So I got showered, ironed my clothes and brushed my hair (that takes 7 minutes now). I was just getting ready to order a pizza online to pick up on the way when I got a text. It said "Look, an emergency just came up, they rushin my grand mother to grady (hospital), ill fill u in later Dnt know Whats wrong".

I sent one back that said "Aight, take care".

Now the sad part is that I honestly didn't know whether to believe him or not. Because this isn't the first time i've had a guy use an excuse to get out of a date (or some semblance of) before. In addition i've used excuses (lies really) before to get out of last minute dates.

It's a sad that things have come to this, but I made a decision. I'm not lying anymore to get out of anything. I'm just going to tell the damn truth. I know i'd be a little hurt to hear the truth, but i'd rather hear it than be told a lie.

So be it. That's my plan.

***I never found out if he was telling the truth or not. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt (if you think about that saying, it makes no sense) and let it go. I'm not going to hold this one against him.

After 5 Years of...

...having online "dating" accounts, I decided that it was time to get rid of them. "Why did you do that?", some may ask. I did it because it's a part of my plan to get rid of things that aren't doing me any real good.


When I sat back and thought about it, I realized that I spent countless hours on A4A and M4N when I could have been using that time to do something more constructive. I could have spent those hours volunteering. I could have spent those hours in the gym. I could have spent those hours with my family and friends. I could have spent those hours getting better at my job. I could have been doing something that was beneficial to my life.


But in all honesty, I thought that I was doing just that. I thought that I would meet the man that I would build and maintain a relationship with. Alas, I didn't. What I did get was a plenty of one-night stands that could and should have been no-night stands. I also got a bunch of heartache from a few of the guys that I attempted to date. Now I can't say that everything was bad. I did meet a few guys that actually knew what a date was, but nothing ever came after that. And I met 1 person who I can now consider a dear friend.


I guess it seemed like meeting a guy online was easier to do. I didn't have to leave the house. I didn't have to spend any money. I didn't have to do anything but login, select a dude, and say hello. It made dating so easy. Or so I thought. The problem was that I would start chatting with 1 dude and get get intrigued, only to start chatting with another dude and get the same feeling. It made it seem like there was always something better one click away. Then on other times, I would see a dude out and about that I was attracted to. I wouldn't say anything to him there, but if I saw him online, I would strike up a conversation. Being shy and scared is so unbecoming that I always felt ashamed when I did that.


But on Monday, I decided that it was not working for me. I would spend hours chatting with dudes never to meet them. I chose not to meet most of them because I could see that they weren't what I wanted. And after you realize that most guys are internet liars you start to get tired of it. They are one thing online, but something totally different in person. I've met quite a few dudes who aged 5 years, or gained 50 pounds, or their dicks shrunk from the time between us chatting to us meeting. Or worse yet, the guys who have no picture but want to meet you. Why guys have to lie or deceive I never will understand. But I don't have to worry about that anymore.


The online profiles are gone and so are the problems and issues that go along with them. So long!!

So It Wasn't As...

...hard as I thought it was to let go of the exes and the old dates. To keep it basic, I told CC "no, you can't visit me when you drive through Atlanta" and then I told him why. I didn't say anything to Hollywood because I didn't have to. I told Infiniti that if nothing has happened in 3 years but sex, then nothing is going to happen and we're done. I deleted Delta's number. I deleted Coca-Cola's number. And any dude i've met recently, I just deleted his number. But one of them just doesn't want to let go. If you guessed that it was Dreads, then you guessed correctly.

He sent me a text message last week saying that he thinks that it's on purpose that I haven't called him in over a month. When I told him that the my phone is a 2 way device that makes and receives calls, he got perturbed. This reminded me of one of the reasons why we broke up 7 years ago. We had a conversation where he told me that I couldn't make a decision on my own to end contact with him without his input!! EXCUSE ME!!!! He got an earful of how what decisions I make are mine to make and that as a grown ass man, I have that right and that privilege. We let the conversation simmer down to where we could talk without defense and just listen.

We both agreed that it's time for things to come to a close or for us to become a couple again. We also agreed that a conversaton on that subject would be better in person. So I agreed to drive the 3 hours to the city where I went to college and he still lives. As I was preparing my mind for the drive, he informed me that he was having dinner with his other ex and his exes friends (oh really). So I said that I would wait until a better time.

Even though I agreed to wait to have this talk, I had already made my decision. I'm not waiting any longer. It's time to let go and move on completely. I'm done with thinking that one day, he and I will pick up where we left off (although with a lot more maturity). I'm done comparing every new dude with him. I'm done feeling as though I owe him my loyalty. I'm done with being the person he runs to when things go wrong in his life. I'm done with being his decision maker. I'm done with him.

I can imagine that when I start to think of the good times we had, i'm going to miss him. But it's what I need to do to prepare myself for my life partner. For some reason, I feel that time is near and I have to be completely available.

I told myself that 2009 was MY year of change for the better. I'm going to make sure that happens.

Last Night I...

...went out to The Bachelors Mill here in DC. I wasn't expecting to see anyone that I knew there because I know hardly anyone in DC. But of course I did. I saw a few people from Atlanta that i've seen out and about, but then I saw someone (I'll call him, 4Runner)that I used to date. Well, I guess we didn't really date. We had sex a few times and talked on the phone a lot but nothing really came of it because he lived in northern Florida and I in Birmingham at the time. But seeing him last night was nice. The dude has gotten sexier in these last 5 years.


But that's not why i'm writing this post. I'm writing because I had the strangest dream when I finally did get showered and in the bed to sleep. I had a dream that involved 4 guys that I used to date: Hollywood, Delta, CC, and Dreads. In the dream, I was trying to get get each of them out of my life, but as soon as I did, another one would come along and mess up my plan. I wonder if seeing 4Runner triggered me to have this dream.

I find it uncanny that I would have this dream because i've been struggling with whether or not it's a good idea to keep in contact with dudes that I stop dating. It seems that I have an issue cutting someone completely off after we are no longer romantically linked. And it seems that they have the same issue. Dreads and I broke up almost 7 years ago. Hollywood and I broke up in September 2007. Delta and I never never really went out on a date. We just spent a lot of time at each others' apartments and haven't done that in 2 years. CC and I stopped dating in July of 08. I still talk to these dudes and a few more that I used to date.

I guess once a dude get's into my heart, he's there to stay. I can't imagine never talking to Dreads or Hollywood again. I think that would break my heart. Delta and CC, I could most likely do it with no problem. But I wonder if that's what I need to do to clear the way for my life partner to come into my life.

I'll have to think about this one and seek some advice (that's a hint to those reading this).

Bits and Pieces

Earlier today I was reading YABG's blog entitled One Big Circle. In it he said "once you give someone a piece of your heart, you never get it back" and it really brought some emotions flooding back into my head. It got me to thinking about some of the men that I have dated and especially about the one's who still have a piece of my heart. Those men are in chronological order, Dreads, Chicago, VP, and Hollywood.

As I was driving home from work today, I started to wonder why each one of these men still captures my heart (and/or mind). It didn't take long for me to figure it out. There was something about each of them that I got from them that I still desire.

Dreads: What was it that Dreads gave me that I still desire in a partner? I figured out that this man was there for ME unconditionally. He did everything for me that I wanted and needed. I never had to worry about anything. When I got transferred to Birmingham, he moved with me. When we first started dating and I didn't have money, he gave me money. Even though he was 100% top when we met, he gave up some booty every once in a blue moon. His focus was all about keeping me happy and satisfied. I still want a man that puts me first. Even though it's been almost 7 years since we dissolved our relationship, he still holds and most likely will always own a piece of my heart.

Chicago-What was it that Chicago gave me that I still desire in a partner? I figured out that he was a truly kind, understanding, thoughful, and genuine person who cared about me. I could see it in his eyes each time I looked at him and he SHOWED it everytime we saw each other. We dated long distance for a year and I loved it. I'll never forget our first date when he took me to Giordano's Pizza, a movie, and around the city of Chicago. Each time I visited him (except that 1 time), he had planned something for us to do each time. I never doubted that he cared about me and I really felt like he was making sure that I knew that he cared about me. And I always felt comfortable with him. I still want a man that makes me feel comfortable and cared about. Even though we stopped dating 5 years ago, he still holds a piece of my heart.

VP-What was it that VP gave me that I still desire in a partner? Physically, he was everything that I wanted in a man. He was tall, attractive, sexy, thick-bodied, and did I say sexy? I loved looking at him, touching him, sexing him, holding him and just being around him. I had an affinity for VP that I couldn't and still can't explain. And I still do. In addition, he made me feel like I was the sexiest man on earth. The way that he looked at me. The way that he held me. The way that he sexed me. The compliments that he gave me. How he jumped in the shower with me and showered took the soap and towel and finished bathing me. The things that he did, just made me feel sexy and desired. I want a man to make me feel like that again. I'm not sure if it's my heart or my head that he still has a piece of, but he still has a piece of me in some form.

Hollywood-What was it that Hollywood gave me that I still desire in a partner? Hollywood had that confident, independent, "i'm a man and i'm your man" type of vibe going on. I loved his confidence. I loved his aggression and assertive attitude. He was the type of guy that could make a decision for both of us and I could agree with it. He could plan something and all I had to do was show up. He didn't ask me to do things that he could do himself. I didn't have to prod him to do anything. I didn't have pay for every date or drive to every date. He let me put my mind to rest while I was with him. And I still want a man with an independent spirit (like I have). Even though it's been over a year that we broke up, Hollywood still has a piece of my heart.

Even though each relationship or situation ended years ago, I'm still learning from them. In addition, if either one of these men asked me to get back to them, I can't say that I would say "no" to them. Each one still has that something about them that I want. The only issue is that i'm hoping to meet someone that has most of the qualities that I want.

So some of you may ask, " when do you move on" and I'll answer with this. You move on when the quality that the person has/had loses importance to you or you meet someone else who has it. I have yet to move on, but i'll be glad when I can.

Exceptions can be made if...

Like many many many Black and Gay men, I spend a lot of time on online "dating" websites. I've met a few ok guys and a whole lot of not ok guys. Earlier today I ran across a dude's ad that caught my eye. The dude in the picture was sexy as hell and I clicked on it to read his profile text. It said:

u need to have: a car/house, a job, education, all of your teeth, be well groomed, nice body ( u must work out), at least 5"10 and 175lbs or more, disease free, and good hygiene, 33yrs or younger (exceptions will be made based on person)dislikes: brotha's that smoke, bad hygiene, ungroomed cats, unproportionate body types.

I got to thinking about how I select the people that I date. When I thought about the "criteria" that a man must have, I couldn't think of many. For me, he must be:

Black (Or biracial with one black parent)

Male

Near my age

Have a means of transportation

Have a job or means to sustain himself

I must be attracted to him

I think that people have these preferences so that they don't have to deal with things that they don't like.

I want a Black man because I believe that we can relate to each other's culture. I have considered dating guys of another race, but I don't want someone that wants me just because I am Black. I also don't want racial differences to arise (and they will).

I want him to have transportation because I don't want to have to pick him up each time we go somewhere. I tried dating a dude with no car and it got frustrating as hell having to go see him everytime we wanted to see each other. Everytime we went out, I was having to drive all over town. I want a brotha to come pick me up sometimes.

I want him to have a job or means of supporting himself because I am not supporting anyone. I will not pay for everything when i'm with someone. I've tried this also, but when dude asked me to pay a bill, I was out of there.

I want to be attracted to the man because... Well do I even have to explain this? I don't think that many people want someone whom they aren't attracted to. Do you?

But what about the brotha that you meet that has all but one of your "requirements"? Would you still date him? That's why I highlighted the part in red up above. I think that we can all accept a brotha that doesn't have all that we want.

It's my belief that you are never going to get a person that has EVERYTHING that you want. You might meet a man that's financially well off, but he may have the personality of an overused knife (dull). You may meet a man that has 10 cars, but he is unattractive. You may meet a man that's sexy as hell, financially stable, owns his own home, has beautiful teeth, and has no looming baggage, but something is going to not be to your liking. SOMETHING!!!!

In the brotha's ad above, do you think that he would reject a brotha who met all of those needs except the fact that he was 5'9" tall or 34 year of age? I highly doubt it.

I guess it's ok to want certain things in a person, but when you expect perfection, you are setting yourself up for failure. If you meet that person that just makes you smile, enjoy the reasons that he makes you smile and don't sweat the small stuff.

Relationship...

What does a romantic relationship mean to you? Does it mean that you are dating someone, seeing someone or what? I don't get how people are so quick to slap that label on a situation with someone and don't know what the hell it is to them or discuss what it means to both parties. In my observations, i've seen people date for 3 weeks and suddenly they are in a "relationship"

Example: An associate of mine was a given a surprise birthday party by his boyfriend. During his thank you speech, he said: "And I want to tell my boyfriend who I have been in a relationship with for 4 months, that these have been the best 4 months of my life." Everyone was "awwwww" this and "awwwww" that while I sat there thinking "child please". When he said the "R" word, the boyfriend cocked an eyebrow and looked at him. A month later the boyfriend got a promotion and was being told that he was being transfered to another city. The associate immediately started dating other people and easing out of the "relationship". Now in my mind, if this was a relationship, he would have considered ways to keep it going or even thought about moving himself.

I am sure that everyone has their definition or interpretation, but when I am in a relationship with someone, it's not because of anything superficial, such as money, looks, or sex or just because I like someone. It's because I have taken my time to examine the situation and deemed this person someone who I can commit my life to. So I don't take that label lightly in the least bit.

I just can't rush into relationships with the dudes I date. I have figured out that what I want in my life is someone to spend it with. I justdon't think that I can determine that in a few weeks or even a few months. I need time to assess the situation. I'm not saying that it will take years to make that determination, because a relationship CAN form in a short period of time. But a brotha like me just likes to get a full understanding of a person. I want to know that I can trust this person without reservation. I want to know that I can fully communicate with this person. I want to know that this person is as committed to me as I am to him. I just want to be sure before I take that plunge into what I call a relationship.

And honestly, once I get into a relationship I don't really concern myself with how long it last. What I concern myself with is making the best of what I have at the moment and building it so that it makes me and my partner happy. I feel that as long as we are happy, it will last. If one of us decides to end the relationship, then so be it. But if I have been given any amount of happiness, then it was worth it.

Am I the only one that thinks this way? I feel that I am.

Is my interpretation of a relationship too serious? I don't know.