Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Just Let It Out

For the last few weeks I have really been feeling pretty depressed about the state of my life. I'm not surprised, because I always feel this way around this time of year and I know exactly why. This is the time of year when people are all excited about being with family and celebrated what family means to them. I am actually envious of people who have family to celebrate with and that shows them love. I honestly don't feel like I have that. And a lot of times, I feel like I never have.

I have always felt like the outcast of the family. I always noticed how in my younger years at family get togethers I always felt like an outsider. I know that that that feeling is because I was adopted and just didn't feel like a true part of the family. Let alone the fact that I was ALWAYS reminded that I was adopted. I would always hear comments such as "he's not our real brother; my parents adopted him." Once my mother was talking to a friend about "her baby" turning 16 years of age. I can still remember saying "but moma i'm only 9 years old" and her saying "not you, my real baby." When everyone heard this, they all laughed. I ran from the room and hid in my closet for about 8 hours. I think that I cried for about 7 of those 8 hours. And the saddest part of that was that no one even noticed that I was gone. I had never felt more hurt in my life and I honestly wanted to die.

From that point on, my closet (how ironic) became my hiding place. Whenever I felt hurt or in some emotional pain, I would hide in the closet so that no one would see the hurt. Right now, I feel like I am still hiding in that clost because I really don't associate with too many members of my family. They never know what's going on in my life because I don't talk about my life to them. When questions are asked, I give short succint answers to let them know not to ask anything else. My life is still in that closet.

My life remains in that closet when it comes to my family. I know that they all know that I am homosexual, but I have never discussed that side of my life with anyone in my family except my sister (she's a lesbian). I just wouldn't know how to feel if the subject were brought up. After years of listening to all of the homo-hating language that they spoke, I don't want to let them know about my life and what's going on in it. I don't want them thinking that I am all of the stereotypes that they believe about homosexual men. I would rather not talk about it.

But sometimes I feel that I should. I feel that I should confirm my homosexuality so that they don't have to guess and wonder. But I know that once I do, all feelings will change. It's like at that very moment, they will forget that I am the same person that I always have been. Therefore, I choose to stay in that closet. Even though, the door is wide open and they can see in, I don't want to walk out.

But I am wondering if when I confirm my homosexuality, will these yearly bouts of depression end? Will they accept me as a family instead of "the gay one" that everyone tolerates? Will I say "fuck all of ya'll" and never speak to anyone in my family again? I don't know, and I wonder if I truly want to know.

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Thursday, November 23, 2006

My Mood Today on Thanksgiving

Since my family doesn't meet on holidays anymore, I usually just stay at home and watch football or hang with friends. But this year I am working and for a change, I really do miss my family. Fuck ups and all, I would rather be with them than here.

If you are from the South (or Chicago) then you probably know this song.

Harry Hippie

Everybody claims that they want the best things
outta life, (ha) but not everyone, not everyone
wanna got through the toils and strifes.

Like this particular fella, walks around
all day long singin' this song
sha na lah dah dah lah dah dah dah dah

Harry Hippie, lies asleep in the shade,
life don't bug him cause he
thinks he's got it made.
He never worry about nothin' in particular
Oooh he might even sell free press on Sunset.

I'd like to help a man when he's down
but I can't help him much
when he's sleepin' on the ground.

He's like a bottle in water
Harry just floats through life
Walks around all day long singin' this song
Whoa, whoa, whoa, ohhh yeah

Mary Hippie, she's Harry's lady
Panhandles money just to feed Harry's baby.
She can lie down a story so incredible
Man, you wanna help her take the food
home and put it on the table.

I'd like to help a man when he's down,
but I can't help ya Harry
if you wanna sleep on the ground.
Sorry Harry, you're too much weight
to carry around.

But he still walks around all day singin' this song
Sha dah dah dah sha nah nah nah nah nah
nah sha lah lah lah lah dah dah dah

Street child, street child, tell me where
will you be goin'
when old man winter gets his horn
and starts blowin'
Will you hang around LA
or hitch a ride on a freeway
Meet an old familiar face in a new place.

I'd like to help a man when he's down
But how can I help him
if he's somewhere outta town
Sorry Harry, think I'm gonna put you down.
Sha dah dah dah sha dah dah dah dah
sha lah lah lah lah dah dah dah
Everybody help me sing this song, oh yeah,

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Why Does It Hurt So Bad

How are you supposed to feel when you find out that the ex that you still want and love has moved on and is actually happy with someone else? I'll tell you how I felt today when I found that out. I don't want to say his name, but he was the topic of probably a dozen of my blog topics. I wanted to throw up and cry. It's not that I didn't want him to be happy; I just wanted him to be happy with ME.

But the reasonable part of me knows that I want the same thing for myself. So I couldn't cry. And now that I know that he really doesn't want me back like he said that he did, I can finally let go.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I'm Bored

I have been feeling as though I have the most boring life in the world. And then I realized that there are 2 types of people. Those whose lives we perceive as exciting, and those we see as boring. I am in the latter group. I swear that it seems as though there is nothing going on with my life. And I have found the source of that boredom. It's my damn job.

When I tell people that I travel for my job, THEY get all happy and shit and say shit like "that must be exciting". Well I am here to tell you that it ain't. People tend to overlook the fact that I travel for my JOB. If you didn't get that hint, it means that I am working when I am away from home. For example, this week I am in Toronto, Ontario, Canada converting a hotel's reservation systems. Now I have heard that Toronto is an exciting city and all, but I wouldn't know. Since I have been here, I only left once to go to Wal-Mart. After working 13 hours yesterday and 11 today, the only thing that I want to do when I get off is rest.

Now I am not going to lie about my job. I have been to 40 of the 50 states including Alaska and Hawaii. In the next few months, we are to start traveling to Latin America and the Caribbean. While it is nice to say that I have been to these places, I don't have stories to tell or pictures to show what I did. My story is always "I went to work".

Now I am greatly to have a job because there was a period in 2004 when I was unemployed by no choice of my own. But lately, I have been thinking of trying to find another job that is permanently at home or with less travel. I don't know what I want to do.


Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Congratulations to Kirstie Alley

When I saw this on Oprah yesterday I was in awe. I kept thinking "damn she looks good!!!!!!!!!!"

Monday, November 06, 2006


Since I really don't have anything to blog about, I figured that I might as well send a shout out to 2 bloggers who don't miss a day. Those 2 are Hood2Big and MostProper. These dudes post pictures that I find desirable just about every single day. So I figured that i'd just say thanks to them by posting some pics that I have.