Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Just Let It Out

For the last few weeks I have really been feeling pretty depressed about the state of my life. I'm not surprised, because I always feel this way around this time of year and I know exactly why. This is the time of year when people are all excited about being with family and celebrated what family means to them. I am actually envious of people who have family to celebrate with and that shows them love. I honestly don't feel like I have that. And a lot of times, I feel like I never have.

I have always felt like the outcast of the family. I always noticed how in my younger years at family get togethers I always felt like an outsider. I know that that that feeling is because I was adopted and just didn't feel like a true part of the family. Let alone the fact that I was ALWAYS reminded that I was adopted. I would always hear comments such as "he's not our real brother; my parents adopted him." Once my mother was talking to a friend about "her baby" turning 16 years of age. I can still remember saying "but moma i'm only 9 years old" and her saying "not you, my real baby." When everyone heard this, they all laughed. I ran from the room and hid in my closet for about 8 hours. I think that I cried for about 7 of those 8 hours. And the saddest part of that was that no one even noticed that I was gone. I had never felt more hurt in my life and I honestly wanted to die.

From that point on, my closet (how ironic) became my hiding place. Whenever I felt hurt or in some emotional pain, I would hide in the closet so that no one would see the hurt. Right now, I feel like I am still hiding in that clost because I really don't associate with too many members of my family. They never know what's going on in my life because I don't talk about my life to them. When questions are asked, I give short succint answers to let them know not to ask anything else. My life is still in that closet.

My life remains in that closet when it comes to my family. I know that they all know that I am homosexual, but I have never discussed that side of my life with anyone in my family except my sister (she's a lesbian). I just wouldn't know how to feel if the subject were brought up. After years of listening to all of the homo-hating language that they spoke, I don't want to let them know about my life and what's going on in it. I don't want them thinking that I am all of the stereotypes that they believe about homosexual men. I would rather not talk about it.

But sometimes I feel that I should. I feel that I should confirm my homosexuality so that they don't have to guess and wonder. But I know that once I do, all feelings will change. It's like at that very moment, they will forget that I am the same person that I always have been. Therefore, I choose to stay in that closet. Even though, the door is wide open and they can see in, I don't want to walk out.

But I am wondering if when I confirm my homosexuality, will these yearly bouts of depression end? Will they accept me as a family instead of "the gay one" that everyone tolerates? Will I say "fuck all of ya'll" and never speak to anyone in my family again? I don't know, and I wonder if I truly want to know.

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Blogger Bernie said...

Have you ever told them how their past actions have hurt you? Do they know that you grew up feeling unloved and unaccepted?

Perhaps more important than discussing your sexuality, they should know how their inability to love you unconditionally has had an impact on your mental state, self esteem and lack of connection to them.

11:46 PM, November 28, 2006  
Blogger The Captain said...

You're dealing with the roots of rejection. This is NOT your fault. The fact that your mother and father has rejected you and gave you up for adoption has also carried a spiritual bondage that affects your soul. As you mentioned, even your adopted family never fully integrated you in the family, only causing that rejection to fester and grow.

I know what it is to deal with rejection. Although unpleasant, I know that God accept us all in His beloved without any penalty, as it is freely given to all that believe in Him.

Know that you are in the belove and you ARE somebody. You are successful and even those dreams you work so hard for is becoming a reality little by little. You have accomplished more things in your lifestyle far beyond that of your biological and adopted family. Even with the treasures of traveling and seeing the world, you have a special gift of diversity that no one can match.

You are loved and no longer do you need to buy love anymore from no man or friends.

5:03 AM, November 29, 2006  
Blogger Ladynay said...

I agree with the above comment. That said what I was gonna say and more.

8:03 AM, November 29, 2006  
Blogger That Girl said...

Man, this is deep. It sounds like you should talk to someone. No person should have all of that bottled up. You have to let that stuff from your childhood go!

Whatever the case is, you have a lot to be happy about...alot to be excited about...take pride in your successes and if you really feel like your family cannot accept you for who you are well then maybe you need people in your life who will.

I think my brother suffers from the same type of inner struggle...he is gay but has never really discussed it with the family. Sometimes, I just wish that he would come out and say it because I know in my heart that it does not matter if he loves men or women....I will always love him...hang in there...sounds corny but 'tis the season to be jolly.

12:54 PM, November 29, 2006  
Blogger Marz said...

My mother was adopted so this makes me wonder how she must feel around Christmas. I mean, she has a family of her own the she had to create, but not one that was already created for her. (Something I need to think about.)

I'm quite dreading being trapped in the house around the holidays, now that they know but think I'm bi or something. They're watching the phones like I'm talking to Osama and they're CIA agents. But it'll be over shortly. (26 days to be exact.)

3:04 PM, November 29, 2006  
Blogger ReddMann said...

First in response to Soldier's comment just because someone gives up their child for adoption doesn't mean they are "rejecting" them... sometimes it means that they can't give that child what it would need to survive. So they do what is in the best interest and allow someone with better means to provide for them.

Secondly why do gay people always feel that they have to confirm other people's thoughts. If they want your confirmation believe me they will ask. Gay people need to stop running to others for approval and acceptance. Accept yourself and live your life the way that is right for you. And if they choose not to love you and not to accept you... that is between them and their God.

4:31 PM, November 29, 2006  
Anonymous Indulge said...

Oh no, man I stumbled on this site looking for some info on Atlanta for New Years, but damn! Since I peeped all of this out let me get on my dean about some things. Nigga, your life has brought you to the point of today, and that is realization. I know and can obviously tell that you have carried a lot of weight on your shoulders, from seeking acceptance to finding love and the meaning of all that has came to be. With holding on to the things that you do, you don't have room to take in all the wonderful possibilities that life is waiting to throw your way! Man you have so much life to live and experience it is sad to see the cloud that hangs over, but you should learn to celebrate and dance in that rain so you will emerge free calm and clear when the sun does shine my brother. Now get off that fuck them, I will be your family, but seriously embrace the lessons and let go of the pain. Peace...

7:26 PM, November 29, 2006  
Blogger life said...

There is a lot going on with you. As far as your family goes, do what your heart tells you to do. You need to build a strong network where you are, because everyone needs that support. Sending you a hug via internet

1:52 AM, November 30, 2006  
Anonymous dave said...

You did not seem to have a lot of love growing up, but you do have gifts. A sound and strong mind. An attractive body. Personality. Leave negativity and negative people in your past.

8:39 PM, November 30, 2006  
Blogger Cocoa Rican said...

Okay… I didn’t go through and read other postings until now and for some odd reason, I feel like I know you… but hey, maybe I’m just emotional these days. To start, let me say that I have a younger brother and sister who are adopted and I see them as my true siblings – even feel that my baby sis is more like me than my blood siblings…but I digress, the point is, there are always assholes who talk inappropriate and hurtful shyt – especially in front of impressionable children. If anything, I have been a true outcast and black sheep, so I remind them to never feel any different – just look how I was treated and realize that they ARE one of us – dysfunction and all. That said, I felt the shot of pain when you recounted your story and (yes, I’ll admit it) grabbed for the tissue when you told about sitting in the closet without being missed. :::::Insert Long Distance Hug Here::::::
I don’t know what I can say to change or make anything better, but don’t ever doubt that you are loved. In our lifestyle, we quickly realize that those that end up being “FAMILY” aren’t necessarily the folks you initially thought.

10:04 AM, December 04, 2006  
Blogger That Dude Right There said...

All of you all just really made me think about my life and the fact that I do have a lot to be thankful for. It made me realize that as long as God loves me and I love myself, my life is good.

10:27 AM, December 04, 2006  

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