Thursday, October 27, 2005

I Want What They Have

I was watching one of my favorite shows last night. It was an episode of Sex and the City where there was a bunch of drama as usual. I know that this show is about what goes on in their lives, but this was the first time that I realized something that I really didn't pay attention to. And this is afte watching the show for the last 5 years. These ladies are true friends. Friends in the truest sense of the word. They trust each other with secrets. They are there for each other whenever one of them is in need. There are no two of them that are better friends than they are with the rest (well maybe a little). They do everything together. They are truthful and honest with each other at all times. They don't use each other for selfish reasons. And most importantly, they are ALWAYS there to support each other.

I WANT WHAT THEY HAVE. I had a thought the other day that there is only one "friend" in my life who jumps when I say "I need." Who would be there in a flash if something happened to me. Who knows members of my family and I his(and has their phone numbers). Who I can tell something and not let it get all aroung the world. Who knows what I am thinking and how my mind works. Who knows not to leave a glass sitting on my coffee table.

I think that it is something rare that you can have a group of people that all are friends. Too many times, I have had to introduce my friends to other friends. Friends that I have had for years that have never met or that I hardly talk about to other friends. I want that circle of friends that trust each other. Where I can be assured that none of them would do anything that would affect another negatively. And if they did, we would be able to talk about it and get over it. I want that circle of friends where we share responsibilities for get togethers and talk about relevant issues. Where if one of us doesn't have any money, the others pay their way

I had this circle of friends when I was in college and those were the best times of my life. But we all moved away after college to differenct cities and don't keep in touch as often as we should. I miss those times something terrible. I want them back!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Difference of Opinion

It is often said that "opinions are like assholes because everybody has one. Sometimes they are offensive to other people. Sometimes people don't like them. And sometimes they stink like hell. But sometimes they can bring people closer together. Sometimes an argument can be settled by people leaving them alone. And sometimes both people can have the similar one, but still have drastic differences. And in each instance here, I am speaking of both opinions and assholes. And I have learned time and time again that you can't share them with everybody.

Monday night I had a conversation with a fellow blogger and new friend, Mashaun. He was telling me about his weekend spent in Tallahassee, Florida for FAMU's homecoming. He told me about how much fun he had and I was quite happy for him since I spent my weekend working. One thing that he mentioned started a whole new conversation. He told me about the male sorority members that he saw stepping and chanting at a party that he attended. This led to a little spilling of opinions on the part of both of us. I told Mashaun that I did not agree with this because it was disrepectful to the actual sororities. He feels that it's all right for these guys to step and chant in the tradition of the sororities because the men that do it feel that they are not welcomed to join traditional fraternities. I say that is bullshit. We agreed to disagree and I was fine with that because I had said my piece.

That is until the next day when I read his post "In the News …mind yo business ... are you ready?" I must say that i was a bit taken aback and a little hurt when he said "And last but not least I have to say this … mind yo business!There were two incidents that have taken place in the past 24 hours that made me want to say that." The conversation that we had was the second in that "mind your business series." I will let you read his post to understand what he had to say. But after he mentioned the conversation that we had, he followed up with a piece from another bloggers post about feminine men and how "they defiantly fight for their free space in a society and culture that tries to deny them their very existence." The order in which he posted this (right after the part about our conversation) and the nature of our conversation led me to think that he felt that I was hating on and dissing the feminine brothas. That's what pissed me off about it. I wasn't knocking anybody in our conversation. In fact, I never mentioned the word feminine. I just said that I didn't like what the fellas did because it was disrespectful.

So I spoke with Mashaun about the fact that that was what I got out of his post. He assured me that he meant no harm and that the extra part about the feminine brothas was not inspired by our conversation. I think that he said this just to shut-me up. But anyone who know me well knows that I don't give up until I feel that you truly understand my point-of-view. Not agree with it, but to understand it.

I will also explain here why I don't like men pretending to be in sororities. There are three reason.

1. As I stated earlier, it is disrespectful. The guys that participate in these steps and chants have not gone through what the real members of these sororitied did. They did not pay dues, attend workshops, go through the pledge process, or anything else associated with joining a sorority. And it they did, it was not sanctioned by the true sororities. Therefore for, they are not members and their participation in sorority traditions are disrespectful.

2. Definition of Sorority- A chiefly social organization of women students at a college or university, usually designated by Greek letters. An association or a society of women. A social club for female undergraduates. I don't think that I really need to explain this, but I will. Men cannot be members of a sorority. There is no question about it. I also feel that these men help to perpetuate the notion that all gay men want to be women. Why emulate the sororities and not the fraternities? Nevermind the fact that some of these men are not even in college.

3. To go along with #1, these men use chants, steps, histories, handshakes, and other sorority traditions that do not belong to them because they are not members. These traditions are (I think they still are) considered sacred to the organizations and should not be used by non-members. Even if some members of the sorority accept these guys as equals, they still are not members.

4. It's thought that the fellas "join" the sororities because they cannot join one a fraternity because of anti-gay bias. I know plenty of gay men that are members of fraternities. And in addition, there are fraternities for Black and Gay men. One such example is Delta Phi Upsilon. This fraternity was formed in 1985 at Florida State University "by five college men whose particular purpose was to cultivate and encourage high scholastic and ethical standards among gay men of color." Why pretend to be in a sorority when you can be a part of an organization formed especially for you?

These are my reasons. Let me also say that I am not hating on anyone. I just don't agree with the practices of these "sorority members." Mashaun says "I respect his opinion over the issue that it being disrespectful and wrong, however I cannot co-sign on that. Why? Well because they have the right to do and be who they are as long as it is not hurting anyone else. From what I can tell, they just want to be able to be who they are without anyone bothering them, unfortunately by them being who they are they bring a lot more attention to themselves. So what?" The fact here is that this is not them being WHO they are, but WHAT they are trying to be. These men would still be WHO they are even if they did not attempt to emulate the ladies in the sororities. But WHAT they will never be is a member of a sorority.

Now, most of you may read his blog entry and not get out of it what I got out of it. That's fine, but now that I have said what I have to say, I can let it go.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Rosa Parks Dead at 92

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Lesson Learned

I truly wasn't gonna right this post, but I feel like I have to. I did something else that I am not proud of. And this was more self-destructive than Lying To Myself. I was actually motivated to write this post by Eric G over at Half & Half, Tit & Tat when he wrote about a similar topic.

What did I do? I had unprotected sex 3 weeks ago. And when I think about it, I have have been doing it for years. But this one particular time, something happened that made me think about what I had been doing. I had met this guy over the internet a couple of weeks prior to the incident and he called me and asked me if I wanted to hook up and play around. I was game for it even though I had just had sex 4 days prior with another dude (i'm single, I can do that). When he got over we talked for a minute and then we decided to get down to business. We started with the usual forplay, the kissing, touching, sucking, and what not. Somehow, we ended up doing a 69 position and were giving each other some head. After about 10 minutes of this, I got the nastiest taste in my mouth. The dude had nutted. Not only had he nutted, but he did it in my mouth. I was livid. And do you want to know why? The bastard didn't even try to tell me that he was cumming. He didn't twitch, mutter, moan, or anything. He just nutted; in my damn mouth.

When I recognized what had happened, I immediately stopped what I was doing and ran to the bathroom to spit it out. I brushed my teeth and rinsed my mouth with Listerine twice. I left the light out because I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror. I felt like I should have been working at a whore house in Las Vegas. I wanted to cry and I wanted to whoop his ass for nutting in my mouth, but reason stepped in and calmed me down. After I walked back into the bedroom, he asked me why I ran out like I did. I looked at him in disbelief and yelled "nigga you nutted in my fucking mouth!" He said that he didn't think that I would have a problem with it because I didn't mention it beforehand. I told him that that is just something that not everybody is into. Me being one of them. He apologized for doing it and I calmed down again. I really couldn't be mad at him because he was partially right. I guess he thought that I was gonna jump him because he started putting on his clothes to leave. What happened was partially his fault, but most of it was mine.

It hit me that although I always use a condom during anal sex, I never use one during oral sex. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I have been putting myself at a risk to catch an STD with every dick that I put in my mouth. But it really hit me when 3 days later, my throat started hurting like hell. Well, I did what everybody should do. I ran my ass to an urgent care facility (thank God for insurance) for a full STD screening. I talked to the doctor and told her what happened and she drew blood and took throat cultures to test for syphillis, gonnerhea, and chlamydia. I opted not to take an HIV test because HIV wouldn't surface for up to 6 weeks.

Lucky for me, all of the test came back negative. It turns out that I had strep throat. I was so relieved. But I am not off the hook yet. I have to go back next month for a follow up screening. It can take weeks for any symptoms to show up, so I was advised to watch for any discharges from my unit and check my throat for anything unusual.

There is no need to fuss at me, I know that I have learned my lesson. I will have no kinds of sex without some kind of protection.

Monday, October 17, 2005

I Lied to Myself

And I will admit that to myself. I told myself last week that I didn't want to be with anybody and that I didn't want to love or be in love with anybody. I lied. I fucking lied to myself. That's the worst thing that could ever do to myself. It's bad enough when someone else lies to me, but what happens when I do it to myself.

Truth is that I do want to be with someone and I do want to love and be in love with someone. But I do have a few issues that won't allow me to let myself get involved.

1. I travel constantly for my job. I travel from 4 to 22 days at a time. No one that I have met wants to deal with that.

2. I'm don't feel that I have anything to offer to anyone right now. My life just isn't the way that I want it now. I don't have anything to share.

3. I still love my ex, Dreads.

4. I'm tired of attempting to date guys. No one knows what it means to date anymore. A date is not sitting and watching television or meeting up to have sex. I want to actually engage in conversation and laugh and hold hands and have a good time.

And i'm sure that there are a few other reasons. Because of bad experiences, time constraints, baggage, and others, I had convinced myself that I wanted to remain single. But my actions tell me otherwise. I have continued to engage in meeting different guys over the last few weeks. Nothing has come of either meeting other than sex. I'm even getting tired of that.

So, I lied to myself and said that I wanted to remain single and love-free. But I have apologized to myself and I am moving on. I do want to have companionship, and love, and all of the things that go along with them.

Sunday, October 16, 2005


A few months ago, I answered a question in a Yahoo group poll concerning whether or not I would date or form a relationship with the ex-boyfriend of a friend. I answered that I would. The problem with this is that my best friend, BeatMug, is also a member of this group. He saw my email address under the "yes, I see nothing wrong with it" column. His email address was under the "No, I would never do that to my friend" cloumn. He and I actually had a disagreement for the first time in years that bordered on an arguement. Let me talk about this issue for a minute.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with getting involved with the ex of a friend. But there are exceptions on that. I would never get involved with the ex if there was love between them and my friend. Just couldn't do it. I would also never get involved if there was infidelity on the part of the friend's ex. I would also never get involved if there was any kind of abuse from the ex. And lastly, if it was going to affect my friendship, I would not do it.

Now if the situation between the ex and the friend ended amicably for whatever reason and it was OK with the friend, I would date the ex. Many people believe that this is tacky and crass. But opinions are like assholes, everybody has one. I don't see anything wrong with it. Just because it didn't work out for the ex and the friend, does not mean that it will not work out with you and the ex.

Also, I have noticed that in the SGL community, you cannot date someone who has not dated someone that you know. It's almost impossible. I have mentioned a few guys that I have met to friends and have gotten "oh, I used to talk to him," or "so and so use to date him" a number of time.

But saying all of this, I have determined that I want to date someone that no one with whom I am aquainted has dated. I want to learn all about the person from my experiences, not from someone elses.

So tell me, how do you feel about dating a the ex of a friend?

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Too Funny (Uh And Another One)

I know ya'll are tired of the jokes and want a real post, but when they are funny like this, I have to post them!

Pecans in the Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan
tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled
up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight,
and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he
passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you,
one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode
off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.

Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered
through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead
of the boy on the bike.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Too Funny

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

A True Failure

1.) go to
2.) type in "failure" without the quotes
3.) press the I'm feeling lucky button (instead of the google search one)
4). Laugh
5) repost

Hurry, before the good folks at google fix this.

What Kind Of Seducer Am I? A Test.

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.
That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!
The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.

You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.
Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.
You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?

You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.
Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.
As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Sitting Behind The Nuns

Even though I don't believe in Heaven and Hell, this was too funny.

Sitting Behind Nuns at a Ballgame






Friday, October 07, 2005

Why Wait?

Aight. I broke my promise to abstain from sex. After my day yesterday, I needed a tune-up and regularly scheduled maintenance. I must have my body serviced at least once a month. It had been exactly a month since my last sexual encounter.

I know you all are like "damn you ain't even try." But I had to really ask myself what the hell I was trying to hold out for. Even though the sex that I had been having hasn't been great, it hadn't been "bad." Also, I always practice safe sex. And I was so horny, I could have climbed a mountain (does anybody else get like that?).

But I also got to thinking about something. Do we put too much power into the meaning and purpose of sex.? I think that some of us do. I for one don't because sex to me is not emotional, it's physical. I have never put emotions into sex. I can have sex with someone and have no feelings for them. But some of my friends say that they must have some sort of emotional connection with a person in order to have sex with them. They can have at it!

What do you all think about this?

P.S. If you all want to hear about my encounter last night, let me know. I have to ask first because I can be a bit graphic.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

I Feel Better Now

Ok. Ok. I feel a whole lot better now. Instead of heading off to the liquor store for that Henn-Dog and Chardonnay, I took my ass to sleep. When I awakened a little while ago, I felt 10 times better. Thanks for the love.

I just have some decisions to make and to put into stone. Once I do that, I will be fine. Cause sitting around moping, does not sit well with me.

Don't Know What to Do

All of the blog entries that I have written so far have been about what I think or things that I have done. This particular blog entry is gonna be about how I feel.

Right now, I am in one of the worst moods that I have ever been in. I feel like a total fucking failure. I keep feeling like I have not done anything significant with my life. And the truth is that I have not. At the age of 27, I have done nothing to work towards my goal of a satisfying life.

The thing that I have come to terms with today is that fact that I live in a constant state of fear. And that fear has kept me from doing the things in my life that I feel would have led to some sort of happiness.

I have let fear of failure keep me out of law school for the last four years. Going to law school to become an attorney was my dream from the time that I was a kid. When I got to college, I majored in Chemisty because I wanted something to fall back on in case I didn't make it to law school. Even though I had a fucking 3.8 GPA at the school I was attending, I transferred to a larger university for reasons that I still don't know. I changed my major to Political Science because I thought that that would better prepare me for law school. That and the fact that I failed my first chemistry class because it was a totally different environment. I couldn't catch on. I did a pretty good job and had a 3.3 GPA upon graduation. But I never applied to law school because I was afraid that I wouldn't get in. I didn't even give it a chance and try. Fear prevailed over me on this one.

I let a fear of failure end the most satisfying relationship that I ever had and I am still allowing it to do that. I spent 2.5 years with Dreads and the whole time, I was afraid to just let my feelings and emotions guide my relationship instead of fear. I was afraid that if I did that, I would get those feeling crushed. And in truth, he did hurt me, physically, not mentally. The fucka hit me and all of the trust and feelings that I had for him left when his fist made contact with my face. Not to say that I deserved it, but I did provoke him with my constant bitching and control issues. I guess that he just got fed up with it.

To understand my control issues you have to understand my childhood . Let's just say that I never felt like anyone loved me when I was a child and at times I still feel that way. It always feels like i'm on my own. So I have to control all situations or I lose it.

And now, I let that same fear keep me from getting close to a just about anybody, especially another man. The guy that I am seeing now seems to be a great person that has the capacity to love and care for me, but that damn fear of what could happen is rearing it's influential head. I just let can't let my emotions take control of me for fear that I will lose control over my life.

But you know what? It already feels like I have lost control of my life. Nothing is going the way that I want it to go. I was on furlough from my job for a month, so my ass is broke. I can't fucking cry to save my life. I'm getting those "alone in the world" feelings again. I can't make up my mind if I want to be involved with someone. I can't make up my mind what to do about my career path. I miss my mother. I don't feel like there is anybody who truly cares about me. I just feel fucked up.

So now, I will do what I use to do when I felt like this. I am going to the liquor store and get me some Hennessey and a bottle of wine and get fucked up. Maybe things will be better when I awaken tomorrow.

I'll talk to you all later. Peace.

Care Bear Quiz

This quiz is bullshit. I ain't no fucking thug bear.
I'm more of a "who gives a fuck bear!"

Take Dysfunctional Care Bear Quiz here.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Got To Give It Up!

I have had something on my mind for the last few weeks. I think it's something that a 99% of people in the world think about each day. In fact, it is said that men think about it at least 10 times a day. Also, people say that it's like air. You don't think about it till you ain't getting any. That item that I am talking about is of course, SEX.

For the last few weeks, I have been thinking about abstaining from sex. And I am quite sure that the readers of this post will wonder why this has been on my mind. So ill tell you. And there are a few reasons.

Reason #1-Back in August, I took my bi-annual HIV test. I took the Ora-Quick test at AidAtlanta so that I would only have to wait 20 minutes as opposed to 1-2 weeks for results. The test came back negative and I want to keep it that way.

Reason#2-I have not had great sex since session #2 with TBSIEH last December. (I promise to do a part II). I don't think that it's been bad, but it just hasn't been great. It's like once it's over, i'm thinking "why did I do that?" It just hasn't been as pleasurable as it use to be.

Reason #3-I have been having sex with guys too soon after I meet them. I have had a few "first date" sex sessions. I think that this is a contribution to Reason #2. I have not taken the time to care about a person since my last relationship. Sex with strangers just ain't what people make it out to be.

Reason #4-Some men equate sex with love. There have been a few times that I had sex that was supposed to be a one time thing. But for some reason, the fellas thought that I wanted more than that and I ended up dating them only to have to dump them days or weeks later.

Now, I said that I had been THINKING about abstaining, but I can't do that. But I have made a compromise with myself. I will not have sex with a man until I feel like I care for him and he cares for me. There will be no sex of any kind until that point. No anal, oral, or any other kind of sex. I don't care how blue my balls turn or how much I ache for it, there will be no more sex with "strangers." I also will not be sleeping over at anyone's house. I will not kiss anyone. There will be no massages. There will be very limited physical contact of any sort.

It may be a long time before I have sex again, but this is one resolution that I am gonna keep.