Thursday, October 06, 2005

Don't Know What to Do

All of the blog entries that I have written so far have been about what I think or things that I have done. This particular blog entry is gonna be about how I feel.

Right now, I am in one of the worst moods that I have ever been in. I feel like a total fucking failure. I keep feeling like I have not done anything significant with my life. And the truth is that I have not. At the age of 27, I have done nothing to work towards my goal of a satisfying life.

The thing that I have come to terms with today is that fact that I live in a constant state of fear. And that fear has kept me from doing the things in my life that I feel would have led to some sort of happiness.

I have let fear of failure keep me out of law school for the last four years. Going to law school to become an attorney was my dream from the time that I was a kid. When I got to college, I majored in Chemisty because I wanted something to fall back on in case I didn't make it to law school. Even though I had a fucking 3.8 GPA at the school I was attending, I transferred to a larger university for reasons that I still don't know. I changed my major to Political Science because I thought that that would better prepare me for law school. That and the fact that I failed my first chemistry class because it was a totally different environment. I couldn't catch on. I did a pretty good job and had a 3.3 GPA upon graduation. But I never applied to law school because I was afraid that I wouldn't get in. I didn't even give it a chance and try. Fear prevailed over me on this one.

I let a fear of failure end the most satisfying relationship that I ever had and I am still allowing it to do that. I spent 2.5 years with Dreads and the whole time, I was afraid to just let my feelings and emotions guide my relationship instead of fear. I was afraid that if I did that, I would get those feeling crushed. And in truth, he did hurt me, physically, not mentally. The fucka hit me and all of the trust and feelings that I had for him left when his fist made contact with my face. Not to say that I deserved it, but I did provoke him with my constant bitching and control issues. I guess that he just got fed up with it.

To understand my control issues you have to understand my childhood . Let's just say that I never felt like anyone loved me when I was a child and at times I still feel that way. It always feels like i'm on my own. So I have to control all situations or I lose it.

And now, I let that same fear keep me from getting close to a just about anybody, especially another man. The guy that I am seeing now seems to be a great person that has the capacity to love and care for me, but that damn fear of what could happen is rearing it's influential head. I just let can't let my emotions take control of me for fear that I will lose control over my life.

But you know what? It already feels like I have lost control of my life. Nothing is going the way that I want it to go. I was on furlough from my job for a month, so my ass is broke. I can't fucking cry to save my life. I'm getting those "alone in the world" feelings again. I can't make up my mind if I want to be involved with someone. I can't make up my mind what to do about my career path. I miss my mother. I don't feel like there is anybody who truly cares about me. I just feel fucked up.

So now, I will do what I use to do when I felt like this. I am going to the liquor store and get me some Hennessey and a bottle of wine and get fucked up. Maybe things will be better when I awaken tomorrow.

I'll talk to you all later. Peace.


Blogger Blush said...

i totally feel ya. you're not alone out there. i think you're great.

5:37 PM, October 06, 2005  
Blogger WiseYoungMan said...

You are not a my post about f.e.a.r.

5:42 PM, October 06, 2005  
Blogger Ladynay said...

You are not alone...

Today is a new day...

There is still time to submit that law school application...

Nobody has the right to put their hands on you cept your momma...

I feel you on the relationship fear...

7:21 AM, October 07, 2005  
Blogger *Madosi said...

wow, yet another ability of mine to really got to know you man ...

i am a firm believer that everything happens in life for whatever reason and to not question it. i know its hard to see yourself as a failure, but think about it this way. it has not happened because it was not time to let it happen.

you are right, you need to let go of the fear, it will cripple you!

and there is no need to feel alone, you have people, myself included that care for you as a friend and individual.

we got yo back niguh!

9:19 AM, October 07, 2005  
Blogger That Girl said...

I totally understand how you feel....Fear dictates our lives...I am always afraid of failure...afraid of what people will think of me...we have all got to attempt to control and overcome those fears to succeed...You seem very successful to, hang in there.

7:47 AM, October 09, 2005  
Blogger Valentino said...

I think everyone goes through this during their 20s and I wonder why...Fear is always a hindurance nd have stopped me amny times until I took on the motto " no regrets" it works sometimes ( I moved here) and other times it doesn't. But you'll be cool i'm sure...You'll toast some moet on it one day

9:33 PM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger No4real4real said...

Oh my goodness! Bless your heart. There is so much going in this post. I am almost afraid to comment but like to run my mouth so you are going to hear it.

Okay I fell off on my blogging and commenting but I am back. But for some strange reason as I been going around reading posts and commenting I have been noticing I been telling people fuck this and fuck that. For you it is needed. FUCK FEAR!!! Man you got that. Go for law school. Start part time if you need to man but make it happen. If you blogged about it you want it to happen. You can't speak about it on the blogg and not expect us to follow up you to see if you made some moves. Get it together and go handle Law School. Especially if it was a life long dream of yours. FUCK FEAR!!!

As for bitching and a dude hitting me - shouldn't happen. I will never say it won't because it just may but as true as I am gay that brother won't ever do it again. At least not to me. I just happy you learned after the first experience. You are the man for that.

Man you can let your down your guard wtih your man when the time is right and true love has made its way in the relationship. In doing so doesn't mean you are losing control of your life. Just the opposite since you are handling things at your own time. Regardless in a relationship things should be reciprocated. GIve into each while maintaining control. I know it can happen.

Alright I have already said to much. Just do the damn thing and FUCK FEAR!

10:46 PM, October 10, 2005  

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