Ulterior Motives
I was watching an episode of my favorite TV show last night, Desperate Housewives, when Bree used a phrase that struck a chord with with me. Bree baked some cookies to take to the new neighbor, Betty Applewhite (Alfre Woodard) as a "welcome to the neighborbood" gesture. But while at the house, Bree tells Betty that she has "ulterior motives." She has heard that Betty was once a concert pianist and wants her to play the organ at Bree's husband's funeral. Bree may have really wanted to meet the new neighbor, but her real purpose was to ask Betty to play the organ. As usual, it got me to thinking about something. This time it was ex-boyfriends.
A lot of time, when people end a relationship, they remain friends. I think that this is very prevalent in the gay community. How many of your friendships started out at romantic. I for one am friends with 3 of my ex-boyfriends. There is no point in lying about the fact that I still love all three. Not in-love, but love them. Now, don't get me wrong, there is no overwhelming urge to get back with either of them (notice that I said overwhelming). But I still do love each one of them.
The first relationship was with Dreads. It lasted 2.5 years. We had our ups and downs and made our mistakes, but I don't think that neither of us wanted it to end. But he hit me once when he got mad and that was it. The next relationship was with Chicago and it lasted for 1 year. I think that I was most compatible with him, as we never had an argument and truly enjoyed being together. It ended because I lived in Atlanta and he in Chicago. The third relationship (if we can really call it that) was with Animal and it lasted just 4 months. It ended because he wasn't the type of man that I really wanted and I knew that I would be moving to another city later that year.
The strange thing is that of all the boyfriends that have, I remain friends with these three. We actually hang out together and talk on the phone platonically. Except for Dreads. Every now and then, we flirt with each other and show a little affection. But each time that I am around or talk to each one, the thought of romantically reconnecting surfaces. I sometimes wonder if I remain friends with them hoping that we do reconnect. Do I have ulterior motives for my friendships with these 3 men?
I must admit, I think that I do. For sure, I would reconnect with Dreads. I felt like that man was meant to be with me from the moment that we met. He's told me several times that he regrets hitting me, and I am sure that he would never do it again cause I he realized that I fight back (and my sister threatened to shoot him). I still daydream about us being a couple. And we have even talked about reconnecting, but each time we have discussed it, one of us was in a situation with another person.
I would also get back with Chicago. In a whole year, we never had a disagreement. We had similar outlooks and plans for life and both wanted the "two kids, a dog, and a home" thing. He and I have never talked about it, but he have both mentioned to each other that we miss being a couple. I actually moved to Chicago (not to be with him) back in January of this year. A few of our friends expected (and I was kinda thinking about it) us to get back together, but he was seeing someone during the time I lived there. Oh well, I have moved back to Atlanta now.
Now, Animal, I am not sure if I would get back with him. Like I said, he wasn't really the type of man that I really wanted. He is a really good person with the biggest heart, but he wasn't my type. For one, he was really passive. I don't like passiveness at all. It's a major turn off. He was also childish. We once went to Philly for vacation and he MADE me take a picture of him with a statue of Mickey Mouse. Mind you that he was the only adult in line. But what I did like about him was that he did anything that he thought would keep a smile on my face and he was sexy as hell.
So in conclusion, I know that I have ulterior motives in maintaining friendships with my ex-boyfriends. But, hey, I can do that and I can't be the only one. Give me some feedback and confessions.
A lot of time, when people end a relationship, they remain friends. I think that this is very prevalent in the gay community. How many of your friendships started out at romantic. I for one am friends with 3 of my ex-boyfriends. There is no point in lying about the fact that I still love all three. Not in-love, but love them. Now, don't get me wrong, there is no overwhelming urge to get back with either of them (notice that I said overwhelming). But I still do love each one of them.
The first relationship was with Dreads. It lasted 2.5 years. We had our ups and downs and made our mistakes, but I don't think that neither of us wanted it to end. But he hit me once when he got mad and that was it. The next relationship was with Chicago and it lasted for 1 year. I think that I was most compatible with him, as we never had an argument and truly enjoyed being together. It ended because I lived in Atlanta and he in Chicago. The third relationship (if we can really call it that) was with Animal and it lasted just 4 months. It ended because he wasn't the type of man that I really wanted and I knew that I would be moving to another city later that year.
The strange thing is that of all the boyfriends that have, I remain friends with these three. We actually hang out together and talk on the phone platonically. Except for Dreads. Every now and then, we flirt with each other and show a little affection. But each time that I am around or talk to each one, the thought of romantically reconnecting surfaces. I sometimes wonder if I remain friends with them hoping that we do reconnect. Do I have ulterior motives for my friendships with these 3 men?
I must admit, I think that I do. For sure, I would reconnect with Dreads. I felt like that man was meant to be with me from the moment that we met. He's told me several times that he regrets hitting me, and I am sure that he would never do it again cause I he realized that I fight back (and my sister threatened to shoot him). I still daydream about us being a couple. And we have even talked about reconnecting, but each time we have discussed it, one of us was in a situation with another person.
I would also get back with Chicago. In a whole year, we never had a disagreement. We had similar outlooks and plans for life and both wanted the "two kids, a dog, and a home" thing. He and I have never talked about it, but he have both mentioned to each other that we miss being a couple. I actually moved to Chicago (not to be with him) back in January of this year. A few of our friends expected (and I was kinda thinking about it) us to get back together, but he was seeing someone during the time I lived there. Oh well, I have moved back to Atlanta now.
Now, Animal, I am not sure if I would get back with him. Like I said, he wasn't really the type of man that I really wanted. He is a really good person with the biggest heart, but he wasn't my type. For one, he was really passive. I don't like passiveness at all. It's a major turn off. He was also childish. We once went to Philly for vacation and he MADE me take a picture of him with a statue of Mickey Mouse. Mind you that he was the only adult in line. But what I did like about him was that he did anything that he thought would keep a smile on my face and he was sexy as hell.
So in conclusion, I know that I have ulterior motives in maintaining friendships with my ex-boyfriends. But, hey, I can do that and I can't be the only one. Give me some feedback and confessions.
posted by That Dude Right There at
9/27/2005 07:06:00 PM
9 Comments:
i have never read anything more honest or more true.
oh and i love desperate housewives too. bree is in fact my favorite :)
I think with most of my relationships both friends and lovers I have some type of ulterior motives.
I recently broke up with someone I was dating... and I really want to say, "hey, let's be friends." But, secretly, i know all i'm really saying is, "lets take a break and hopefully your ass will wake up and smell the damn coffee."
interesting ... when u told me about this post last night i did not think for once it would be about this.
do we have ulterior motives? well yeah! i think we all do at different times in different instances.
have i ever told an ex we should be friends with the hope that we will get back together? not that i can think of. mainly because when the relationship ended it ended and if we became friends then we just did, it was not because we made an effort to make it turn out that way.
i have ulterior motives in other ways like when i meet people and i like them, i will be their friend to get to know them more to see if i could date them or if i want to go to an event and do not want to go by myself i will invite a friend, that can be considered an ulterior motive.
but in relationships, if its over its over and i try to operate in that. if it did not work, it did not work. and i have learned that from trying to break up with someone, still be involved with them, getting back together and then ending it again.
I can admit that I have kept one of my ex's around for good out of town sex. Outside of the sex he's a mess!
This post is so so true. Really made me think.
I have something to say about this and I'm not quite sure how to say it. There is a dynamic at work here that is really demonstrating something to me... that we (me too) remain friends with these people because that's all we were ever meant to be. The energy that was used in exploring the romantic relationship should have been used in solidifying a platonic relationship. During that time we would have found out all of the things that made it impossible for the romantic relationship to last. I think we have to learn to ignore or at least acknowledge and not act on the sexual attraction unless we establish, up front, that we want to jump off... period! All too often a relationship is based on sexual attraction and it is a recipe for disaster. When baking that cake, make sure you mix it long and completely enough so that it will rise high and not fall flat. I speak from experience.
I don't know. I think in just about everything we do, there's some kind of ulterior motive. It's just human nature I suppose. The fact that you wouldn't mind dating any of the three guys again (well except maybe Animal..*LOL*) shows that you have good tastes in guys. None of them were so offensive that you wouldn't want anything to do with them. So that's a good thing.
OK 1st off. I missed the 1st ep of Desperate Housewives. Damn Tivo. Second why have I been thinking about this issue today and now reading a post about it. Weird.
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