Monday, October 17, 2005

I Lied to Myself

And I will admit that to myself. I told myself last week that I didn't want to be with anybody and that I didn't want to love or be in love with anybody. I lied. I fucking lied to myself. That's the worst thing that could ever do to myself. It's bad enough when someone else lies to me, but what happens when I do it to myself.

Truth is that I do want to be with someone and I do want to love and be in love with someone. But I do have a few issues that won't allow me to let myself get involved.

1. I travel constantly for my job. I travel from 4 to 22 days at a time. No one that I have met wants to deal with that.

2. I'm don't feel that I have anything to offer to anyone right now. My life just isn't the way that I want it now. I don't have anything to share.

3. I still love my ex, Dreads.

4. I'm tired of attempting to date guys. No one knows what it means to date anymore. A date is not sitting and watching television or meeting up to have sex. I want to actually engage in conversation and laugh and hold hands and have a good time.

And i'm sure that there are a few other reasons. Because of bad experiences, time constraints, baggage, and others, I had convinced myself that I wanted to remain single. But my actions tell me otherwise. I have continued to engage in meeting different guys over the last few weeks. Nothing has come of either meeting other than sex. I'm even getting tired of that.

So, I lied to myself and said that I wanted to remain single and love-free. But I have apologized to myself and I am moving on. I do want to have companionship, and love, and all of the things that go along with them.

10 Comments:

Blogger Karsh said...

I'm tired of attempting to date guys. No one knows what it means to date anymore. A date is not sitting and watching television or meeting up to have sex. I want to actually engage in conversation and laugh and hold hands and have a good time.

I totally agree with you on this; it's hard to want to date when a lot of people don't even follow the craft. At one point, I even tried to do the gay speed-dating thing; it was a disaster. I'm currently going through my own self-actualization deal with dating and any romantic future I may have; good luck on your own search. :)

8:03 AM, October 18, 2005  
Anonymous Bernie said...

[deep sigh]

Yeah, I feel you.

People were not meant to live their lives alone, I don't believe, yet finding, building and maintaining quality relationships is so difficult for so many reasons.

I've been trying to convince myself I'll be ok spending the rest of my days in solitude. It's not working either.

8:22 AM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger *Madosi said...

ok, so i love u with all that is in me so do not get upset with me for what i am about to do next ...

ROTFLMGBAO = rollin on the floor laughin my gay black ass off ...

see there, i told you. you were so busy trying to play big and bad, you got it together and dont need or want anyone and all along you did!

so i am not crazy and you are just as picky as i am ...

but anyway, now that i have said all of that ... it will happen. i have hope for me and i have the same hope for you. and when it comes time and it right then all the issues you have and whatever issues they may have will disappear.

12:21 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Tim said...

Baby, I hear ya, and I feel what you're saying.

10:19 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Blush said...

i am in the same predicament babe.

12:02 AM, October 19, 2005  
Blogger E said...

Sigh...I'm totally feeling this post as well.

9:22 AM, October 19, 2005  
Blogger KneeDeep said...

You must be a flight attendant? I know you have heard it before, but he will come when you least expect it, then you have to be ready....
KD

11:12 PM, October 19, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

By reading the reasons in your blog, I think #3 stuck out at me the most, if you still harbor feelings for your ex, then all the other reasons are mute at best. And a word of advice, life will never be totally as you want it, you have to live for now, tomorrow will happen on its own.

2:07 PM, October 20, 2005  
Blogger That Girl said...

I think we all want those things and we all at some point lie to ourselves about what we want...at least you recognize that it is a lie. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be wanted...

3:18 PM, October 20, 2005  
Blogger Clay said...

I'm tired of attempting to date guys. No one knows what it means to date anymore. -

i think that goes for everyone ... isnt really a gay thing, but i know it can be hard

1:38 PM, October 21, 2005  

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