I Lied to Myself

And I will admit that to myself. I told myself last week that I didn't want to be with anybody and that I didn't want to love or be in love with anybody. I lied. I fucking lied to myself. That's the worst thing that could ever do to myself. It's bad enough when someone else lies to me, but what happens when I do it to myself.

Truth is that I do want to be with someone and I do want to love and be in love with someone. But I do have a few issues that won't allow me to let myself get involved.

1. I travel constantly for my job. I travel from 4 to 22 days at a time. No one that I have met wants to deal with that.

2. I'm don't feel that I have anything to offer to anyone right now. My life just isn't the way that I want it now. I don't have anything to share.

3. I still love my ex, Dreads.

4. I'm tired of attempting to date guys. No one knows what it means to date anymore. A date is not sitting and watching television or meeting up to have sex. I want to actually engage in conversation and laugh and hold hands and have a good time.

And i'm sure that there are a few other reasons. Because of bad experiences, time constraints, baggage, and others, I had convinced myself that I wanted to remain single. But my actions tell me otherwise. I have continued to engage in meeting different guys over the last few weeks. Nothing has come of either meeting other than sex. I'm even getting tired of that.

So, I lied to myself and said that I wanted to remain single and love-free. But I have apologized to myself and I am moving on. I do want to have companionship, and love, and all of the things that go along with them.