Tuesday, February 28, 2006

I Don't Know Why...

I look so damn mad all of the time.
Whenever I have something on my mind, my brow furrows and I look mad at the world.

Monday, February 27, 2006

5 Days

Ok people, it's 5 days till my 28th birthday (March 4th). I told you all a few weeks ago that I am going to spend the weekend in NYC with some friends. But guess what? I have no idea what to do when i get there. Of course I want to go out to some clubs on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights.

Anybody got any ideas such as which clubs to go to, where to eat, and where to shop?

I Often Wonder

Statistics get on my fucking nerves. Such as the ones that say things such as that I have a 1 in 7 chance of becoming HIV positive. Or that 1 in 3 black gay men are HIV positive. Reading shit like that just pisses me the fuck off because they are not true in the slightest sense.

But I often wonder how my life would change if I were to find out that I were HIV positive. I honestly don't know how I would react. I get tested every 3 months because I want to know. Some people think that that is excessive, but what I eat doesn't make them shit. I am very concerned about my health.

But suppose the results of my test that I will take in April come back positive. How would my life change? I honestly don't know. I honestly don't think that I would freak out and cry and become angry at the world. I say that because I know that HIV is not an immediate death sentence as it once use to be. Not saying that I am not worried about it. Just that I don't worry about it any more than I worry about developing cancer or hepatitis.

So I want to ask you readers a question. How do you think that 1.) you would react to finding out that you were HIV positive and 2.) you life would change?

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Role Models

I'm sitting here watching Grey's Anatomy and saw a gay couple take their son into the hospital for an injury. I don't know about anybody else, but each time I see a couple like this, especially when they look happy, I become a little happier.

Why you may ask? I become a little happier because it's so far and in between that you see a gay couple that appears to be happy together. It seems that most people are single or in relationships or situations where they are unhappy. Seeing a gay couple together who appear to be happy gives me hope that one day, I will be happy with someone. I look at other gay couples as my role models even though I know that when I see them looking happy, that there may be not-so-happy parts of their relationships. But I can't and don't want to see that.

I wonder how they met. What they do to make each other happy. How they handle their arguments. How they handle family issues. How they handle everything.

I know that many people think that I harp on and on about being with someone, but that's just one of the things that I have always wanted in my life. I guess it stems from the fact that I have a hard time feeling that people care about and love me. And, I shouldn't, but I do blame it on my parents lack of expressing love to me. It may be because I was adopted. I don't know. But I want someone in my life that can tell me that they love me and I can believe it. That's the most important thing in life to me.

I guess taking this time to be away from VP has made me realize that he and I aren't gonna happen. Not that I don't want it to, but because he doesn't want it to. Even tough he won't talk to me about it, I know it. Once again a dream has died. This time, I don't know if it's gonna be ressurected. But I will maintain hope.

I Want..

A partner


A House

To be an attorney

To be financially secure

Good sex

Good Friends

Will this make me happy? I don't know, but it will surely make my life more enjoyable.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

I'm Still Thinking

It hasn't been 5 days into my 2 weeks away from VP and all I can do is think about him. I keep wondering about what do I do if he and I don't work out. But the strange thing is that I also have something else on my mind. My next situation.

I haven't even ended this one and am already thinking about how I want a boyfriend. In fact, I have already met a dude that wants to take me out on a date. As Prince said, "I need another lover like I need a whole in my head."

I know why I do it. I don't like being alone. I like the attention that I get from having someone who has an interest in me. It feels good. When people say that they enjoy being single, I just can't relate because I always seem to have a man around. I HATE being single. But even though I hate it, maybe that is what I need. Maybe I need to be completely single so that I can clear my head. But that shit is just hard. I'm not even single and I'm scared of it already.

I don't know what the fuck to do with my life sometimes. Somebody please help me. I think that I am gonna cry! It seems to work for everybody else.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

That Little Something

You're a no good heart breaker
You're a liar and you're a cheat
And I don't know whyI let you do these things to me
My friends keep telling me
That you ain't no good
But oh, they don't know
That I'd leave you if I could

I guess I'm uptight
And I'm stuck like glue
Cause I ain't neverI ain't never,
I ain't never, no, no (loved a man)
(The way that I, I love you)

Some time ago I thought
You had run out of fools
But I was so wrong
You got one that you'll never lose
The way you treat me is a shame
How could ya hurt me so bad
Baby, you know that I'm the best thing
That you ever had
Kiss me once again

Don'cha never, never say that we we're through
Cause I ain't never
Never, Never, no, no (loved a man)(The way that I, I love you)

I can't sleep at night
And I can't even fight
I guess I'll never be free
Since you got, your hooks, in me

Whoa, oh, oh
Yeah! Yeah!
I ain't never loved a man
I ain't never loved a man, baby
Ain't never had a man hurt me so bad

Well this is what I'm gonna do about it

That little something is back again. Yesterday I had decided to break all ties to VP. But today I know that I can't do it. That little something in the back of my mind keeps telling me to stick with it and see what happens. I also know that everyone is gonna say that I am crazy for doing it and I probably am. But I need to stick with my gut this time. It's the only thing in my life that had been guiding me in the right direction.

VP and I have decided to take a 2 week break from each other. I figure that this will give me and him ample time to think this situation over. I need to do that because I tend to jump to conclusions and sometimes overreact. I just need to think about the situation.

He explained why he didn't want to have messages sent to his phone. He says that his nephew, who has been spending the week with him while his sister is in town, has been using his phone to make long distance calls without his knowledge. I asked him why he couldn't just tell me that, and he said that he didn't have an answer but that he should have told me.

So, I am gonna take that 2 weeks to think about this situation. And of course, I will blog about what I come up with. Wish me luck because I am gonna need it.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Shocked and Amazed

Who would have guess that as soon as I finished and posted my last post that I would want to delete it. But I am not one to delete post.

I had to let VP out to pasture when he did something that I can't and won't put up with. The nigga called me out of my name. And in a text message at that. Here is the story.

On Friday I sent VP a text message telling him that I missed him and wanted to see him.

Me: I miss you and want to see you today.

VP: Plz don't sent messages like that to this phone. Someone might read them.


So at this point I am thinking "since when has he been worried about text messages. I know that he has to leave his phone at the nurses station on his part-time job, but why not just turn it off. So I just let this one go and went on about my day.

Later that day, I sent him what I thought was an innocent message

Me: I am going to Birmingham for the weekend, call me later.

VP: Didn't I tell you not to send messages like that to this phone.

So again, I am thinking "what's his problem"? Saturday morning when I called him we talked, but not about the text message thing. I didn't even bring it up.

Sunday evening when I got back home, I sat and listened to some music and then called him. No answer. I left a message asking him to call me. Two hours later, he still had not called me. I knew that he was not at either job, so I sent him a text message.

Me: I need some loving. I'm lonely.

VP: Didn't I tell your stupid ass not to send message like that to this phone.

Me: That wasn't necessary you bastard. Who the fuck is gonna be looking at your text messages any damn way?

I have a both a shocked look and an amazed look. When I saw his message, I did both at the same time. I just looked at the phone in confusion. He had never said anything like that to me before and I have no idea why he would now. But other shit went through my mind.

First being that this was the first sign of some kind of abuse. I am by far no expert on domestic abuse, but I know that it starts with name-calling. And I don't want to be known as "the man that killed his partner for beating him".

Second, I have never put up with this much from any man. I was trying to be patient, but the more I though about it, I realized that I am not happy in this situation. I only stayed because I am tired of ending situations at the first sign of trouble. So I said that I was gonna hold onto this one until I was sure of what was gonna happen.

Third, an aquaintance of mine told me that he use to date VP years back and he was the same way. Didn't return calls, never wanted to go out, and was just totally inconsistent. I wish that he had told me this 4 months ago.

Now I know that this situation is not gonna make it. I don't ever want to speak to him again. But the strange thing is that I feel that if he calls and has a good excuse, I would forgive and forget. But when I come to my senses and think about the fact that I am not happy in this situation, I say "fuck that"!

Song of the Day-Luther Vandross "It's Over Now"

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Do Right Man

Take me to heart
And I'll always love you
And nobody can make me do wrong
Take me for granted
Leaving love unshown
Makes will power weak
And temptation strong

A woman's only human
You should understand
She's not just a plaything
She's flesh and blood
Just like her man

If you want a do right
All days woman
You've gotta be a do right
All night man

Yeah, yeah
They say that it's a man's world
But you can't prove that by me
And as long as we're together baby
Show some respect for me

If you want a do right
All days woman
You've gotta be a do right
All night man

A woman's only human
This you should understand
She's not just a plaything
She's flesh and blood
Just like her man

If you want a do right
All days woman
You've gotta be a do right
All nights man
You've gotta be a do right
All nights man

Arethat Franklin "Do Right Man"

I was driving in my car today and just so happened to have just burned this CD from a friend of mine. When this song came on the radio, something told me to turn the music up and listen. I listened to the song from beginning to end and it got me to thinking about shit as usual. I haven't been a "Do Right Man" to VP.

Listening to it made me realize that I even though I want this man to be mine, I don't act like it. I find myself still entertaining the thought of dating and seeing other people. It made me realize that I never do things to make his day happier or easier. It made me realize that some of the things that I say could hurt his feelings or upset him. I haven't really done anything to make this situation grow.

It's funny that a song made me think about this. Why couldn't I think about it on my own? I even posted about my faults in the relationship with Dreads. You would think that I would have this shit understood by now, but I don't.

I know that I want it, but maybe I am not as ready for a committed relationship as much as I thought.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Am I That Person?

You know how you always think "that will never be me." Or "I would never let myself be put into that situation." But when the situation happens to you, you deny it to yourself and everybody who points it out to you. You tell yourself that it's ok because your situation isn't as bad as other's that you have seen. But when it comes down to it, you are still in THAT situation.

I don't have to tell you what situation it is because you can probably figure it out. But I am going to tell you just to keep your thoughts in the right place. It's my situation with VP. It's been 3.5 months that we have been seeing each other and I have come to the conclusion that I have no idea what is going on between us. I keep thinking that while I want to progress with him, I am not sure that that is the best thing for us to do.

We still have arguments about me wanting to spend more time with him and him not making time for me. That's the only notable issue that we have. I know that my schedule and his schedule won't allow us to spend days, weeks, and hours at a time together, but when I am at home in Atlanta, I make time for him. I don't feel that he does the same for me. Although, since I have been home since Thursday we have seen each other twice. Friday morning I took him to pick up his new S500 and Sunday we spent time at my apartment burning CDs and listening to music. I told him that that was all that I really want from him. Just for us to be in each others' presence.

I think that he thinks that I want to just tie him down and get married tomorrow. A few times I have thought that I would love to do just that, but I am not trying to rush the situation. Like I have said over and over, I am doing things differently. I want to wait until I know and can feel that he really cares about me before I even entertain the thought of a relationship.

Another part of doing things differently is to think about what I am doing that won't allow the situation to progress. Because there is no formal committment between us, I feel that it's ok to meet other fellas. I told you about Infiniti in another post, but there have been a few other guys that I have met. At this point, I have decided to not go on a date with anyone else. If I keep doing that, then I can't possibly focus on us. I can't put anyone else into our situation.

I also need to control my attitude. He says that I tend to get a little hot headed when I don't get my way or get irritated. And I admit that I do. Example. The other day, I was showing him the new Jaguar XK in a magazine. When he asked me what it was, I yelled "read it and see". I immediately realized what I had done, grabbed his faced and kissed him and apologized. I have to keep outburst like that in check.

So all in all, while I have seen people in situations like the one that I am in and thought that they were crazy for staying in them, I am now in that situation myself. No one understands the situation between myself and VP, but us. So, while I have listened to other people tell me that the situation will go nowhere and that I need to drop him, I am not listening to them. Each time I think about dropping him, something tells me to remain patient and hold out. And that's just what I am gonna do.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Hey Hey Hey

Hey everybody in bloggerville. I haven't really felt like blogging lately for some reason. But I will be back soon. Maybe tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Life Updates

I'm always updating about something ain't I? I sure am, so deal with it!

Update#1 I got the call from the old boss about going back to the old job. They offered my 4Gs less than what I asked for. Thanks for the consideration, but no thanks. It makes me appreciate the job that I have now.

Update#2 My promise to cut my spending has paid off. I have managed to save about $400 in the last 2 weeks. I did spend $80 on a blood pressure monitor and $ 50 on H&M underwear (I love the way that they accentuate my assets and packages). But I do receive a phat ass income tax refund on Friday. That's gonna put a brotha in the black or at least reduce the red.

Update#3 I have been keeping my diet and exercise promise. I think that I may have lost a few pounds and inches.

Update#4 There is no update on the progress or lack thereof of the situation between VP and me. I think that it may have flatlined and needs a shock.

Update#5 THIS IS MY 100TH POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Got To Have A J O B

I have read quite a few blogs where people are either changing, looking for, or don't have a job. I have a job that I am quite satisfied with. But I have been presented with a little bit of an opportunity.

On Wednesday one of my friends and former co-workers called me and told me that my old boss wanted me to come back and work for the company. I was flattered because the manager of the project that I use to work on requested that he find me and attempt to get me back on the project. Imagine that, someone wanting me! So me and the old manager we talked about a few things such as what's new with the project and how it has changed. Now, I like what I do, but I loved that project.

So, I know that you are wondering what the problem is. It's the pay. With the job that I have now, I get paid for the number of days that I work. Sometimes it's good such as when I work everyday in the pay period. But there have been times such as last August when I was off for a month. So, my issue with this job is that my paycheck is not certain and that can cause problems when we are off for extended periods of time. But, all in all, I made more money in 2005 than in any other year.

If I were to go back to my old job, I would be on a yearly salary. Therefore, I would know that I would be getting a paycheck on the 1st and 15th. When I was with the company before, knowing that I would get paid on those 2 dates allowed me to plan and save money each month. I was doing well. The issue with this is that I could possibly be taking a pay cut. I say possibly because with my present job, I could make about 10-15% more per year than if I was on salary.

But then again, I did say possibly. If there is another extended time off then I could go broke again. I talked about what happened to me between August and September in the Spending Spree post. To sum it up, I went broke because we were off work for almost a month and a half. If I went back to my old job, I would be assured a paycheck twice a month.

So, I have to ask myself a question. Should I stay with this job and possibly make more money or should I go back to my old job and be assured a steady paycheck?

If it were based only on the job itself, then I would go back to my old job tomorrow. Here are the reasons:

1. The hotels that I would work in are better. Think Hilton and Doubletree versus Super 8 and Days Inn.

2. I would be working on a team of 4-6 people instead of by myself.

3. No classroom training. Presently we have to do 3 days of training. With the old job, they did computer based training before we arrived.

4. A company credit card for all expenses. I would not have to spend my money and wait for reimbursements.

5. I could book my own travel. Presently, I have to fly on the airline that the travel agent books. I have only been on my airline of choice about 25 percent of the time since I started my present job.

On Thursday, I talked to my old boss and told him how much money it would take for me to come back. He was kinda shocked, but I told him that I wasn't budging on that salary. So on Monday, he will call me back and let me know if my salary was accepted. If it is, I will take a day to ponder what I should do.

I'll let you know what I decide.