Thursday, January 29, 2009

After 5 Years of...

...having online "dating" accounts, I decided that it was time to get rid of them. "Why did you do that?", some may ask. I did it because it's a part of my plan to get rid of things that aren't doing me any real good.

When I sat back and thought about it, I realized that I spent countless hours on A4A and M4N when I could have been using that time to do something more constructive. I could have spent those hours volunteering. I could have spent those hours in the gym. I could have spent those hours with my family and friends. I could have spent those hours getting better at my job. I could have been doing something that was beneficial to my life.

But in all honesty, I thought that I was doing just that. I thought that I would meet the man that I would build and maintain a relationship with. Alas, I didn't. What I did get was a plenty of one-night stands that could and should have been no-night stands. I also got a bunch of heartache from a few of the guys that I attempted to date. Now I can't say that everything was bad. I did meet a few guys that actually knew what a date was, but nothing ever came after that. And I met 1 person who I can now consider a dear friend.

I guess it seemed like meeting a guy online was easier to do. I didn't have to leave the house. I didn't have to spend any money. I didn't have to do anything but login, select a dude, and say hello. It made dating so easy. Or so I thought. The problem was that I would start chatting with 1 dude and get get intrigued, only to start chatting with another dude and get the same feeling. It made it seem like there was always something better one click away. Then on other times, I would see a dude out and about that I was attracted to. I wouldn't say anything to him there, but if I saw him online, I would strike up a conversation. Being shy and scared is so unbecoming that I always felt ashamed when I did that.

But on Monday, I decided that it was not working for me. I would spend hours chatting with dudes never to meet them. I chose not to meet most of them because I could see that they weren't what I wanted. And after you realize that most guys are internet liars you start to get tired of it. They are one thing online, but something totally different in person. I've met quite a few dudes who aged 5 years, or gained 50 pounds, or their dicks shrunk from the time between us chatting to us meeting. Or worse yet, the guys who have no picture but want to meet you. Why guys have to lie or deceive I never will understand. But I don't have to worry about that anymore.

The online profiles are gone and so are the problems and issues that go along with them. So long!!

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

This Has To Be...

...The saddest story I have ever read.

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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Is This Not The...

...Sweetest Picture? I miss those days.

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Sunday, January 25, 2009

So It Wasn't As...

...hard as I thought it was to let go of the exes and the old dates. To keep it basic, I told CC "no, you can't visit me when you drive through Atlanta" and then I told him why. I didn't say anything to Hollywood because I didn't have to. I told Infiniti that if nothing has happened in 3 years but sex, then nothing is going to happen and we're done. I deleted Delta's number. I deleted Coca-Cola's number. And any dude i've met recently, I just deleted his number. But one of them just doesn't want to let go. If you guessed that it was Dreads, then you guessed correctly.

He sent me a text message last week saying that he thinks that it's on purpose that I haven't called him in over a month. When I told him that the my phone is a 2 way device that makes and receives calls, he got perturbed. This reminded me of one of the reasons why we broke up 7 years ago. We had a conversation where he told me that I couldn't make a decision on my own to end contact with him without his input!! EXCUSE ME!!!! He got an earful of how what decisions I make are mine to make and that as a grown ass man, I have that right and that privilege. We let the conversation simmer down to where we could talk without defense and just listen.

We both agreed that it's time for things to come to a close or for us to become a couple again. We also agreed that a conversaton on that subject would be better in person. So I agreed to drive the 3 hours to the city where I went to college and he still lives. As I was preparing my mind for the drive, he informed me that he was having dinner with his other ex and his exes friends (oh really). So I said that I would wait until a better time.

Even though I agreed to wait to have this talk, I had already made my decision. I'm not waiting any longer. It's time to let go and move on completely. I'm done with thinking that one day, he and I will pick up where we left off (although with a lot more maturity). I'm done comparing every new dude with him. I'm done feeling as though I owe him my loyalty. I'm done with being the person he runs to when things go wrong in his life. I'm done with being his decision maker. I'm done with him.

I can imagine that when I start to think of the good times we had, i'm going to miss him. But it's what I need to do to prepare myself for my life partner. For some reason, I feel that time is near and I have to be completely available.

I told myself that 2009 was MY year of change for the better. I'm going to make sure that happens.

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Sunday, January 11, 2009

Last Night I...

...went out to The Bachelors Mill here in DC. I wasn't expecting to see anyone that I knew there because I know hardly anyone in DC. But of course I did. I saw a few people from Atlanta that i've seen out and about, but then I saw someone (I'll call him, 4Runner)that I used to date. Well, I guess we didn't really date. We had sex a few times and talked on the phone a lot but nothing really came of it because he lived in northern Florida and I in Birmingham at the time. But seeing him last night was nice. The dude has gotten sexier in these last 5 years.

But that's not why i'm writing this post. I'm writing because I had the strangest dream when I finally did get showered and in the bed to sleep. I had a dream that involved 4 guys that I used to date: Hollywood, Delta, CC, and Dreads. In the dream, I was trying to get get each of them out of my life, but as soon as I did, another one would come along and mess up my plan. I wonder if seeing 4Runner triggered me to have this dream.

I find it uncanny that I would have this dream because i've been struggling with whether or not it's a good idea to keep in contact with dudes that I stop dating. It seems that I have an issue cutting someone completely off after we are no longer romantically linked. And it seems that they have the same issue. Dreads and I broke up almost 7 years ago. Hollywood and I broke up in September 2007. Delta and I never never really went out on a date. We just spent a lot of time at each others' apartments and haven't done that in 2 years. CC and I stopped dating in July of 08. I still talk to these dudes and a few more that I used to date.

I guess once a dude get's into my heart, he's there to stay. I can't imagine never talking to Dreads or Hollywood again. I think that would break my heart. Delta and CC, I could most likely do it with no problem. But I wonder if that's what I need to do to clear the way for my life partner to come into my life.

I'll have to think about this one and seek some advice (that's a hint to those reading this).

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Sunday, January 04, 2009

I Fu(king Hate Snakes!!!

Sneaky Bastards!!

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