Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I Read This Editorial, But...


...I'm not sure how I feel about it. But here it is. Let me know how you feel about it.
A Non-Pessimistic View On Why the Majority of SGL\Black Gay Men of Color Will Grow Old Alone
An editorial by Cleon T. Day, III
Some of you might think that the first part of the title doesn’t match up with the latter part. How can stating “the majority of SGL/Black Gay Men of Color will grow old alone” be a non pessimistic view. Well for one thing in the closer picture in your life with the exception of a few can you count the number of people you personally know who are in a long-term relationship on two hands. The facts within your own circle is evidence of the majority of SGL/Black Gay Men of Color being alone.
Many of you can give “good reasons” why you are alone. Some of you will say that it’s your choice but I believe it’s not your choice as it is the climate not being right, quality relationship- oriented men being available or accessible. I believe if you move in the same circles you been in for several or many years you will continue to experience men in the same circles you move in, the ones you don't want. Then there are those men who are tired of the games and the past headaches of the last or past relationships and are forced by the lack of available or accessible of SGL/Black Gay Men of Color looking for a long-term relationship so you resign yourself from the whole thing of going out and looking a partner.
At some point SGL/Black Gay Men of Color who have only dated within their race will date outside of their culture to find not perfection but “a good man”. For some odd reason there’s a notion that Caucasian men are good candidates for long-term relationship, a belief that there’s more stability, a partnership where there’s personal and material growth. Also Black Gay Men of Color are looking for respect something they aren’t getting too much of from their own brothas. On the other hand a conscious Same-gender Loving man would never consider dating descendants of former slave owners.
I postulate that there are more single relationship- oriented Same Gender Loving/Black Gay Men of Color available than there are not. However what I do say is although they’re available they’re not as easily accessible to us the majority of us. I believe most of these men are for the most part undetectable or as we say in gay terms "unclockable" . Some of these men are closeted and discreet while other unclockable men don’t define themselves as being out but just low-keyed and have no problems in going out with a brotha on a Friday or Saturday night where other heterosexual couples are going to be. However they don't see themselves standing out as a sore thumb but two male men out to catch a movies as any straight brothas and yet they're not measuring themselves against what "they" so.
So here are the facts as I see them;
1. Many of the men we tend to run into in the circles we continue to run in are not honestly looking for a relationship but if it happens it happens, in the meantime it’s about getting some dick or booty or both.
2. There are perhaps SGL/Gay Men of Color in every profession and income level that you can think of with the exception of President or Vice President of the United States.
3. Most of these SGL/Gay Men of Color are single and are not in the clubs or on the adult male sites looking for a long-term relationship.
4. Many long-term relationship- oriented SGL/Black Gay Men of Color are discreet, low key and go about their daily routine of going to work everyday and living for the weekend.
5. Many of these men will meet men from time to time whether it’s at the gym, at work or by chance in a grocery store. It might start off as a sexual encounter but because they are relationship- oriented it might turn into something more.
I believe if we continue to move in the same circles of meeting guys who aren't who we want or stay to ourselves undetected, relationship- oriented SGL/Black Gay Men of Color will continue to be by themselves and grown old alone.
I was good with his article until he gave his "facts" as he sees them.
1. Many of the people in circles I see do want relationships. They just don't want relationships with each other.
2. What was the point of that? I don't think that people really care that much about income. I know I don't. As long as you can take care of yourself, i'm good.
3. Well, where are they? The reason that people feel comfortable with clubs and chat sites is because they know that the men are same-sex attracted.
4. How does he know this? And what does he mean by discreet and low-key?
5. Again, how does he know this?
What do you all think?

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9 Comments:

Blogger .::RoCkii*BoXxE::. said...

Well he tried.

6:08 PM, October 13, 2009  
Blogger Chet said...

I almost have to agree with his findings simply because it is so close to being a fact, but there is the exception.

Many SGL Men of Color will remain single the duration of their lives this includes myself, we have spent so much time searching for the perfect mate and not finding him inside our circle or outside of that circle that we've given up on LTRs. I know how hard it is to date outside of race very little interest.

I agree with you too, income isn't a factor in most cases (brotha gotta be able to hold his own). We do clubs and chatrooms as you stated for the obvious. The brotha probably knows from his own experiences.

8:17 PM, October 13, 2009  
Blogger ToddyEnglish said...

While I don't agree about there being no black gay couples (I know them. I've seen them)he does make some valid points.
I don't understand how he can say his view is not pessimistic. It is completely and TOTALLY pessimistic, bordering on nihilism. Basically, according to his article, if you're a black gay man in hopes of finding another black gay man you might as well slit your wrists and dive off the edge of the grand canyon...
Anyway, I'm not even going to lie. I do date white men in addition to black. Because I'm genuinely afraid that if I wait around for a black man I might end up sitting on my hands. It seems like all many black men wanna do is FUCK, period. It seems like NOBODY wants to go on a date and court.
It just seems like everyone is so trying to avoid being hurt or "played" that they refuse to open their hearts to the possibility of true love.

8:48 PM, October 13, 2009  
Blogger CrocoEmbossed said...

I am not certain if I understand the crux of his argument. He asserts that unclockable men are the ones who seek relationships, but they are not to be found in clubs, bars on adam, bgc, m4n, lh, etc.

Well, Norris you are right! Where the hell are these men? He claims that they only meet by happenstance - on the job, in the gym. I beg to differ.

By default, we can assume the author is clockable because he says that the unclockable ones are "inaccessible." Of course, he can't even spell the word correctly. He is upset because he feels he is being denied this great world of the "unclockable." He wants an invitation to that party.

However, I got news for him and anyone else: the notion of a "DL relationship" is busted - it's an oxymoron. A real relationship is always clockable to an extent.

So he should first learn to accept himself. Then he should go buy the latest version of Diana Hacker's "Rules for Writers." Then he will be two steps in the right direction.

11:17 AM, October 14, 2009  
Blogger Inside Jamari Fox said...

Makes it sound that we are doomed. lol

4:50 PM, October 14, 2009  
Blogger Cocoa Rican said...

I think...and I say think because his issues got a little muddled in translation...I think I agree on some issues.
I agree that some men of color go in to budding relationships with a chip on their shoulder. Consequently we end up unconciously making poor choices that betray our conscious efforts. That said, I don't believe we MUST date White men for stability nor do I think that White men present a better option for us as partners simply because of their race.

I agree that if you take the same path, we arrive at the same location. That said, we should try new venues to socialize, share of ourselves without judgment and we should go in with the intention of being the guy we're looking for. Be honest, be fun, be dependable, be loyal and work toward enjoying this person as a friend first and let the relationship grow naturally.

I'd hate to think that we would resign ourselves to a life of lonely clubs and seedy chat lines....but I'm not judging. LOL

7:22 PM, October 14, 2009  
Blogger Joey Bahamas said...

*rolls eyes* I can't take him seriously. "Relationship oriented men are out there, just not where you go or in your circle of friends so go find them elsewhere because your just running around in circles and if you're conscious you won't date white men, but if your active in the community you may be out of luck so troll around in grocery stores or str8 bars for what may be sexual encounter first, but you shouldn't just be looking for booty and meat." *takes a breath and looks up* I don't see it...

JB

4:17 PM, October 20, 2009  
Blogger Bernie said...

Some of his points I agree with, others not. Despite the fact that this wasn't the most clearly written essay I've ever read, he's at least attempting to get us to think about this issue, which can't be a bad thing.

I agree that if you do the same things and look for people in the same places where you've never had success before, you'll wind up disappointed again. The question I've been asking for years is, where do you find intelligent, single, relationship-minded black gay men if you aren't into bars and clubs? I'm not, but find that few people ever want to do anything different or new to socialize.

I reject the idea that we have to or will eventually wind up looking outside our race, and especially to white men, for companionship. That's an erroneous assumption. I think the overwhelming majority of us want to and will continue to date inside our own race, and eventually find our partners among other black men.

9:52 AM, October 21, 2009  
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3:20 PM, March 31, 2010  

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