Moving On Up!!!

Here is the house!!!! I'm so excited about moving in with Nelson (no more aliases needed). We only looked at 4 houses and this one was the first one that we saw. After looking at all of the rest, this was the one that we both agreed on. I wanted the one in the tennis community and he wanted the one that was almost 3000 sq ft. He thought the one in the tennis community was too far away and I thought the 3000 sq ft was too big. So we talked about what we both needed and wanted and this one was the one that stood out!! It's 4br, 2.5ba and about 1900 sq ft. I can't wait to furnish and decorate!!

Bits and Pieces

Earlier today I was reading YABG's blog entitled One Big Circle. In it he said "once you give someone a piece of your heart, you never get it back" and it really brought some emotions flooding back into my head. It got me to thinking about some of the men that I have dated and especially about the one's who still have a piece of my heart. Those men are in chronological order, Dreads, Chicago, VP, and Hollywood.

As I was driving home from work today, I started to wonder why each one of these men still captures my heart (and/or mind). It didn't take long for me to figure it out. There was something about each of them that I got from them that I still desire.

Dreads: What was it that Dreads gave me that I still desire in a partner? I figured out that this man was there for ME unconditionally. He did everything for me that I wanted and needed. I never had to worry about anything. When I got transferred to Birmingham, he moved with me. When we first started dating and I didn't have money, he gave me money. Even though he was 100% top when we met, he gave up some booty every once in a blue moon. His focus was all about keeping me happy and satisfied. I still want a man that puts me first. Even though it's been almost 7 years since we dissolved our relationship, he still holds and most likely will always own a piece of my heart.

Chicago-What was it that Chicago gave me that I still desire in a partner? I figured out that he was a truly kind, understanding, thoughful, and genuine person who cared about me. I could see it in his eyes each time I looked at him and he SHOWED it everytime we saw each other. We dated long distance for a year and I loved it. I'll never forget our first date when he took me to Giordano's Pizza, a movie, and around the city of Chicago. Each time I visited him (except that 1 time), he had planned something for us to do each time. I never doubted that he cared about me and I really felt like he was making sure that I knew that he cared about me. And I always felt comfortable with him. I still want a man that makes me feel comfortable and cared about. Even though we stopped dating 5 years ago, he still holds a piece of my heart.

VP-What was it that VP gave me that I still desire in a partner? Physically, he was everything that I wanted in a man. He was tall, attractive, sexy, thick-bodied, and did I say sexy? I loved looking at him, touching him, sexing him, holding him and just being around him. I had an affinity for VP that I couldn't and still can't explain. And I still do. In addition, he made me feel like I was the sexiest man on earth. The way that he looked at me. The way that he held me. The way that he sexed me. The compliments that he gave me. How he jumped in the shower with me and showered took the soap and towel and finished bathing me. The things that he did, just made me feel sexy and desired. I want a man to make me feel like that again. I'm not sure if it's my heart or my head that he still has a piece of, but he still has a piece of me in some form.

Hollywood-What was it that Hollywood gave me that I still desire in a partner? Hollywood had that confident, independent, "i'm a man and i'm your man" type of vibe going on. I loved his confidence. I loved his aggression and assertive attitude. He was the type of guy that could make a decision for both of us and I could agree with it. He could plan something and all I had to do was show up. He didn't ask me to do things that he could do himself. I didn't have to prod him to do anything. I didn't have pay for every date or drive to every date. He let me put my mind to rest while I was with him. And I still want a man with an independent spirit (like I have). Even though it's been over a year that we broke up, Hollywood still has a piece of my heart.

Even though each relationship or situation ended years ago, I'm still learning from them. In addition, if either one of these men asked me to get back to them, I can't say that I would say "no" to them. Each one still has that something about them that I want. The only issue is that i'm hoping to meet someone that has most of the qualities that I want.

So some of you may ask, " when do you move on" and I'll answer with this. You move on when the quality that the person has/had loses importance to you or you meet someone else who has it. I have yet to move on, but i'll be glad when I can.

My Mood Today

I'm just feeling lonely as hell for some reason (maybe because I am).

http://gettingmyselftogether.blogspot.com/2006/07/even-if-it-is-damn-lie.html

The Wristband

I was watching some show on television last week when a character compared love to those wristbands that you get at some clubs after paying cover. She said something to the effect that the band is what let's you get back in if you have to step outside for something. She said that love was like that wristband. Once you get it from someone, you can always go back into their lives as long as you want to. Just like that wristband lets you back in the club.

Many a night *or morning* I have come home from a club with that wristband around my wrist and tried to snatch it off. I have sometimes just gone to bed with it still on because it was too hard to get off and I was too lazy to go get my scissors.

I'm wearing someone's band and he is wearing mine. The one i'm wearing is too hard to rip off and I can't find my scissors. And I think that he is in the same situation. The problem is that the club closed back in September. We are both standing in line to get into a new club, but we can't get in because we are still wearing the old wristbands.

I Felt So Weak

So for the 6th weekend in a row, Beatmug and Goofy have come to Atlanta, from Birmingham to party (and next week will make 7). I wasn't planning on going out, but they offered to pay my way in and buy my drinks if I would let them stay with me and go out with them.

We were having a good time talking with people that we knew and having a few drinks. While sipping on my Long Island Iced Tea, I turned around and froze. I didn't want to see him, but he was standing right there 3 feet in front of me. If you don't know who he is, it's VP. My ex from a couple years back. He's the man that inspired this, this, this, this, this, this, this and a few more postings.

I swear, as soon as I looked into his eyes, my heart started racing, my mouth went dry, my hands started sweating, and I downed my drink! Then he smile at me and all of those physiological actions went into overdrive. I had no intentions of doing what I did, but I went over to him to speak. We talked for a minute about a few things and then I walked away. I asked him about the kids, his job, and his mom. He asked me about nothing.

After I walked away, I just felt strange all over. And what made it worse is that he seemed to follow me around the club smiling at me. At one point, he stood right next to me, but wouldn't say anything to me. I found out that it was because the guy that was standing to the left of him was the guy that he was seeing. I imagine that he must have told the dude who I was, because the guy kept staring at me like he wanted me dead. I was ready to kick off the shoes and take of my sweater and whoop some ass in the club. I guess Beatmug must have sensed what was going on because he handed me 151 and coke. After that, I just walked away again.

During my walk to the other side of the club, I felt someone grab by ass and take a squeeze. When I turned around and saw that it was VP, I didn't know what to do. Later on, he asked me for my phone number, but when I didn't see him pull out his phone to record it, I gave him a my old home phone number. I wonder who he called?

So finally we left the club and headed to Waffle House for some breakfast before heading home. The entire time I was eating and driving, I couldn't get my mind off of him.

Why does this man affect me like this?

Why do I still love him?

Why do I have this affinity for him?

Why, after 1.5 years apart can't I get over him if I know that he's no good?

Why doesn't he just grab me and hold me and never let go?

Why doesn't he feel the same way that I do?

All day Sunday, I kept asking myself these questions and replaying our relationship over and over in my head. I put my 'Come Back to Me" Cd in and listened to Whitney sing "Why Does It Hurt So Bad". I listened to Patti sing "Kiss Away the Pain". I listened to Xscape sing "The Arms of the One Who Loves You". I just felt like crying, but as we all know, I am incapable of doing that.

I had been depressed all day thinking about someone who I am sure is not thinking about me. So I turned to the one "person" that I knew could help. So while sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to Vermont, I just prayed to God for the strength to get this man out of my head and heart. Well, as I have witnessed, prayer works when it's sincere. The next day, I didn't even think about him, or Hollywood, or Infiniti, or Dreads, or Chicago.

I realized that although I have strong feelings (maybe even still be love) for these men, I don't have to let my feelings for them consume me. And I thank God for that.

But now I have to take the test of seeing any one of them again and see what happens. God be with me.

Because You Like Him

So my best friend, Beat Mug and I were talking about my most recent date that I had to let go. I was telling him that the dude was already calling be "baby" after 10 days of us knowing each other. I was also telling him that I hate for people to do that. You don't even know me well enough to care about me in any way and you are calling me "boo" and "baby". All you know is that you like me because I _______.

After he let me rant about how I hate the about situation, he let me have it. Do you here me? He made me think about myself and some of the situations that I have been in.

Beat Mug: You don't really like this dude.

Me: Why do you say that?

Beat Mug: If you liked him, you wouldn't mind him calling you "baby" or "boo".

Me: (after thinking for about 30 seconds) Yeah, you are right. I'm really not all that into him.

Beat Mug: I have noticed that when someone really likes someone else, he or she let's that person get away with a lot of shit that someone that they aren't really into, can't.

Me: (after thinking again for 30 seconds) You know what, you are absolutely right. You can be kinda profound everynow and then.

Beat Mug: Fuck you! I'm always profound!

Me: Except when that ass is drunk off that 151 and coke!

Beat Mug: You ain't never lied!

I sat there for a few minutes after we hung up the phone thinking about what he had said. Now as much as I hate for a new date to call me pet names or ish like that, would I had allowed it if I was as much into him as he was into me? With the affectionate names, no. I hate that ish and I always tense up when I hear it, no matter how much I like a dude.

But I thought about other things that I have let dudes get away with like this, or this, or Oh God, this. And not just him, but others. Like this one dude that I dated before I met Hollywood *I let him get away with A LOT of ish*. He was one of those "i'll call you back in a minute" kinda brothas that never did. I put up with that ish for about a month before I deleted his number. Why did I do it? It's because I liked him. I REALLY, REALLY liked him. He was attractive, stable, relationship-oriented, and had a specific Caribbean island accent that made me want to give him a book to read aloud. But even though he never did what he said he would, I put up with it. And guess what? He has been calling me lately and I have been answering. So guess what I have determined? I LIKE HIM.

So I guess Beat Mug was right. For those that we like or are really into, we will make concessions. For those that we aren't really into, they have to walk on eggshells and not crush them. If they so much as crack one of those eggshells, that ass is kicked to the curb.

I'm not even gonna ask why we do this, cause I know why. Anyone care to guess?

I Think I'm Going To Wait

Since I broke up with Hollywood less than a month ago, I have been itching to start dating again. I have even been on those imfamous websites that enable dudes to meet online before meeting in person. I have been letting friends know that I want to date someone. I have even been flirting with dudes more openly than normal.

But today something crossed my mind. I'm not over Hollywood. I'm not even close to being over him. I'm at that stage where I still think that we can get back together and make things work. I was thinking today that I still want to have sex with him (it was pretty good). But I know that can't happen because of how I feel.

I hear a lot of brotha (and sistahs) mention that they don't want to date someone with "baggage"?. But how in the hell do you let go of it? We all have it. When I have had a bad breakup, it's been easy. But Hollywood and I had a somewhat amicable breakup that didn't involve anything negative. We both agreed that it wasn't working out and that we shoudl split.

And after the breakup, I was ready to date again. But was/am I really ready? Should I start dating and let people know that I am in the process of getting over a relationship? Should I date and not tell potentials that I recently broke up with someone? Should I not date?

I recently met a dude online that seems to have all of the ideals of the kind of person that I want to date. Since I have been traveling, I haven't met him in person, but we have been talking on the phone just about every day. I was thinking that maybe I should try to give it a chance. But when my phone beeped today and I saw "HOLLYWOOD" and "TEXT MESSAGE" on the screen, it hit me that maybe I shouldn't be trying to get back in the game.

I don't want anyone to be a rebound as I wouldn't want to be one either. So right now, I think that I am gonna try to take a break from the brothas. It probably won't last long before I'm blogging about the newest guy that i'm dating.

So We...

...finally talked about our breakup and what lead to it. And yes, I called him. Apparently, there were 2 other things that he didn't tell me about why he wanted to end our relationship.


1. We didn't spend enough time together. We both travel. When we first started dating, we spent a lot of time together because I wasn't working as much. But our schedule always picks up for the summer and drops in the fall. So yes, our time was limited, but I forewarned him about that when we started dating. But, in my defense, I tried to make that time quality time.


2. He felt like he was changing me and he didn't want me to change me being me. Some of the things that Hollywood brought up were valid points. I did drink a lot. I did yell a lot when I got mad. I did take criticism badly. But all of these things were points that I actively changes. I cut my drinking. I stopped the yelling completely. I started listening to his criticisms. I don't think that he understood that I was changing for me and not just for the sake of the relationship. I actually take criticism and examine it to see if it will help me to be a better person.

Now, I still don't feel like these were great reason. But then again, I wasn't the one that wanted to break up. I really believe that any issue can be overcome, even infidelity, as long as both parties want to overcome the issue. I also believe that 2 people don't have to be 100% or even 50% compatible to make a relationship work. As long as you 2 are willing to work TOGETHER, then the relationship can be fulfilling and lasting.

But I think the problem here is that I was just more willing to work than he was. And that always seems to be the case with me. Once I get it in my head that I want to try a relationship with someone, I commit myself to that even if the other person hasn't gotten there. I am not even gonna say that i'm gonna work on that, because it's just a part of me and I know that it's not going anywhere.

That's all.

I'm Missing Him Ya'll

I'm missing Hollywood something terrible right now. I'm having that "I should call and talk to him" feeling and I don't like it. But the more I think about it, i'm not sure if it's him that I am missing or just his presence. I miss:

Having him to think about

Having him to look forward to talking to

Having him to lay on the couch and watch TV with

Having him to cook dinner for

Having him in my heart

Just having him.

I'm wondering how I would feel if I replaced each "him" with "someone"? Is the problem that I am just lonely now, or do I really miss him. This time, it's the latter.

We haven't talked since we broke up, but we have emailed and texted each other. I think that gives us a chance to get everything out without interruption from the other person. One of our problems was listening to he other person and truly hearing what he had to say. Emails and texts allow us to do that.

For the past 2 weeks, I have kept telling myself that don't want to talk to him. I can tell myself that a million times, but it's not true. I miss him and that's the truth. But as I think about him, I keep wondering is he thinking about me.

What To Do Now

There comes a point when you are dating someone when you feel ready to make it real and commit yourself to the other person. You just feel that it's that time. You make this decision even if the other person isn't there yet.

I've been dating Hollywood for 4.5 months as of the writing of this post. I'm at that point where I feel like it's now or nothing. I've had this feeling for the last few weeks and think that it's time for us to transition into something or nothing.

It may be sad to say, but this is the longest period of time that I have dated someone in about 3 years. I think that's so because I made a real decision this time. I've actually committed myself to making some real changes within myself. I made these changes in the hopes that they would allow me to just let go and let the situation flow. And they have and I am proud of myself.

Right now, I feel that I have to make the decision as to whether Hollywood is the man for me to commit myself to. I don't know it yet. I just don't. Sometimes, I want to continue dating other people. And other times I imagine growing old with him. Sometimes I want to snuggle up under him and stay there. Sometimes I don't want to be anywhere near him. Sometime I want to fcuk him till he cries. Sometimes I don't want to think about sex with him.

We had a little argument Saturday afternoon because he thought that I was putting my friends ahead of him. That wasn't the case. A friend of mine had a party that I agreed to help with. Hollywood didn't want to go because he was tired. I was running late when he called me and asked me to stop by his house. When I told him that I couldn't because I was running late, he asked me if the party was more important than him. I told him to never ask me a question like that because he may not like the answer.

Now I understand that he was leaving for work on Sunday morning, but I had made a commitment to do something for a friend and I was gonna do it. One of the reasons that I continued dating him was that we have similar work schedules. He is a flight attendant and I am an implementation specialist. We both travel and understand that we won't always be able to see each other. Or at least I thought that he understood that.

I just talked to him a little while ago and told him that I really did want to see him, but I had said that I would do something and had to do it. His reply was "it's cool".

I'm going to take my time on this situation. I don't want to make any hasty decisions as it comes to our dating situation. It's not yet a relationship. But i'm wondering if it will get there.

Could It Be True

Last night while flying to San Diego, I felt this little "ping" in my chest. No, it wasn't gas or heartburn. My first thought after that was "I think i'm in love". That damn Cupid has struck again.

Although I felt it, i'm not so sure that it's 100% real. I just can't get over the feeling that I am not fully satisfied. So I think it's best that I keep my mouth shut. And I know what satisfaction is, so don't even say that I can never be satisfied.

I Am Changing

How often have you heard someone say that they want someone to accept them as they are in a relationship? Quite often I can imagine. But have you ever thought that notion to be impossible? Can you really expect someone to accept you and put up with you as you are and with the personality that you have?

I use to think that I wouldn't change anything about me for anyone, but now I know that isn't fair or is it possible. I know that I am a hard person to get along with because I am so rigid and exact. I can be controlling and bossy. I can be bitchy and irritable. Is it fair for me to expect someone to fit into my mold of what I want if I am not willing to do the same for him?

I now know that in order for me to have a successful relationship, I will have to adjust myself to the fit with the person that I want to have a life with. I can't be in a relationship and always have things my way. I am sure that there are traits about me that I can't change, but if changing some of those traits can help me to have a successful relationship, then I am willing to do that.

Let's Talk About Love

Love. We all want it whether we want to admit it to anyone or not. But what is love? Has anyone ever really answered that question? Is it something that we can feel? Is it something that we can see? Is is something that we can do? Is is something that we can share?

Have you ever heard someone say "I feel like I love him/her"?

Have you ever heard someone say "I can see that you love him/her"?

Have you ever heard someone say "I'm ready to love someone"?

Have you ever heard someone say "Let me give you some love"?

Sometimes you feel strongly for a person, and think that it's love, but are you really sure. You know that this person makes you feel good. He/she makes you smile. You 2 get along perfectly. You actually feel something in your heart when you talk to the person. You drive all the way across town because you were asked to bring the person some ice cream. You have sex with the person and feel a strong connection. But still, is it love? When do you know that it's love? Can you know that it's love if you don't know what love is?

People say that love can hurt. Can love hurt you? Let's say that you love someone, but they don't love you back, yet? Or what if someone cheats on or lies to you. Do you blame love or do you blame the person?

Would you do something crazy or stupid for love. If you loved someone with all your heart and they asked you to rob a bank with them, would you do it? If someone asks you to let them drive your car and they have no license, do you let them drive your precious vehicle?

If you love someone, when do you tell the person? Do you say it when you feel it or do you wait until you know that it's real? Do you put a time limit on when you can say it. Such as, "I'm not gonna say that I love so-and-so until the 3rd month is complete". Do you say it over the phone, or does it have to be in person?

I guess that we don't have this love concept all thought about as much as we would like to think that we do. Do we? Love seems to be so much. It seems like a feeling, a thought, a tangible object. But truth be told, we have no idea what love is.