I Felt So Weak
So for the 6th weekend in a row, Beatmug and Goofy have come to Atlanta, from Birmingham to party (and next week will make 7). I wasn't planning on going out, but they offered to pay my way in and buy my drinks if I would let them stay with me and go out with them.
We were having a good time talking with people that we knew and having a few drinks. While sipping on my Long Island Iced Tea, I turned around and froze. I didn't want to see him, but he was standing right there 3 feet in front of me. If you don't know who he is, it's VP. My ex from a couple years back. He's the man that inspired this, this, this, this, this, this, this and a few more postings.
I swear, as soon as I looked into his eyes, my heart started racing, my mouth went dry, my hands started sweating, and I downed my drink! Then he smile at me and all of those physiological actions went into overdrive. I had no intentions of doing what I did, but I went over to him to speak. We talked for a minute about a few things and then I walked away. I asked him about the kids, his job, and his mom. He asked me about nothing.
After I walked away, I just felt strange all over. And what made it worse is that he seemed to follow me around the club smiling at me. At one point, he stood right next to me, but wouldn't say anything to me. I found out that it was because the guy that was standing to the left of him was the guy that he was seeing. I imagine that he must have told the dude who I was, because the guy kept staring at me like he wanted me dead. I was ready to kick off the shoes and take of my sweater and whoop some ass in the club. I guess Beatmug must have sensed what was going on because he handed me 151 and coke. After that, I just walked away again.
During my walk to the other side of the club, I felt someone grab by ass and take a squeeze. When I turned around and saw that it was VP, I didn't know what to do. Later on, he asked me for my phone number, but when I didn't see him pull out his phone to record it, I gave him a my old home phone number. I wonder who he called?
So finally we left the club and headed to Waffle House for some breakfast before heading home. The entire time I was eating and driving, I couldn't get my mind off of him.
Why does this man affect me like this?
Why do I still love him?
Why do I have this affinity for him?
Why, after 1.5 years apart can't I get over him if I know that he's no good?
Why doesn't he just grab me and hold me and never let go?
Why doesn't he feel the same way that I do?
All day Sunday, I kept asking myself these questions and replaying our relationship over and over in my head. I put my 'Come Back to Me" Cd in and listened to Whitney sing "Why Does It Hurt So Bad". I listened to Patti sing "Kiss Away the Pain". I listened to Xscape sing "The Arms of the One Who Loves You". I just felt like crying, but as we all know, I am incapable of doing that.
I had been depressed all day thinking about someone who I am sure is not thinking about me. So I turned to the one "person" that I knew could help. So while sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to Vermont, I just prayed to God for the strength to get this man out of my head and heart. Well, as I have witnessed, prayer works when it's sincere. The next day, I didn't even think about him, or Hollywood, or Infiniti, or Dreads, or Chicago.
I realized that although I have strong feelings (maybe even still be love) for these men, I don't have to let my feelings for them consume me. And I thank God for that.
But now I have to take the test of seeing any one of them again and see what happens. God be with me.
We were having a good time talking with people that we knew and having a few drinks. While sipping on my Long Island Iced Tea, I turned around and froze. I didn't want to see him, but he was standing right there 3 feet in front of me. If you don't know who he is, it's VP. My ex from a couple years back. He's the man that inspired this, this, this, this, this, this, this and a few more postings.
I swear, as soon as I looked into his eyes, my heart started racing, my mouth went dry, my hands started sweating, and I downed my drink! Then he smile at me and all of those physiological actions went into overdrive. I had no intentions of doing what I did, but I went over to him to speak. We talked for a minute about a few things and then I walked away. I asked him about the kids, his job, and his mom. He asked me about nothing.
After I walked away, I just felt strange all over. And what made it worse is that he seemed to follow me around the club smiling at me. At one point, he stood right next to me, but wouldn't say anything to me. I found out that it was because the guy that was standing to the left of him was the guy that he was seeing. I imagine that he must have told the dude who I was, because the guy kept staring at me like he wanted me dead. I was ready to kick off the shoes and take of my sweater and whoop some ass in the club. I guess Beatmug must have sensed what was going on because he handed me 151 and coke. After that, I just walked away again.
During my walk to the other side of the club, I felt someone grab by ass and take a squeeze. When I turned around and saw that it was VP, I didn't know what to do. Later on, he asked me for my phone number, but when I didn't see him pull out his phone to record it, I gave him a my old home phone number. I wonder who he called?
So finally we left the club and headed to Waffle House for some breakfast before heading home. The entire time I was eating and driving, I couldn't get my mind off of him.
Why does this man affect me like this?
Why do I still love him?
Why do I have this affinity for him?
Why, after 1.5 years apart can't I get over him if I know that he's no good?
Why doesn't he just grab me and hold me and never let go?
Why doesn't he feel the same way that I do?
All day Sunday, I kept asking myself these questions and replaying our relationship over and over in my head. I put my 'Come Back to Me" Cd in and listened to Whitney sing "Why Does It Hurt So Bad". I listened to Patti sing "Kiss Away the Pain". I listened to Xscape sing "The Arms of the One Who Loves You". I just felt like crying, but as we all know, I am incapable of doing that.
I had been depressed all day thinking about someone who I am sure is not thinking about me. So I turned to the one "person" that I knew could help. So while sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to Vermont, I just prayed to God for the strength to get this man out of my head and heart. Well, as I have witnessed, prayer works when it's sincere. The next day, I didn't even think about him, or Hollywood, or Infiniti, or Dreads, or Chicago.
I realized that although I have strong feelings (maybe even still be love) for these men, I don't have to let my feelings for them consume me. And I thank God for that.
But now I have to take the test of seeing any one of them again and see what happens. God be with me.
Labels: Depression, Love, Relationships, Why
posted by That Dude Right There at
11/27/2007 11:00:00 AM
13 Comments:
Interesting read. It's funny how life works. I once had a similar experience in my life. Later, I found out that the person felt the same way about me. It's not easy to simply turn off the feelings you have for someone, even if it has been a year and a half.
Good Luck
You should've gone through his cell phone...
Wow...to be honest, you never really get over true love...you simply move on from relationships that don't serve you. I think it's natural to feel pangs of jealousy, anger, frustration and even an overwhelming desire to straight-up cut their ass...
In the end, I don't know how to answer your questions, but I do know I felt your pain when you asked them....
I guess that old rule about remembering why they're an ex to begin with, helps.
Good luck.
@DLMBM-I think everyone has that person that they just can't let go of. I just wish I could figure out why I can't let this one go.
@Mr.Jones-You just silly!!!!!
@Cocoa-i guess if the time comes and he wants to be with me, I hope I can still remember why he is an ex and needs to stay that way.
that aint love boo boo. U dont love that man.
Did u think about him BEFORE u saw him? Thought about him while u was wit...whats dudes name...hollywood?
Thats that old shit.
U know, u put it in the garbage but u never did tie the bag and take it to the dump. So when u take the lid off the can, u get a wiff of that old shit and it takes u back to when it was fresh.
Let that go sweetie.
or i could be wrong LOL
lawd, i'm going through the same thing and it's messing with me seriously. this post is something i desperately needed to read, thanks man!
p.s. you shoulda cussed that a-hole out!
Running into an ex that you had extremely deep feelings for is always an awkward situation. But, after praying about it and turning it over to God, I'm sure you'll pass the next test with flying colors.
It's amazing how much of attraction is about chemistry or something else we don't understand. VP must give off a pheromone or some shit that really turns your crank. It appears he likes to observe his effect on you, and essentially how you deal with the torture of being around him. It's a power play, pure and simple. If you were a lesser person, you'd turn the tables and stalk his ass til he was calling the cops. You'll probably never get over him, and that's ok. One day, you'll find the guy who does that AND who is nice to you.
I have the same dilemma with my ex who was with me for 4 years. It's been 2 years now and I'm happy with a new partner. But I still think of my ex often. the few times I have seen him my body went through all of the same motions yours did. I finally decided my ex will always be a small part of me. I try to think of that horrible ending of our relationship as a real turning point in my life. I have grown so much since then. I guess there's a reason for everything, good and bad. Take care.
My first lover died. I closed that relationship in my heart, but it took a long time to heal from that love.
God's speed to you my friend.
Beatmug was there for you with that 151. VP was dead wrong for his actions. And prayer works, praise GOD!!! Just think of the reasons why you all ended the relationship and that will help when the past feelings resurface. You have the strength to move on, the question is do you really, truly want to?
And how old are you?
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