For The First Time In My Life...

...I have had the word "nigger" hurled at me from the mouth of a white person. Here's what happened.

I was leaving a gas station waiting to turn left into traffic. Behind me was a white guy driving a black Chevy Tahoe. I guess he thought that I wasn't moving fast enough for me so he tried to go around me. As soon as he turned to go around me, traffic cleared and I pulled out into traffic. I had no idea that I had done something "wrong".

I get to the next traffic light to turn left to get on the interstate and the light is red. I was the second car in line to turn. I noticed the black Tahoe in the right lane next to me waiting to go straight. Just as the light turned green for both of us to proceed, he let's down his window and screams "NIGGER" and floors it away. Because my music was up, I could barely here him, but my eyes could read his mouth clearly.

To my own surprise, I burst out laughing as I made my left turn and laughed for about 10 minutes. I laughed because people still think that calling Black people that word still stings. It may sting to other people, but not me. That doesn't hurt my feelings at all. If you want to hurt my feelings, tell me that I the clearance rack at Banana Republic is gone!

Now I must admit that once I stopped laughing 10 minutes later, I did get upset. I didn't get upset that there are some people who just don't have a clue. They act as though the world still is and always will be ruled by white people. What gave that bastard the idea that he had the privilege to just go around me when I had the right of way. I'm sure if it had been another white person, he wouldn't have tried it. But my second thought was that I am glad that I don't own a firearm. I'm pretty sure that I would have followed his ass and done something regrettable.

But what strikes me as odd is that when I posted this on Facebook, I got a few comments that people feel like occurences of this type don't happen in their parts of the country. I think that people really need to wake up because racism and prejudice occur all over. Recognize and fight it and the world could be a better place.

Glamour At It's Best

I don't even know what to say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Breakdown

For the last few weeks, I have been in the best of moods. I have been able to smile genuinly. I have taken time to enjoy myself. I have been seeing my friends and letting them know that I love and appreciate them. I have talked to my family. I told all of my issues and problems to go to hell. I wasn't concerning myself with bills, loneliness, self-esteem, control, dating, or anything. I just resolved to be happy and understand that shit happens and you handle it when it happens.

But Saturday, those issues all came out in the form of a breakdown in the parking deck of the Metropolis condo building in Midtown Atlanta. It was about 3:15 am when my crew and I left Bulldogs *my favorite club/bar in Atlanta* and headed to the car. We had enjoyed the club and had a good time socializing and decided to head to KJ's house to cook breakfast and feed our alcohol filled stomachs. We piled into my and KJ's cars still laughing and acting a fool. I put the key in the ignition and it wouldn't crank. All I heard was a distinct clicking soung emanating from under the hood of my car. My first thought was that the battery was dead even though I hadn't left lights or anything on in the car. At 3am, this is just not something that you want to happen.

At first, I was cool. I called 21st Century Insurance Roadside Assistance. The young lady was very helpful and I was impressed that she asked the right questions as to how to find me. She even asked what the clearance to the parking deck was to be sure that the assistance truck would fit. After we got off the phone, I put it down and just sighed. My friends were a little bummed that this was happening as I was, but they were cool. But then, I did something that I never do. I asked out loud "why did this have to happen".

The next thing I remember I was throwing my cell phone and car keys onto the floor of the car and screaming over and over "why did this have to happen". I couldn't control myself and my friends must have thought that I had snapped, which I had. They tried to console me, but I just kept crying and screaming. I honestly wanted to die at that moment. They kept telling my that it was just a car and that it would be fixed. But what they didn't understand is that it wasn't about the car. It was about life in general and it was just time for my frustrations to come out. I hadn't cried since my mother died 6.5 years ago.

I jumped out of the car and just walked away screaming and crying like a damn fool. I kept asking God "why do things never go right for me" and "what did I do to bring this on me". I sat down on the curb and put my head in my hands and just cried. My friends were still talking to me, but I really couldn't hear anything that they were saying. It wasn't until one of them walked me away from the car and told me "we are here for you and we will help you through whatever it is you are going through" that I partially calmed down.

We tried to jumpstart my car using KJ's car, but he has a Mercedes-Benz and we couldn't get to the battery. I almost went back into my fit, but I just had to hold it in. Luckily someone called another friend who lived in the building and he was just getting in from a party. He hooked his car up to mine and mine started right up. I was still a little too distraught to drive, so someone else drove.

I wanted to go to home, but I was persuaded to continue with the original plan of going to cook breakfast. We also decided that we woudl just stay the night at KJ's house instead of any of us being alone. I got my car checked out and it was just a dead battery that only cost me $65 to replace.

I think the reason that I snapped was that it seems like everytime I decide to be happy and enjoy my life, something happens that sets me back. Back in 2004, I got laid off from my job. In 2002, my one true relationship ended after a physical fight. In 2001, my mother died. Years 2006 and 2007 saw me in financial difficulty. At that moment when I turned the key and my car wouldn't start all of the things from the past few years just decided to burst forward and manifest themselves. My worries about life issues: being single, money, self-image, and all the rest just decided that they wouldn't be held in anymore. I screamed, yelled, and cried and was not the least bit ashamed or embarrased about it.

I'm always the one who's calm, cool, and collected. Never panicking. Always there for friends. Handles any situation. Can take control and get things done. But at that moment, I just needed to be vulnerable and have someone take care of me. Thankfully, I had 6 people there who did just that. And I thank God for them.

WTF Was He Thinking!!!!!!!!!

These fuckas have everything in the world and still do the dumbest shit to jeopardize it! I guess weed is that fucking powerful!!!!

Read the latest about Willie Andrews!

I Felt So Weak

So for the 6th weekend in a row, Beatmug and Goofy have come to Atlanta, from Birmingham to party (and next week will make 7). I wasn't planning on going out, but they offered to pay my way in and buy my drinks if I would let them stay with me and go out with them.

We were having a good time talking with people that we knew and having a few drinks. While sipping on my Long Island Iced Tea, I turned around and froze. I didn't want to see him, but he was standing right there 3 feet in front of me. If you don't know who he is, it's VP. My ex from a couple years back. He's the man that inspired this, this, this, this, this, this, this and a few more postings.

I swear, as soon as I looked into his eyes, my heart started racing, my mouth went dry, my hands started sweating, and I downed my drink! Then he smile at me and all of those physiological actions went into overdrive. I had no intentions of doing what I did, but I went over to him to speak. We talked for a minute about a few things and then I walked away. I asked him about the kids, his job, and his mom. He asked me about nothing.

After I walked away, I just felt strange all over. And what made it worse is that he seemed to follow me around the club smiling at me. At one point, he stood right next to me, but wouldn't say anything to me. I found out that it was because the guy that was standing to the left of him was the guy that he was seeing. I imagine that he must have told the dude who I was, because the guy kept staring at me like he wanted me dead. I was ready to kick off the shoes and take of my sweater and whoop some ass in the club. I guess Beatmug must have sensed what was going on because he handed me 151 and coke. After that, I just walked away again.

During my walk to the other side of the club, I felt someone grab by ass and take a squeeze. When I turned around and saw that it was VP, I didn't know what to do. Later on, he asked me for my phone number, but when I didn't see him pull out his phone to record it, I gave him a my old home phone number. I wonder who he called?

So finally we left the club and headed to Waffle House for some breakfast before heading home. The entire time I was eating and driving, I couldn't get my mind off of him.

Why does this man affect me like this?

Why do I still love him?

Why do I have this affinity for him?

Why, after 1.5 years apart can't I get over him if I know that he's no good?

Why doesn't he just grab me and hold me and never let go?

Why doesn't he feel the same way that I do?

All day Sunday, I kept asking myself these questions and replaying our relationship over and over in my head. I put my 'Come Back to Me" Cd in and listened to Whitney sing "Why Does It Hurt So Bad". I listened to Patti sing "Kiss Away the Pain". I listened to Xscape sing "The Arms of the One Who Loves You". I just felt like crying, but as we all know, I am incapable of doing that.

I had been depressed all day thinking about someone who I am sure is not thinking about me. So I turned to the one "person" that I knew could help. So while sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to Vermont, I just prayed to God for the strength to get this man out of my head and heart. Well, as I have witnessed, prayer works when it's sincere. The next day, I didn't even think about him, or Hollywood, or Infiniti, or Dreads, or Chicago.

I realized that although I have strong feelings (maybe even still be love) for these men, I don't have to let my feelings for them consume me. And I thank God for that.

But now I have to take the test of seeing any one of them again and see what happens. God be with me.

Why? 8/16/07

1. Why I am I sooooo happy that football season is upon us? And why do none of my friends like football. I swear that I am the only gay black man that likes the game. Seeing some of the sexiest men on the planet in tights and helmets should be enough for any gay man or any woman to want to watch.


2. Why have I gained 10 more pounds than I intended? It's because I have been eating whatever I want and haven't been to the gym that I am still paying for in 4 months. I now weigh just under 200lbs. Guess where I will be going when I get home tomorrow? Bally's Northlake!!!!!!!!!!!!


3. Why do I keep putting off going back to school? It's because law school is expensive as hell. I was looking at the University of South Carolina law school where tuition is $16800 PER SEMESTER! And it's not just tuition. Most schools don't allow first year students to work any amount of hours. Unless I find a rich husband, I can't afford that. By the time I graduate, I will have probably 120K in student loans! I'll never be able to pay that off and live comfortably. Until I am debt free or debt low, I am just gonna put off school. Or at least until I get rid of the fear of flunking out my first year.


4. Why did it take me so long to realize that in order for a relationship to work, you have to just let go of the small things? When Hollywood does something that annoys me *like pissing with the bathroom door open* I just let it go. Since I have dialed back on the bitchiness, things have been going well. But he IS gonna have to clean up behing himself when he is at my house!


5. Why does money *the lack or scarcity off* seem to be the bain of most peoples' existence? I swear that there never seems to be enough no matter how hard you work. I'm not broke, but I can never seem to have enough. Will I ever be in a position to just spend all willy-nilly and not have to worry about bills? Where is that damn lottery ticket?


6. Why am I reevaluating my goals and aspirations from my New Years initiatives? I have been drinking less. I have been going off on people a little less. I have not found another job because I haven't been actively looking. I have been taking time for myself. I am not spending less. I have not been getting my body together. I have only met one other Atlanta blogger this year. I have been a little happier. I need to get it together.

7. Why do I have is almost every link in my internet favorites to a blog? It's because I enjoy reading them and think that I am addicted. I love reading about other peoples' lives. I might not always comment because I don't have anything to say, but you can bet your life that I'm reading.

8. Why is there a dude who likes me that makes me want to drop Hollywood sometimes? Dude just has that winning personality and an infectious smile that make me smile everytime he winks his eye at me. I would avoid him, but he is a friend of a friend. Whenever I see that friend, dude is always with him. Hollywood better hurry up and commit!!!!!!!!!!

9. Why did I just attend my first White Party on Sunday. It was sponsored by 5friends4life at Club Fever? I was dressed in white from the neck down with a splash of blue in the belt and shoes. I had always thought that color themed parties were stupid, but I really had a good time. The Dj mixed music like he was born to do so and I danced until I was tired and sweaty. I even remarked to one person that "This is what a muthafucking party is like" and she gave me a high 5 right on the dance floor. And I only had 2 drinks *woohoooooo*. I am supposed to attend another one on Pride Weekend. I hope that I have as much fun.

10. Why have I adopted "fcuk that/them..." as my motto for the rest of the year? I'm sick of worrying about shit that I either have no control over or is hard to control. Fcuk them bills! Fckk those haters! Fcuk that job! Fcuk the bullshit! Fcuk it all! Thanks go to Mo'nique for the inspiration

Why? 6/9/07

1. Why am I happy that Paris Hilton's stupid, spoiled, privileged, horny, trifiling ass is back in jail? I'm happy because she already got a slap on the rist for DUI and violating probation when she should have gotten jail time in the first place.


2. Why am I falling in love with Hollywood? I'm falling in love because I can see that he actually cares for me. It's that simple.


3. Why do I believe that Atlanta has some of the dumbest drivers in the country. I believe that because it took me 1.5 hours to get to the airport today. Traffic was backed up from the Grady Curve to the Lenox exit on Hwy 400. I thought that maybe there was an accident or something. Nope, these dumb asses just can't drive. Once I got passed the Grady Curve, I was hitting 90 mph to the airport.


4. Why am I considering suing my ex-roommate? I am considering it because he owes me $338. What is that for? It's for his portion of the gas bill that he hadn't given me any money for in 3 months and also for pro-rated rent that he didn't pay. He was supposed to move out on the 31st of May. I had to stay 7 extra days because I was out of town. He didn't completely move out until the 6th. I had paid $258.99 in pro-rated rent and the water bill. That fucka owes me half of that, plus money for the gas bill. I hadn't even thought about suing him, but he got an attitude when I asked him about my money. What's Judge Judys' number?


5. Why is it that when you start seeing someone you really like, other dudes seem to flirt with you more often and they just seem to be more attractive? It's because you are seeing what else is out there besides what you have? There is always greener grass on the other side of the fence. But thankfully, my grass is green enough for me.


6. Why did I have to stop myself from cursing out a ticket agent at the airport. She charged me $100 for what she said was an oversized bag. I have had this bag for a year and use it for 3 out 5 of my trips and have never been charged for this bag. I started to curse her out for being so damn rude, but I just paid the charge and left the desk. I am calling the airline in the morning and contesting the charge. If they don't reverse it, I will call American Express and dispute it.


7. Why am I just buying a pair of "expensive jeans"? I don't know why. Last Saturday I needed something to wear to a party and something led me into Bloomingdales *where I have never shopped* and I saw the most spectacular pair of Buffalo jeans. *I wanted some True Religion, but everyone has them* And then I tried them on. And then I looked at the $118 price tag. And then I gasped. And then I said "fuck it" and bought them. Then I wore them to the party. Then I got compliments on how they fit. Then I decided that I will get another pair when I get back to Atlanta.

8. Why do people ask dumb ass questions? Because they are stupid. A lady in the airport asked a gate agent the following question: "Since California is 3 hours behind us, do we go back in time when we fly there"? It was so funny, I laughed out loud and a few others joined in.

9. Why do I think that I CAN live without cable and internet? Because I can. I have not had cable for the last 2 weeks and have been just fine without it. And when I moved to my new apartment, I was able to pick up a wireless signal from someone. As long as I can get the milk for free, why buy the cow? Let's see, that saves me about $120 a month.

10. Why am I so excited to live alone again? I am excited because I can do whatever the hell I want to when I want to and how I want to and not worry how it will affect a roommate. I can buy food and it will be there when I get home. I know that the bills will be paid because I pay them. I can walk around the house butt-ass naked if I want to. I can scream as loud as my lungs will allow during sex. I can leave my bedroom door open while I sleep. I can do it all because I live by myself.

Better Left Unsaid

In the past I use to say whatever was on my mind no matter if it made someone upset, pissed them off, or offended them. I honestly didn't care. I felt like letting people know how I felt about things was the most important thing. But as I have gotten older, I have learned that some things are just better left unsaid. In other words, I shut the fuck up when my mind says "shut the fuck up."

I wrote this post because a blogger (this one) left a comment on my post about my Current Interest. It reads as follows.

"And, what's so diffrent about this one? Something tell (sic) me in a few weeks we will be reading why this one did not work out..look from within.."

Now when I first read it, I just brushed it off. But then I left a comment my damn self because I kept asking myself, "was that comment really necessary"? I read all of the other comments and they mostly were of the encouraging type. I'm cool with those. But this particular comment just smelled of negativity. I just couldn't understand why he left it until I read his blog. So I left a comment of my own.

"This one is different because he is taking a very active role in getting to know me. He is paying attention to my actions and reactions and learning from them. And I am doing the same with him.

And if in a few weeks, you are hearing that it didn't work out, then oh well. I just didn't work out."

I know that I have dated many guys trying to find one with whom I am compatible, so I know my track record. I date to find what I want and don't want in a dude. If I am dating someone and I see that it isn't working out, I stop dating him. It's a simple as that. And in my almost 2 years of blogging, I have posted about my experiences with most of them. But this is the first comment of this type that I have gotten. Believe me when I say that it took me for a loop.

Now granted, he wasn't obliged to leave an encouraging message, but damn, did he have to imply that I am not capable of dating someone longer than a few weeks and the "problem" is me. Maybe I am not capable of dating long term and the problem is me, but like I said, some things are just better left unsaid. I make it a point not to leave negative or discouraging comments on others' blogs. Why rain on someone's parade?

I say all this to point to an old adage that says "If you don't have something good to say, don't say anything at all".

Why?

1. Why is masculinity in men so attractive? It just stirs my soul to see a masculine man in his daily interactions. Not that I have anything against feminine or non-masculine men (so don't even try it with any contrary comment). I have dated and will probably date feminine dudes. But I know that I want my long term partner to be a normally masculine man.

2. Why do I think that I will have an offer from a job that I interviewed for? But more importantly, why am I gonna make them wait for my answer if they offer it. *because I have another job interview on Friday for a position that requires no travel*

3. Why did I get a call from my apartment complex concerning neighbors complaining about his dog? I told the lady that it wasn't my concern because it wasn't my dog. He will have to pay a $500.00 penalty because pitbulls are not allowed. *even though just about everyone in the complex has one*. The only downside is that they may terminate our lease. I don't need any bad marks on my credit report, but it would be good to get out of this lease.

4. Why have I started dressing in casual slacks and sweaters or button downs lately? I have found that I feel more upbeat than when I do the jeans and Timbs.

5. Why am I thinking that I finally want to buy a condo or townhome? Although I know that it still be at least a year and a half away before I actually decide to buy one.

6. Why is "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce the dumbest song of the year? What kind of dude are you dating that you can put all of his ish in one box? And if your other dudel will be there in a minute, doesn't that mean that you were also cheating? The only part of the song that I like is the part where she sings "so since i'm not your everything, how about i'll be nothing".

7. Why the hell is my mobile phone making this loud clicking noise everytime I close it? And why did it shut off for no reason today? Why do I not want to have to buy a new phone?

8. Why am I already looking at apartments in case out lease is terminated?

9. Why is the newest guy that I met also broke like all the rest that I have been meeting? But instead of not dating him, I am gonna see what transpires between us. At least he is taking care of himself and not dependent upon no one elst.

10. Why do I finally know that I am through with VP? No matter what he says or does, there is no way that I would every even entertain the thought of being with him again. Thanks Mashaun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!