Sunday, March 02, 2008

My Breakdown

For the last few weeks, I have been in the best of moods. I have been able to smile genuinly. I have taken time to enjoy myself. I have been seeing my friends and letting them know that I love and appreciate them. I have talked to my family. I told all of my issues and problems to go to hell. I wasn't concerning myself with bills, loneliness, self-esteem, control, dating, or anything. I just resolved to be happy and understand that shit happens and you handle it when it happens.

But Saturday, those issues all came out in the form of a breakdown in the parking deck of the Metropolis condo building in Midtown Atlanta. It was about 3:15 am when my crew and I left Bulldogs *my favorite club/bar in Atlanta* and headed to the car. We had enjoyed the club and had a good time socializing and decided to head to KJ's house to cook breakfast and feed our alcohol filled stomachs. We piled into my and KJ's cars still laughing and acting a fool. I put the key in the ignition and it wouldn't crank. All I heard was a distinct clicking soung emanating from under the hood of my car. My first thought was that the battery was dead even though I hadn't left lights or anything on in the car. At 3am, this is just not something that you want to happen.

At first, I was cool. I called 21st Century Insurance Roadside Assistance. The young lady was very helpful and I was impressed that she asked the right questions as to how to find me. She even asked what the clearance to the parking deck was to be sure that the assistance truck would fit. After we got off the phone, I put it down and just sighed. My friends were a little bummed that this was happening as I was, but they were cool. But then, I did something that I never do. I asked out loud "why did this have to happen".

The next thing I remember I was throwing my cell phone and car keys onto the floor of the car and screaming over and over "why did this have to happen". I couldn't control myself and my friends must have thought that I had snapped, which I had. They tried to console me, but I just kept crying and screaming. I honestly wanted to die at that moment. They kept telling my that it was just a car and that it would be fixed. But what they didn't understand is that it wasn't about the car. It was about life in general and it was just time for my frustrations to come out. I hadn't cried since my mother died 6.5 years ago.

I jumped out of the car and just walked away screaming and crying like a damn fool. I kept asking God "why do things never go right for me" and "what did I do to bring this on me". I sat down on the curb and put my head in my hands and just cried. My friends were still talking to me, but I really couldn't hear anything that they were saying. It wasn't until one of them walked me away from the car and told me "we are here for you and we will help you through whatever it is you are going through" that I partially calmed down.

We tried to jumpstart my car using KJ's car, but he has a Mercedes-Benz and we couldn't get to the battery. I almost went back into my fit, but I just had to hold it in. Luckily someone called another friend who lived in the building and he was just getting in from a party. He hooked his car up to mine and mine started right up. I was still a little too distraught to drive, so someone else drove.

I wanted to go to home, but I was persuaded to continue with the original plan of going to cook breakfast. We also decided that we woudl just stay the night at KJ's house instead of any of us being alone. I got my car checked out and it was just a dead battery that only cost me $65 to replace.

I think the reason that I snapped was that it seems like everytime I decide to be happy and enjoy my life, something happens that sets me back. Back in 2004, I got laid off from my job. In 2002, my one true relationship ended after a physical fight. In 2001, my mother died. Years 2006 and 2007 saw me in financial difficulty. At that moment when I turned the key and my car wouldn't start all of the things from the past few years just decided to burst forward and manifest themselves. My worries about life issues: being single, money, self-image, and all the rest just decided that they wouldn't be held in anymore. I screamed, yelled, and cried and was not the least bit ashamed or embarrased about it.

I'm always the one who's calm, cool, and collected. Never panicking. Always there for friends. Handles any situation. Can take control and get things done. But at that moment, I just needed to be vulnerable and have someone take care of me. Thankfully, I had 6 people there who did just that. And I thank God for them.

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19 Comments:

Blogger The Captain said...

Many times we all need scream and cry to release the agony and pain we suffer. Men just don't do it enough. All I know is that endurance and patience is a gift designed by God.

12:10 AM, March 03, 2008  
Blogger Curious said...

It's always good to get some shit out of you or you'll explode. Yeah thank god for friends. At least they were there for you at the time you needed them.

But you need to figure out what is or was the issue that got to that point so that another flare up doesn't occur with the wrong people or at the wrong place.

1:03 AM, March 03, 2008  
Blogger Thaddeus L. Works. said...

I do understand. It was like a pot with a lid on boiling at a 100 degrees...pressure builds up then soom it will steam...That is a defense programmed in all of us. Some of us do not recognize it and loose our mind...We have not learn how to let off steam...That was health for you and thank God your friends was there for support.

7:40 AM, March 03, 2008  
Anonymous kennyking78 said...

That's the way of the universe isn't it? Just as soon as we get some things going something explodes in our faces.

Understand this, you are only the sum of your past setbacks if you choose to let those setbacks be benchmarks.

Your friends were there for a reason. Dead Battery- $65. Good friends to talk you off a ledge- PRICELESS!

7:55 AM, March 03, 2008  
Blogger E said...

I totally feel you on what you went through. Every once in a while we need to release our frustrations out. I'm glad you weren't alone when the dam fnially broke.

8:57 AM, March 03, 2008  
Blogger Darius T. Williams said...

These things are bound to happen - but you can NEVER let your issues get the best of you. All you have to do is believe. And if you hold on to that belief I promise you it will get you through the roughest of times.

9:03 AM, March 03, 2008  
Blogger D.LavarJames said...

Man, there have been many instances where I felt that I have snapped, and just cried for no apparent reason.

Sometimes it's just our bodies way of finally releasing what we have bottled up. Although we may say that we have let things go, there is always some residual effects that we don't know are there until they boil over, and it usually is when something small compared to everything else happens.

Hope everything will start getting bright.

D

9:43 AM, March 03, 2008  
Blogger Cocoa Rican said...

I'm so glad you came clean with this one...cuz of late, I could certainly do the same...last night I stood in front of my bathroom medicine cabinet mirror and talked to myself as I watched the tears stream down my face...it's the right thing to do... thanks for being THE MAN who could verbalize it for the rest of us hard-shelled pussies! LOL
Hope to see you next month...

11:38 AM, March 03, 2008  
Blogger RocaFella07 said...

I totally understand where your coming from. I'm one of those people who's great at holding things in and not getting emotional.

And, I've moments where I just boil-over and have a mental "freak out", and start hitting things or myself (for being so stupid).

Luckily, you have people in your life that you can "lean" on.

;-)

6:44 PM, March 03, 2008  
Blogger Kensilo said...

I am glad that you were not alone in your time of dispair. Life can get tough sometimes and we all have to hang in there and get through it. Continue to strive though tough times and I will keep you in my prayers.
Giving you ha "Blogger HUGZ"

Take care.

7:55 PM, March 03, 2008  
Blogger Chet said...

My Brotha you have got to stop holding things in for so long, yes pressure brust pipes! It certainly seems as if you had bulit up quite a bit of pressure.

I too can relate to having everything seemingly right and all of a sudden the damn breaks, shit just starts to fall apart and creating all kinda havoc in life.

Praise the Heavens above that a power greater than self was watching over you. You are truly blessed to have had your friends there during your breakdown,who knows what may have transpired hadn't anyone been there beside you.

I know that you will be just fine now that you have gotten those things off your chest. Hey man you do not have to be lonely or depressed you have so much going for you and the support of good friends. If you ever need to talk I would be happy to send you my digits. Be strong and take good care of yourself.

9:07 PM, March 03, 2008  
Blogger antneya said...

It dont even take that much for me to snap...but I understand what your saying...glad it was JUST the battery..you know I heard Mashaun be putting sugar in peoples gas tanks...lmao...love you Mashaun...lol

9:37 AM, March 04, 2008  
Blogger Chet said...

I was thinking about your situation and being that you are going to be a year older soon, maybe the reality of turning thirty. Either way we are all wishing you well.

1:24 PM, March 04, 2008  
Blogger Mr. Jones said...

You're right. Everything happens for a reason and things will work themselves out just fine. Everyone needs to woo-sah sometimes. Nothing wrong with that.

4:18 PM, March 04, 2008  
Blogger Mr. Jones said...

Happy Birthday, btw.

4:19 PM, March 04, 2008  
Blogger Miss Bentley said...

I know exactly how you felt! I've been in a similar situation where life is great and the smallest thing feels like a major setback! I just look at it as if God is reminding me not to take the blessings in my life for granted!

6:01 PM, March 08, 2008  
Blogger I am J said...

Happy Belated Birthday suga!

And here are a few sista girl hugs just cause.

I know how you feel and there are times when I go there as well.

Now put ya supaman cape back on and lets ride :-)

5:58 AM, March 10, 2008  
Blogger C. Baptiste-Williams said...

my word... bulldogs is your favorite.... gosh... wow... lawd

ok yeah i read the rest but im late so i decided not to comment on that.

bulldogs wow

2:42 PM, March 10, 2008  
Blogger yet another black guy said...

man i'm sorry to hear that happened, but am so glad you had some special friends in your life to help carry your burden. please believe you don't and shouldn't go it alone in any tough time.

the silver lining is that you're still here. you've taken some lumps but you're still here making it happen. and for that you have my admiration and respect. and ain't a damn thing wrong with letting your pain out!

12:21 AM, March 12, 2008  

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