Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Exceptions can be made if...

Like many many many Black and Gay men, I spend a lot of time on online "dating" websites. I've met a few ok guys and a whole lot of not ok guys. Earlier today I ran across a dude's ad that caught my eye. The dude in the picture was sexy as hell and I clicked on it to read his profile text. It said:

u need to have: a car/house, a job, education, all of your teeth, be well groomed, nice body ( u must work out), at least 5"10 and 175lbs or more, disease free, and good hygiene, 33yrs or younger (exceptions will be made based on person)dislikes: brotha's that smoke, bad hygiene, ungroomed cats, unproportionate body types.

I got to thinking about how I select the people that I date. When I thought about the "criteria" that a man must have, I couldn't think of many. For me, he must be:

Black (Or biracial with one black parent)

Male

Near my age

Have a means of transportation

Have a job or means to sustain himself

I must be attracted to him

I think that people have these preferences so that they don't have to deal with things that they don't like.

I want a Black man because I believe that we can relate to each other's culture. I have considered dating guys of another race, but I don't want someone that wants me just because I am Black. I also don't want racial differences to arise (and they will).

I want him to have transportation because I don't want to have to pick him up each time we go somewhere. I tried dating a dude with no car and it got frustrating as hell having to go see him everytime we wanted to see each other. Everytime we went out, I was having to drive all over town. I want a brotha to come pick me up sometimes.

I want him to have a job or means of supporting himself because I am not supporting anyone. I will not pay for everything when i'm with someone. I've tried this also, but when dude asked me to pay a bill, I was out of there.

I want to be attracted to the man because... Well do I even have to explain this? I don't think that many people want someone whom they aren't attracted to. Do you?

But what about the brotha that you meet that has all but one of your "requirements"? Would you still date him? That's why I highlighted the part in red up above. I think that we can all accept a brotha that doesn't have all that we want.

It's my belief that you are never going to get a person that has EVERYTHING that you want. You might meet a man that's financially well off, but he may have the personality of an overused knife (dull). You may meet a man that has 10 cars, but he is unattractive. You may meet a man that's sexy as hell, financially stable, owns his own home, has beautiful teeth, and has no looming baggage, but something is going to not be to your liking. SOMETHING!!!!

In the brotha's ad above, do you think that he would reject a brotha who met all of those needs except the fact that he was 5'9" tall or 34 year of age? I highly doubt it.

I guess it's ok to want certain things in a person, but when you expect perfection, you are setting yourself up for failure. If you meet that person that just makes you smile, enjoy the reasons that he makes you smile and don't sweat the small stuff.

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15 Comments:

Blogger Darius T. Williams said...

This is fair...I did a similar list on 7.6.2008 - so I understand how you feel!

1:13 PM, August 13, 2008  
Blogger Cocoa Rican said...

I don't think I have a list, so much as a feel for the man I want. There's a way I like to feel about the man I'm with. We have to connect mentally - he has to get the jokes, be aware of the reference points, etc. - and obviously be self-sufficient. It's always a mistake to not choose someone you're attracted to, since if it's not an issue now, it will be in the long run. Ultimately, we all make compromises. The question is how big the sacrifice and how much it compromises who we are.

2:25 PM, August 13, 2008  
Anonymous idlg said...

i am so tired of 'picky' niggers, yeah i said it..dudes that want more out of a possible date/mate than they themselves have to offer any how; plus, for christ sake, some of us no matter how well intended do no have equal access to the same 'things', give a blood a break and at least meet him face to face; in my profile on A4A all i say is 'mean what you say, say what you mean' cause i figure the rest is all relative, esp. if he is not lying about his profile..I thought black women where 'picky' about men but i think us fags are far worse then we all wonder why we cann't meet mr. 'interesting'; cause he doesn't drive and has a low paying job..that's why..'
niggers, i am so tired of our collective self hate..

10:49 PM, August 13, 2008  
Blogger That Dude Right There said...

@Darius-You list was on point. But do you think that you'll get everything that you listed in one person.

@Cocoa-I'm understand that feeling. If you have chemistry with a brotha, you can forget the negatives.

@idlg-I'm glad i'm not a nigger or a fag. I never ask for anything out of someone that I don't already give.

11:13 PM, August 13, 2008  
Blogger life said...

It takes a mature person to get over this ideal person we've created in our head. Right now, if I get 70% of my desires it's worth testing out.

10:51 AM, August 14, 2008  
Blogger K.C. said...

I like that mentality and I'm sorta doing that lately. Discard the lists and just enjoy the person, the being.

12:13 PM, August 14, 2008  
Blogger B Free said...

BOOOYYYYYYY i can relate to this one. Whats so interesting is that i relate in some but i must disagree with other points. We all have a list admit it or not we do. SOme may call it lists while others call it preferences. Age range, height, weight, body type, skin color, braids/dreads/fade, hood, country, preppy. We all do.

What do you do when you find the 80% in one guy? Definitely entertain it. Its better to try and fail than fail to try.

I must say though, dont knock other race/cultures out until youve tried. I dated a White dude for a lil less than a year. I must say he was a cultured White boy. He knew the hottest new hip hop song comin out but he would still rock his Abercrombie look with his Holy Jeans and flip flops. He fit the bill for me though.

I guess in the end the key is to leave your options open and just experience life. The root to the word life is to live and thats what we must do gay, straight or bi.

Great Post!

2:54 PM, August 15, 2008  
Blogger Mr. Jones said...

I have a list and most of these things are on it. I can't see much that's unfair about this.

5:12 PM, August 15, 2008  
Blogger C. Baptiste-Williams said...

there is nothing wrong with preferences.

having preferences can prevent annoyances... like me i prefer for the person to drive or be quite comfortable with metro, i dont like to drive and im not a taxi so i be damn if i am always driving or picking up.

as for other physical attributes you know what you are attracted to so nothing wrong with knowing that.

back in 2006 (damn i been at it awhile) i did a post called the list that ruffled a few feathers but it is pretty accurate for me.

http://hisstory1.blogspot.com/2006/06/list.html

6:47 PM, August 15, 2008  
Blogger Chet said...

I have always strayed away from list because we all have flaws of some sort and there is no way will we meet the criteria of the perfect mate.

I agree a brotha has gotta be working or attending school with at least work study student. Doesn't matter if he drives (most do), I would kindly provide a Metro Pass because I do not enjoy driving as much especially during winter, but I will pick a brotha up if I really want to see him.

I do like tall, dark, big feet, big hands, bald or dreads, but most of all I don't get into looks that often it is the personality that wins me over and the brotha has gotta find something in me that he likes otherwise it is just another game of Fulfill the Need or Was that all it Was?

7:14 PM, August 16, 2008  
Blogger E said...

You definitely need a list in order to get a general idea of what you want. And yeah, you'll never find someone that's perfectly fit so anyone that meets a good majority of the more important criteria definitely gets a second holla.

12:57 AM, August 20, 2008  
Blogger Gary T. P. said...

I also agree that we all have preferences, hell, we like what we like. The only thing is most times none of these preferences include or exclude many other things that can become a deeper issue. Things like emotional/ mental stability, decorum, health,consistency,time...etc..etc.

11:50 AM, August 20, 2008  
Blogger yet another black guy said...

You're so on point with this one!

and as for IDLG: don't front. just because you don't have a physical list written down somewhere doesn't mean you don't have one in your mind. and expecting an adult to take of himself is not an unreasonable thing to ask. it's called taking care of business, homie.

3:42 PM, August 22, 2008  
Blogger Tsagrednerp said...

What I love is that the more you think about it is the longer the list grows. I love that the single sentences become paragraphs. Why does it always have to be hard?

2:40 PM, August 25, 2008  
Anonymous Jen said...

My bar is set very low

He must be taller than me
He must have shorter hair than me
He must weigh more than me

later I added that

He must spend less time in front of a mirror than me.

That's about it and I have two divorces to prove it. A few more wouldn't hurt to weed out some of the losers.

Teeth is of course a given.

6:15 PM, August 28, 2008  

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