Relationship...
What does a romantic relationship mean to you? Does it mean that you are dating someone, seeing someone or what? I don't get how people are so quick to slap that label on a situation with someone and don't know what the hell it is to them or discuss what it means to both parties. In my observations, i've seen people date for 3 weeks and suddenly they are in a "relationship"
Example: An associate of mine was a given a surprise birthday party by his boyfriend. During his thank you speech, he said: "And I want to tell my boyfriend who I have been in a relationship with for 4 months, that these have been the best 4 months of my life." Everyone was "awwwww" this and "awwwww" that while I sat there thinking "child please". When he said the "R" word, the boyfriend cocked an eyebrow and looked at him. A month later the boyfriend got a promotion and was being told that he was being transfered to another city. The associate immediately started dating other people and easing out of the "relationship". Now in my mind, if this was a relationship, he would have considered ways to keep it going or even thought about moving himself.
I am sure that everyone has their definition or interpretation, but when I am in a relationship with someone, it's not because of anything superficial, such as money, looks, or sex or just because I like someone. It's because I have taken my time to examine the situation and deemed this person someone who I can commit my life to. So I don't take that label lightly in the least bit.
I just can't rush into relationships with the dudes I date. I have figured out that what I want in my life is someone to spend it with. I justdon't think that I can determine that in a few weeks or even a few months. I need time to assess the situation. I'm not saying that it will take years to make that determination, because a relationship CAN form in a short period of time. But a brotha like me just likes to get a full understanding of a person. I want to know that I can trust this person without reservation. I want to know that I can fully communicate with this person. I want to know that this person is as committed to me as I am to him. I just want to be sure before I take that plunge into what I call a relationship.
And honestly, once I get into a relationship I don't really concern myself with how long it last. What I concern myself with is making the best of what I have at the moment and building it so that it makes me and my partner happy. I feel that as long as we are happy, it will last. If one of us decides to end the relationship, then so be it. But if I have been given any amount of happiness, then it was worth it.
Am I the only one that thinks this way? I feel that I am.
Is my interpretation of a relationship too serious? I don't know.
Example: An associate of mine was a given a surprise birthday party by his boyfriend. During his thank you speech, he said: "And I want to tell my boyfriend who I have been in a relationship with for 4 months, that these have been the best 4 months of my life." Everyone was "awwwww" this and "awwwww" that while I sat there thinking "child please". When he said the "R" word, the boyfriend cocked an eyebrow and looked at him. A month later the boyfriend got a promotion and was being told that he was being transfered to another city. The associate immediately started dating other people and easing out of the "relationship". Now in my mind, if this was a relationship, he would have considered ways to keep it going or even thought about moving himself.
I am sure that everyone has their definition or interpretation, but when I am in a relationship with someone, it's not because of anything superficial, such as money, looks, or sex or just because I like someone. It's because I have taken my time to examine the situation and deemed this person someone who I can commit my life to. So I don't take that label lightly in the least bit.
I just can't rush into relationships with the dudes I date. I have figured out that what I want in my life is someone to spend it with. I justdon't think that I can determine that in a few weeks or even a few months. I need time to assess the situation. I'm not saying that it will take years to make that determination, because a relationship CAN form in a short period of time. But a brotha like me just likes to get a full understanding of a person. I want to know that I can trust this person without reservation. I want to know that I can fully communicate with this person. I want to know that this person is as committed to me as I am to him. I just want to be sure before I take that plunge into what I call a relationship.
And honestly, once I get into a relationship I don't really concern myself with how long it last. What I concern myself with is making the best of what I have at the moment and building it so that it makes me and my partner happy. I feel that as long as we are happy, it will last. If one of us decides to end the relationship, then so be it. But if I have been given any amount of happiness, then it was worth it.
Am I the only one that thinks this way? I feel that I am.
Is my interpretation of a relationship too serious? I don't know.
Labels: Dating, Relationships
posted by That Dude Right There at
8/04/2008 12:58:00 AM
16 Comments:
Nope not at all. I feel you have to talk first, date next, and then have a relationship.
A relationship to me is when you take yourself off the market because you only have eyes for them. You are willing to sacrifice to be with them. Too many people confuse monogamous f-ing with being committed in a relationship. But I don't believe time is a factor because you can be in a relationship after two months of dating.
Well, I think relationship is such a broad word. I mean it has so many sub categories. There is long term or short term relationships...monogamous or open relationships...close or distance ones...romantic or just sexual...by marriage or by blood relationships. The fact is we all have a relationship with everyone in our lives. It all depends on the people involved and how they classify it, but we all have them in one form or fashion. It to me really depends on the people involved.
For example I have a relationship with my mother...we have blood ties and she gave birth to me, I'm her son, that's our relationship.
I have a relationship with my barber. Our relationship is I pay him to cut my hair, that's how we relate and are associated by.
By definition, it truly has several different meanings. From just mere association, to by law marriage, to a blood link between persons, so just a sexual involvement with another person.
So if he wanted to call it a relationship, to each is own. You just said that when you get involve with someone it's not about how long it will last, but about you and the person you are with being happy. I guess your friend or associate has moved on because the happiness has ended, he didn't worry about the time of the relationship, but his and the others happiness.
Now personally I don't have a problem, with a person using the word relationship to quickly, I have a problem, with people so quickly using the love word. I would have more of a problem, if he got up and thanked the love of his life of 4 months, rather than what he said.
I wouldn't be so quick to use the word relationship, but maybe that's because I haven't been in a long term, monogamous relationship...you see that's my sub relationship category.
@BPS-"Too many people confuse monogamous f-ing with being committed in a relationship." Amen to that. That's exactly my point. Thanks for the comment.
@YB&DL-While your comment is highly insightful and I agree with you on some things, I was speaking of romantic relationships only, not platonic relationships. I'm sure that you don't tell people that you are in a relationship with your Mom or Barber. But I do agree that relationships have subcategories. I just wish people would learn to discuss what a relationship means to them with their "partner" before assuming that what they have is a relationship.
this is funny i just had this conversation last week when this lil 21yo told me he had been in 5 relationships.
i was like damn you got me beat by far and im (less than 10years) older than you....
Very insightful blog, I assumed that you were speaking of a romantic relationship as well. The problem is that the word itself is left up to so many different interpertations. And gay men tend to define it according to what best suits them or looks good to those lookin in from the outside. Not the generalize of course, but their seems to be an ongoing trend of this ish going on. Especially in tha ATL. It takes a minute to really develop a true relationship, something most gay men don't seem to have.
LOL.. child, please...
You are right. A relationship takes time to cultivate. Many do rush into the labels of saying they are committed, but to each his or her own. I believe in a long courtship and allowing the relationship to happen in its own time, but claiming the man you want is the first step to committment...
In my world, any "personal" consistent interaction with someone is a relationship. There are levels to relationships though. There are work relationships, casual relationships, serious relationships, dysfunctional relationships and so on.
Its a relationship when the two people agree to engage whether serious or not. To me anyway ::shrugs::
Relationship... Let me think on this for a moment. Okay I am one of those people that want instant gradification I have dated foolishly and just assumed I was in a relationship simply because we were dating. I admit to many men in the life tend to do that even after very short periods of dating or what have you.
My interpretation of: relationship is that of a loving couple whom have committed themselves to each other forming such a relationship, this generally takes a considerable amount of time, but as of present men in the life tend to rush into to thinking on the terms of relationship just because we are sleeping with someone on a regular basis... I am oh so guilty of this or at least I have been.
I believe your observation proves best about relationships.
Discussion is definetely needed when dating someone on what the mutual definition of a relationship. What I have found is that people don't know how to even have these conversations. So I think that this is why most people feel they are in a relationship when they feel it individually. Unfortunately, they don't take into account what the other person is feeling.
Even when having the conversation sometimes one party does not tell the truth for reason I have not been able to decipher yet. So even if you wait awhile and then feel like you're in a relationshp the other person could be lying or just not wanting to hurt one's feelings.
Conversation and behaviors to me are what helps in defining whether your in a relationship or not. You just have to pay attention to the other person and note if you are getting what you want out of dating phase.
Real relationships take time to cultivate and anchor. Folks have tossed the word around carelessly only to find they were simply dating and didn't know the person they called their "lover". BD and I dated for three years before we actually called it a relationship and admitted to being in love and exclusive. Does it happen faster than that - of course. The REAL relationships I've had in my life have last years - over 5 - and I never thought of calling any of the guys I've dated partners or lovers. My personal belief is that folks want something so bad - ie. a relationship - that they quickly try to pick apples off a tree that doesn't have roots and still has twigs for branches. Take your time.
Damn Cocoa! And with that comment, there's clearly nothing to say! If I were younger I would feel that from this blog and it's comments, I would've felt like I've been thoroughly read! LoL. But since I'm (slightly wiser), I'd say that I whole heartedly agree with ya'll and fa sho, take ya time. It's not a race.
~Damnit!
There's no right answer to that question. It depends on the person.
I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum than you and many of your readers. I tend to know very early on if the person is right for me.
I dated my first partner 3 weeks and then moved in with him. My friends went nuts. The relationship lasted 18 years and ended only because he passed away.
When I started dating my present partner I knew after one month that he was the one for me. However he wasn't so sure about it. I was going to fast for him. So I tried to be as patient as possible, and after 6 months he moved in. We've been together 2 years so far. I am so happy with him. Hopefully he'll be my partner till time runs out.
*looking up a conjure in a ole hex book of mine to get you-know-who to snap out of it before the summer zooms on by**
Note to self: Pass on all men named CC -or was it Cecil..
I don't think that your interpretation of a relationship is too serious at all. That is what it means to you. As long as you express that to someone that you are dating, then there is nothing wrong with it in my eyes.
I personally think that relationship means that you two have clicked romantically (if even just an interest) and you want to get to know each other better. But that's just me.
I agree with you in that is how it should be. Meaning that you should take some time and it should require some thought. I think the problem with that is that many people are like me (sadly) and they fall in love with the idea of being in a relationship and having someone there. In that haste, sometimes, they forget to really take a deep breath and see what is really there.
It always seemed to me that people equated physical relations with a relationship when that clearly is not the case. I'd say a real relationship is one where you feel free to say more than what somwbody wants to hear to get what you want and that you care for them.
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