LIfe as of 10/29/07

Here are some updates on my life as of now.

1. It's officially been said in words that Hollywood and I are 100% completely over. I have been living this last month with those "maybe we can try again" and "maybe he still wants me" feelings. I asked him earlier tonight if we were completely over and he said "I guess so". I couldn't get a straight answer out of him for anything, so I translated the "i guess so" into a "I want you to ask me to try again." My self esteem is not low enought to be running after a man, so yeah, this situation is dropped. I don't want to be cool. I don't want t be friends. I just want the situation to go away.

2. I got my damn raise. A whole fucking 3 percent raise. But guess what happened? My fucking social security taxes went up by 3 percent also. I can't win for losing.

3. I went on a date Saturday. Dude (i'll wait before he gets a nickname) picked me up, we went to lunch, a walk in the park, and he dropped me off at home where he got a peck on the lips. The only problem is that he had 3 phone conversations while we were together and I think that he is already in heavy like. That's kinda a turn off, but i will see what happens. I hate to have to tell a brotha to slow down.

4. I'm gonna register to take the GMAT. I just need to set the appointment to take it and pay the money. I don't want to fork over a couple of hundred dollars, but this is the first step to getting in to graduate school for the MBA that I want.

5. It's damn near midnight, so that's all that I can think of. That and the fact that nothing has really been happening in my life.

Question and Answer

How are love and sex connected?

Because everytime I start to love someone, I get screwed!

It's All My Doing

Imagine that you are feeling bad about the state of your life. Now imagine realizing that all of your misfortune is a result of your doing. That's what's on my mind right now.

I just can't be happy about my life. But I feel even worse when I realize that everything that has led me to where I am, has been my doing.

I just can't win. I can't even get ahead.

I'm sick of feeling this way, but I swear that I just can't get off the ground.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

DreamGuhls!

This is just a hot ass mess!

I Think I'm Going To Wait

Since I broke up with Hollywood less than a month ago, I have been itching to start dating again. I have even been on those imfamous websites that enable dudes to meet online before meeting in person. I have been letting friends know that I want to date someone. I have even been flirting with dudes more openly than normal.

But today something crossed my mind. I'm not over Hollywood. I'm not even close to being over him. I'm at that stage where I still think that we can get back together and make things work. I was thinking today that I still want to have sex with him (it was pretty good). But I know that can't happen because of how I feel.

I hear a lot of brotha (and sistahs) mention that they don't want to date someone with "baggage"?. But how in the hell do you let go of it? We all have it. When I have had a bad breakup, it's been easy. But Hollywood and I had a somewhat amicable breakup that didn't involve anything negative. We both agreed that it wasn't working out and that we shoudl split.

And after the breakup, I was ready to date again. But was/am I really ready? Should I start dating and let people know that I am in the process of getting over a relationship? Should I date and not tell potentials that I recently broke up with someone? Should I not date?

I recently met a dude online that seems to have all of the ideals of the kind of person that I want to date. Since I have been traveling, I haven't met him in person, but we have been talking on the phone just about every day. I was thinking that maybe I should try to give it a chance. But when my phone beeped today and I saw "HOLLYWOOD" and "TEXT MESSAGE" on the screen, it hit me that maybe I shouldn't be trying to get back in the game.

I don't want anyone to be a rebound as I wouldn't want to be one either. So right now, I think that I am gonna try to take a break from the brothas. It probably won't last long before I'm blogging about the newest guy that i'm dating.

WTF Was He Thinking?????

Associated Press
Updated: 9:59 p.m. ET Oct 13, 2007

ATLANTA - Grammy-winning rapper T.I. was arrested Saturday — just hours before he was to take the stage at the BET Hip-Hop Awards — in a shopping center parking lot where federal officials said he planned to pick up machine guns and silencers he had his bodyguard buy for him.

The arrest resulted from an investigation that began this month when a federal firearms dealer contacted the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives about a man inquiring about buying a machine gun without registering the weapon as required, according to a criminal complaint filed Saturday in U.S. District Court in Atlanta.

T.I., born Clifford Harris, is charged with possession of unregistered machine guns and silencers, as well as possession of firearms by a convicted felon. Harris is in federal custody, said U.S. attorney’s office spokesman Patrick Crosby, who would not disclose his location.

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After trying to buy several machine guns from an undercover ATF agent, the unnamed person began cooperating with the government and said he was buying the machine guns and silencers for Harris, the complaint said. According to the bodyguard, he had bought about nine firearms for Harris, and the rapper had given him cash to buy guns four different times, it said.

Rapper has criminal history
Harris brokered the deals through the bodyguard because he is a convicted felon, the complaint alleged. It is against federal law for a convicted felon to have another person get firearms on their behalf.

The 27-year-old rapper arranged to meet with the bodyguard Saturday to exchange cash for weapons, the complaint said. After the rapper’s arrest in the parking lot Saturday afternoon, agents found three firearms in the vehicle he was driving, including a loaded firearm between the driver’s seat and center console, according to the complaint.

Sydney Margetson, a spokesman for T.I.’s label, Atlantic Records, declined to comment Saturday afternoon before the charges were reported.

Home searched
As the Hip-Hop Awards were being taped in Atlanta on Saturday night, federal authorities were still searching T.I.’s home in East Point, about 15 miles southwest of the city.

Agents found six guns in a closet, including three allegedly bought by the bodyguard for the rapper last month, according to the complaint. Five were loaded, agents said.

T.I. had been expected to perform at the BET show, which is to be broadcast Wednesday, and was nominated in nine categories. Instead, the rapper was noticeably absent from red carpet festivities before the show began at 6 p.m., though he was at the center where the show was to be taped.

The co-chief executive of Grand Hustle Records won three awards at last year’s inaugural BET Hip-Hop Awards and received nine nominations this year, including CD of the Year, Lyricist of the Year and MVP of the Year. His sixth album, “T.I. vs. T.I.P.,” was released July 3 and debuted at No. 1.

Grammy winner
T.I. won two Grammys in 2006, including best rap/sung collaboration for “My Love” with Justin Timberlake. He also hit the big screen in “ATL” that year, and he has a role opposite Academy Award winners Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe in “American Gangster,” set for release Nov. 2. He also appeared in a commercial for Chevrolet.

In May 2006, T.I.’s best friend, Philant Johnson, was killed and three others were injured in a shootout after a party in Cincinnati. The killer remains at large, and T.I. was briefly locked up a few days after the funeral on suspicion of failing to perform community service stemming from a 2003 arrest.

T.I. grew up in Atlanta and was selling crack by the time he was a teenager. After years of hustling to launch his rap career, recording demos and shopping for a record deal, his first taste of success came with his 2003 album, “Trap Muzik.”

But the next year, warrants were issued for his arrest on probation violations for a drug conviction, and he was sentenced to three years behind bars. It wasn’t clear Saturday how much of the sentence he actually served.

Ms Tylor At It Again

I think that she needs to stick to vaginas. She was all off course on this one.

Cabin Trip

When I moved to Atlanta a few years ago, I really didn't have many friends that lived in the city. Most of my close friends lived in other parts of the country. But about 8 months ago, I reunited with an associate that I mad met years ago the first time that I lived in Atlanta. Since that time, I have been integrated into his group of about 10 friends that we collectively call "The Family". A little over 2 months ago, a member of the family died of malaria while on a trip to Spain. Right after that, we decided that we all needed a weekend away from the world and we decided to rent a cabin for a weekend. So this past weekend we spent time in Ellijay, GA in a nice, spacious cabin and had a wonderful time. The cabin was equipped just like any other house; kitchen, living areas, basement, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, satellite television, pool table, and jacuzzi.

After 2 months of anticipation, all 9 of us arrived around 6pm after battling traffic to get out of Atlanta with 1 rule; NO ATTITUDES. And one motto; LIVE LAUGH LOVE.

Food, drinks, and, music were all brought in for us to enjoy. We didn't make any concrete plans of what we were going to do except to have a crab boil on Friday night and a barbeque on Saturday evening. And of course we drank and drank and drank some more.

Friday night we got out the big pots and boiled some crab legs and corn on the cob. While the cooks were handling that, I was being the DJ playing music from the 70s, 80s, 90s and today. Anytime someone screamed "that's my song" they had to sing the song karaoke style. We also played some spades for a while. But once the food was done cooking, we ate until it was gone!!!!!!!!!!!! We had a movie playing for those who didn't play cards and after spades and the food, we had group discussions about being out, having children, being single vs. involved (there were 3 couples and 3 singles there), and a few other subjects until about 4am.

Saturday morning we woke up and cooked breakfast fit for royalty (mimosas included). Some of us ventured outside to take pictures and just get some real fresh air. I loved just sitting on the porch swing looking out into the woods. A few people stayed inside talking and eating some more. Most of Saturday afternoon was spent watching television and DVDs, and talking.

Saturday evening we barbequed on the patio and drank beer (Black folk style) and laughed and played cards and pool. After the barbeque we all went back inside when the bugs started biting and it got pitch black dark outside. We watched a few more DVDs and had more conversation about different subjects and we went to bed about 2am.

Sunday morning we woke up about 8am and cooked breakfast again. I think that we watched the last of the DVDs that we brought and we had to clean up to check out by 11am. Then we hit it back to the city.

To say that I enjoyed myself would be an understatment. Being in the company of friends/family and being away from problems and issues was what I needed. Before we departed, we decided that we are gonna have to do it again when it gets cold like in January February. But you can best believe that I will be renting a 4 wheel drive vehicle next time. Those gravel roads were torture on my car!!!!

Repost:Brains and Head 9/17/06

Since I was asked to give the rules on SUCKING DICK during my weekend cabin excursion with some friends, I decided to repost this blog entry from September of last year.


Brains and Head
Fuck all of the slang and call it what it is: SUCKING DICK. Some of us do it, some of us don't. Some of us like it, some of us don't. I'm one of those that like doing it and getting it done. But the one thing that I don't like is people that claim to be good at sucking dick, but aren't. And even worse are the ones that don't want to listen when you tell them how to do it. So what i'm gonna do now is to give some hints and clues.

1. The most important thing about sucking dick is breathing. The next time you are giving someone some head, try to notice if you are breathing while you are sucking. Do not hold your breathe! If you don't breathe, then your jaw will get tired along with the rest of your body. Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!

2. They call it SUCKING dick for a reason. It isn't called jacking a dick. It isn't called playing with a dick. It isn't called looking at a dick. It's called SUCKING Dick! When you got a dick in your mouth, you need to put some pressure on it. You have to pretend that it's the best damn thing that you ever tasted! You got to suck on it like a McDonald's Milkshake! But don't suck too hard. You are not a vacuum! You have to use gentle pressure. Dicks are sensitive things. Just ask one.

3. Don't be afraid to let a little spit drip. You got to keep the dick wet. This allows your lips to slide up and down the shaft with ease. If you have a dry mouth, drink some type of citrus juice before you start. Believe me, that will keep your mouth wet as the Atlantic.

4. Use your lips to keep a grip on the dick. There should be no space between them and the object of affection. And there is no such thing as DSLs (Dick Sucking Lips). If you have a pair, then you can suck a dick. Just remember to keep your lips wrapped around the dick at all times. And watch those teeth. If you find yourself scraping his dick with your teeth, use your lips to cover your them. If you want to see a man cry, scrape his dick with your teeth.

5. Use your tongue when you are giving head. When you are going up and down, place your tongue against the shaft and do that up and down motion. Keep the tongue in contact with the dick. When you get tired of sucking, give your jaw and neck a break by licking the head and sides of the dick. And give that sack of balls a lick and a suck too. They don't want to be left out.

6. Use your hands. Especially if you want to see him nut. Grip your dominant hand lightly around the bottom (if it's a long one, grip the middle). When your neck goes down, bring your hand up to meet it. And make sure that you use a little saliva to lubricate your hand. I can't describe how good this feels, but the ones who have had it done, don't have to imagine.

7. Go farther than the head. When you are sucking dick, you have to put more than the head in. Depending on the size of the dick, you need to at least go half way. Any man can tell you that sucking on just the head can make it become sensitive. If you have a sensitive gag reflex, then suck in your stomach when you start to go down the shaft. Now if you plan on putting that thang down your throat, let me tell you something. DO NOT try to swallow or suck when doing this. Just let it slide as far as it will go. And this is the ONLY time that you should hold your breathe. Many a man can attest that getting deep-throated is the most wonderful feeling in the world. Just don't try to rush into it.

8. If a man wants to thrust while you are sucking, hold his hips or ass. DO NOT let him just pound away in your mouth. Some people can't handle a dick going in and out of their mouth at a fast pace. That shit can be hella uncomfortable. You have to control him and make him go a pace that is comfortable for you.

9. When it's nutting time, it's deciding time. Do I catch it or get the hell out of the way? If you are going to catch the nut, then you have to know when it's coming. Don't let that muthafucka surprise you. A suprise nut can cause I disaster, expecially if you have eaten recently. You get my drift? If you are going to catch and swallow it, stop sucking and just let it go directly down your throat. Do not try to collect it in your mouth and then swallow. And lastly, if you are gonna let it fly, do not get that shit in your eye. It can burn and itch like hell!(Disclaimer-It is not advisable to ingest semen. While it is widely accepted that oral sex is safe, diseases can still be acquired by ingesting semen. Only ingest semen if you fully trust your partner).

10. Lastly, ask you partner which technique he likes best. Some like it slow and steady. Some like it fast and raunchy. Some like a lot of spit. Some want it as dry as possible. You have to talk to him and see what's best. But even though he likes one thing, try other techniques. He might find some other things that he likes.

And that's my advice on sucking dick. Please be advised that these are my opinions and are not rooted in scientific fact. Also, it is advisable to use a condom when performing oral sex. Now go out there and make some man's eyes roll back into his head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Now who wants to give advice about taking and giving dick?

So We...

...finally talked about our breakup and what lead to it. And yes, I called him. Apparently, there were 2 other things that he didn't tell me about why he wanted to end our relationship.


1. We didn't spend enough time together. We both travel. When we first started dating, we spent a lot of time together because I wasn't working as much. But our schedule always picks up for the summer and drops in the fall. So yes, our time was limited, but I forewarned him about that when we started dating. But, in my defense, I tried to make that time quality time.


2. He felt like he was changing me and he didn't want me to change me being me. Some of the things that Hollywood brought up were valid points. I did drink a lot. I did yell a lot when I got mad. I did take criticism badly. But all of these things were points that I actively changes. I cut my drinking. I stopped the yelling completely. I started listening to his criticisms. I don't think that he understood that I was changing for me and not just for the sake of the relationship. I actually take criticism and examine it to see if it will help me to be a better person.

Now, I still don't feel like these were great reason. But then again, I wasn't the one that wanted to break up. I really believe that any issue can be overcome, even infidelity, as long as both parties want to overcome the issue. I also believe that 2 people don't have to be 100% or even 50% compatible to make a relationship work. As long as you 2 are willing to work TOGETHER, then the relationship can be fulfilling and lasting.

But I think the problem here is that I was just more willing to work than he was. And that always seems to be the case with me. Once I get it in my head that I want to try a relationship with someone, I commit myself to that even if the other person hasn't gotten there. I am not even gonna say that i'm gonna work on that, because it's just a part of me and I know that it's not going anywhere.

That's all.

I'm Missing Him Ya'll

I'm missing Hollywood something terrible right now. I'm having that "I should call and talk to him" feeling and I don't like it. But the more I think about it, i'm not sure if it's him that I am missing or just his presence. I miss:

Having him to think about

Having him to look forward to talking to

Having him to lay on the couch and watch TV with

Having him to cook dinner for

Having him in my heart

Just having him.

I'm wondering how I would feel if I replaced each "him" with "someone"? Is the problem that I am just lonely now, or do I really miss him. This time, it's the latter.

We haven't talked since we broke up, but we have emailed and texted each other. I think that gives us a chance to get everything out without interruption from the other person. One of our problems was listening to he other person and truly hearing what he had to say. Emails and texts allow us to do that.

For the past 2 weeks, I have kept telling myself that don't want to talk to him. I can tell myself that a million times, but it's not true. I miss him and that's the truth. But as I think about him, I keep wondering is he thinking about me.