Could It Be True

Last night while flying to San Diego, I felt this little "ping" in my chest. No, it wasn't gas or heartburn. My first thought after that was "I think i'm in love". That damn Cupid has struck again.

Although I felt it, i'm not so sure that it's 100% real. I just can't get over the feeling that I am not fully satisfied. So I think it's best that I keep my mouth shut. And I know what satisfaction is, so don't even say that I can never be satisfied.

Kid In A Candy Store

Atlanta really is a candy store when it comes to sexy, phyne, good-looking brothas. Last Saturday, 2 of my friends and I took a trip to 6 Flags over Georgia. From the moment we got out of the car, all 3 of us noticed that there was an abundance of attractive brothas all over the place. We saw them in all shapes, sizes, and shades of brown.

It got me to thinking about why people cheat on others. It seemed as though just as soon as I saw one that made me want to swoon and he got out of my sight, another one would appear. I would take 10 steps and see a defined brotha in a tight a-shirt *I don't like the label "wifebeater"* with a basketball booty. In the next 10 steps I would see a brotha with bulging biceps stretching his polo shirt to oblivion and calves of doom giving a pair of jean shorts hell. And then in the next 10 steps, I would see a father with his son(s) or daughter(s) and think that it's the cutest thing in the world. All of the sights would make a dude forget about the rides and wonder which brotha he wanted to ride (I swear the thought never crossed my mind).

But I kept thinking that this is one of the reasons why people cheat. It APPEARS that there is always something better within the next 10 steps *although we are judging solely on the physical*. You are with a dude that you think you are satisfied with and then BAM, another one appears and gives you some attention. Believe me, it has happened several times while I have been dating Hollywood.

I'm not saying that I condone cheating because I don't. But you have to actually be in a relationship and committed to someone before you cheat. This could be one of the reasons that keep people from forming monogamous, committed relationships. You always think that someone else is better no matter how good you are treated or how phyne your man/woman is. All I am saying is that after my experience at 6 Flags is that I can understand.

So I have to ask the question. How you do stay or become satisfied with one person if there always APPEARS to be something better out there?

Note: This post has been modified from it's original version because several readers got the wrong idea. Changes appear in blue.

Letting It Out

I didn't really want to talk about my depression because only 1 other person knows that I go through it and that i'm not pretending. But I think that it's time that I let this thing out of the bag. I can tell you first hand why people who suffer from depression don't want people to know. They do it because people can be cruel. When people find out, they think that you are "crazy" or something worse. People look at you differently. They think that they have to talk to you in a soft voice or touch you on the shoulder when they talk to you. Basically, they judge you.

When I was in college, I went to see a psychiatrist because I was severely depressed. It got to a point where I didn't want to go to work, go to class, or interact with anyone. Since I had been in my teens, I would go through these periods where this would happen. I had no idea that it was depression. Like most black people, I thought that it was just "the blues" and that "the Lord" could make it better.

One day, during one of these depressive periods, I decided that I had had enough and I actually thought about driving off a bridge that I was about to go across. Just before I was about to make a decision whether or not to do it, my phone rang and it interrupted my thoughts. I didn't do it. But because that was not my first time having suicidal thoughts I decided that it was time to seek professional help because I knew that I really didn't want to die.

I also had been having panic attacks at least twice a week. If you have never had a panic attack, you don't want to ever have one. If you remember when Terri Joseph on Showtime's Soul Food was having them, that 's what it's like. Shortness of breath, profuse sweating, a perceived rise in body temperature, and extreme thirst. Your heart feels like it's about to stop or has stopped and you feel like you are about to die. The bad part about it is that there is nothing that you can do about it. The only thing that made me feel better was cold air and cold water.

The panic attacks would happen anywhere at any time. I once had one in class and had to grab my stuff and run to my car. When I got to my car, I turned that air on high and sat there until it subsided. Another time, I was in the mall shopping with my ex-boyfriend and it started. Once again, I ran to my car and turned the air on high.

I started seeing a psychiatrist in February of 2000 right after the incident on the bridge. Of course we started with the usual "why do you feel that way", "what made you react in that manner" type of questions. But he did delve into my childhood as I expected. He helped me to realize that some of the things that my parents did were not meant to hurt me and may have even been to protect me from harm Although he did agree with me that their methods may not have been the best. He helped me to let go of some of the resentment that I had for my parents AND my sibling.

I also told him about the fact that I was adopted and just never felt fully connected to and accepted by my family. I always believed that I was treated differently (I was) from the other children. The therapist helped me to just let some of that go (not all of it).

All in all, I was helped. But I couldn't afford to keep going because the ish was expensive and I didn't have insurance. But I think that it's time that I start seeing a therapist again. For a while, I thought that I was over the depression and panic attacks. But over the last year, it's started back. I have only a few panic attacks this year, but the depressive episodes have become more frequent.

So now, it's time for me to review my insurance and get a referral to a psychiatrist here in Atlanta. Yet Another Black Guy said it best when he said that "nobody should go have to go it alone".

Tired

My mind, body, and spirit are all just tired. I just feel all fucked up. And the sad part about it is that I don't feel like anyone would understand how I feel, so I don't feel like talking about it, and I don't want to be pitied.

I'll write about how I feel later, but right now, I just want to sleep.

My Day To Myself

This picture explains how I felt today. I didn't feel like doing shit. I didn't shave, didn't brush my hair, (I did take a 2 showers and brushed my teeth 3 times), didn't dress (except for the A-shirt and shorts), didn't get rid of the bags under my eyes, didn't do a damn thing.

I didn't think about any money issues, relationship issues, family issues, or any other issues.

I didn't answer my phone when it rang.

I watched TV all day and didn't do anything else but eat and check my mail and email.

Why? Because I left like it. I didn't feel like doing a damn thing and today was not the day for people to bother me. The only thing that would have made my day better was some cookie and cream ice cream and a Coca-Cola. In fact, i'm gonna go get that right now.

Self- Assessment

The other day while at work, I realized something. I realized that I am not a people person. I kept thinking about how I am always snapping at people, have little patience, and a low tolerance for people who don't think. People really irritate me sometimes and I have always wondered why.

I don't like to deal with other people's emotions and I usually don't have much sympathy when something bad happens to people (except for children).

I don't like people who ask questions for something that's obvious. I always wonder why people don't take the time to figure ish out for themselves.


I don't like people to yell at me. I instantly get defensive and yell back. I have tried to not do it, but it's like i'm wired for it.


I don't like to be given orders by anyone. I get irritated when guests at my hotel TELL me to do something instead of ASKING for it. A man told me the other day to get his bags for him. I told him that he would have to get them for himself.


When I get upset, it's not hard to tell. I give straight attitude. I cut my eyes, scowl, and talk with proper diction.

I don't hold my tongue much. When something is one my mind, I usually just say it. In the past years, I have acquired more restraint, but I still tell it like it is.

I don't trust people to do things that they say that they are going to do. I always feel as though I am going to be disappointed. And I usually am.

A lot of times I think about how I act and am disappointed in myself. I sometimes feel guilty about the way that I treat people. But I realize that I am the way that I am because I have always HAD to be LIKE I am. I don't think that my parents and sibling intentionally meant to hurt me, but a lot of the ish that they did has left permanent scars on me and it affect my personality.

I never saw much sympathy growing up. When I got hit by a car when I was 6 years old, I was told that I should not have been riding my bike in the street. There goes my sympathy.

When I had questions for my parents growing up, I was always told to find out for myself or go ask someone else. I then started just doing things on my own.

I got yelled at constantly as a kid and was always afraid to yell back. When I started being more defensive during my high school years, it stuck with me.

I don't hold my tongue because I always use to do it. There were times when I wouldn't talk for days. I would go to school and not say anything to anyone. I would come home and not say anything. The strange thing is that no one ever seemed to notice.

I was always promised things when I was growing up. A bike, a trip to the ice cream shop, new school clothes, my favorite food for dinner, a new set of books, a co-signer on a car loan, and all kinds of things. I never got it, and just don't expect people to fulfill their promises.

A lot of people are unaffected by childhood events, but I am not one of them. I have always wondered why I act the way that I do and have the personality that I have. And over the last few years, I have thought about it and can only come up with the conclusion that I had a fucked up childhood. Some might say that I should get over it and let my what happened in the past go and move on with the future. It sounds so easy. But I invite these same people to examine how their childhood affects them.

Now that I have found the source of my personality woes, it's time for me to get myself together. I have been doing so for the last few years, but I still have a long way to go.

I Need To Stop

I need to stop:

1. Calling people ghetto--When I see gold teeth, or hear someone saying "skreet" or "skrawberry", or see someone with unusually colored hair. They aren't ghetto, they are just expressing themselves. In addition, some people would consider some of the things that I do ghetto.

2. Drinking-I got so drunk a few weeks ago that I couldn't drive and forgot a few hours of the night. Since that time, I have had 3 drinks total.

3. Driving so fast-I don't excessively speed, but I do drive faster than most other people. It seems as though if the other drivers are traveling at 60mph, i'm doing 70mph. I just need to slow down. I haven't had a ticket in about 2.5 years and don't need one.

4. Being so critical of myself. Lately I have been feeling guilty about the way that I treat people. But i'm just being me. I don't do anything malicious to people, but I will tell a person off in a minute. I can't feel guilty about speaking my mind.

5. Laying on my ass. I spend more time laying down, reading the paper or a book, or watching television than I do being active. I haven't been playing tennis or going to the gym in the past few months. I need to get off my ass and get active. I had started taking walks in Piedmont park, but that's too far of a drive just to go walking.

Kicked To The Curb-Literally

This gives new meaning to the phrase "kicked to the curb". I was concerned, but I couldn't help laughing at how the kid flew through the air.

3 Month Itch #2

Some people look at the glass as half full and others look at it as half empty. I see it as half full. And if I like what I am drinking, I try to fill it up. That's what I am trying to do with this situation with Hollywood. Leaving the situation would be like knocking the glass over and spilling the contents.

So I read each comment and thought them all out. Valentino and Ladynay seemed to have the best ideas. Ladynay said to follow my gut and Valentino said to convince him to see things my way. And that's what I did. On Saturday night, we had a very productive talk about the last 3 months, likes and dislikes, our dating level, and all other things. Without going into all of the specifics, we came to some compromises. The biggest compromise that we came to was to use effective communication. BOTH OF US. No more yelling and screaming. No more tuning each other out. No more walking out. More listening, understanding, and application.

As far as the honeymoon phase is concerned, I don't prescribe to it. Most times when people are in that phase, they are being what they think that the other person wants them to be. I never have and never will do that. What you got on day 1 is what you will get on day 1000. Luckily, both Hollywood and I have been real and consistent from the beginning. That's one of the things that I had been looking for in a dude.

So i'm gonna stick to my compromise promises and see where this situation goes.

3 Month Itch

So it's been just under 3 months that Hollywood and I have been seeing each other and I don't know what to say. I can say that I care about him, but as of the typing of this post, I just don't know what to say about the situation.

We have had our fair share of arguments over these last few months. Our last argument was over call waiting. Here is what happened. I was on the phone with my friend Prince who lives in New York whom I haven't talked to in about 2 months. While on the phone, Hollywood called and I didn't click over. I didn't click over because I never do unless I am expecting the call or the first call is ending. Right after he called, he sent me a text message saying "I tried calling you and I guess you are busy. I'm going to sleep. Goodnight." I have told him that there is no need to send me a text message if I don't answer his call because I know that he called. It feels like he is saying that "since you didn't have time to talk to me I am sending you this text message".

After I ended my call with Prince, I called Hollywood to say good night to him and to remind him that he doesn't need to send me a text if I don't answer the phone when he calls. He asked me why I didn't click over and say "I'll call you right back". I told him that I usually don't answer call waiting unless I am expecting the call and that I see no point in clicking over to tell someone that I will call them "right back". He asked me to consider if he was calling me in an emergency. I replied by asking him if I should assume that every call that comes in while I am on the phone is an emergency. His rebuttal was that it's common courtesy to answer a call that comes in. My reply was that what he eats will never make me shit. Meaning that that's his form of common courtesy, and not mine.

He then starts saying that I get too defensive when he brings up subjects about me. It's true that I do get defensive when he brings up things that he doesn't like about me or that I need to change. Who the hell wouldn't.? The problem with Hollywood is that he wants me to make changes to myself that he says would benefit "the relationship". That's an issue because all of these things are actually what he wants me to do in order to maintain something with him. Things that he feels are vital for us to maintain our situation:

1. Change my tone of voice when we have a disagreement-Instead of asking him a question the way that I want to, I need to ask him in the tone and frame of voice that he wants me to.

2. Answer the phone whenever he calls-Lord please don't let me not answer the phone when he calls. He will ask me why I didn't answer. I usually just ignore the question.

3. Not ask him something if we have discussed it already-If we have discussed something, I am never to bring up the subject again. But he can ask me something after we have discussed it.

4. Not bring up everything that bothers me about him-He believes I should "pick my battles" and just let some things go.

These are things that we have discussed that he wants me to "work on" so that we can form a relationship. Notice that I said HE thinks that these are things that I need to work on. Out of these items, #4 is what really gets my goat. I can't bring things up, but each time that there is something that he doesn't like, we have to discuss it when he wants to and how he wants to.

Each time we have a discussion of a topic on me and my actions and personality, he pulls the "maybe we shouldn't be together" line. He has said this 4 times and it's starting to get on my last damn nerve. It tells me that anyday that he decides, he is gonna just up and leave the situation because he is unhappy with something. As though if I don't conform to his demands that he is just gonna walk.

Now there are things about him that I would like him to change, . They are:

1. Stay off the damn phone. He has one of those damn big ass computer phones (Motorola 8525) with the little stick (stylus) that you punch the keyboard with. He stays either typing on that phone or talking on it while we are together. Once while we were out with a friend of mine and his boyfriend, Hollywood sat there typing away on the phone while we conversed.

2. Clean up his car and house. Both are a junky ass mess and anyone who knows me know that I hate clutter.

3. Hold me while I sleep or at least sleep close to me. While we are sleeping, he will push me away from him and sleep on the complete ofher side of the bed.

4. Get out of the house. For some reason he doesn't want to leave the house anymore. When we first started dating, we actually dated! Now all he wants to do is watch movies at home. We went to Blockbuster last week to rent a movie and he had seen EVERY movie that I picked up.! And I know that I picked up at least 20 movies! I cannot sit at home and watch movies all damn day.

5. Meet some of his friends. I hung out with his him and his friends ONCE and I have never seen them again. But on the other hand, each time my group gets together, they ask me to bring him along and he always attends.

Now of these items, #1 and #5 are my biggest worry and are the only 2 things that I have discussed with him because the others are just a part of his personality. He agreed to stay off the phone, and he has, but says that I am never in town when he and his friends hang out. I'm in town. Guess where he is tonight? With them. Was I invited? Nope.

Now I am not the type of person to always think that things need to go my way or the highway, but that is what I am learning that he is.

Right now, I am starting to believe that maybe we are not all that compatible. I have seen it a while back, but this time I want(ed) to stick it out and try. To see if it was really me causing all of the issues in my dating and relationships. After all, I am the common denominator in all of them. But I refuse to take all of the blame if this one doesn't work out. I know that I am not so horrible of a person that I am not capable of sustaining anything with anyone.

I don't feel like typing anymore. But I will say this. After 3 months, I feel that it's time for us to actually determine if we are going to establish something or let it go. We will have that discussion within the next few days.


Feel free to comment, good or bad, critical or encouraging.