Sunday, July 01, 2007

3 Month Itch

So it's been just under 3 months that Hollywood and I have been seeing each other and I don't know what to say. I can say that I care about him, but as of the typing of this post, I just don't know what to say about the situation.

We have had our fair share of arguments over these last few months. Our last argument was over call waiting. Here is what happened. I was on the phone with my friend Prince who lives in New York whom I haven't talked to in about 2 months. While on the phone, Hollywood called and I didn't click over. I didn't click over because I never do unless I am expecting the call or the first call is ending. Right after he called, he sent me a text message saying "I tried calling you and I guess you are busy. I'm going to sleep. Goodnight." I have told him that there is no need to send me a text message if I don't answer his call because I know that he called. It feels like he is saying that "since you didn't have time to talk to me I am sending you this text message".

After I ended my call with Prince, I called Hollywood to say good night to him and to remind him that he doesn't need to send me a text if I don't answer the phone when he calls. He asked me why I didn't click over and say "I'll call you right back". I told him that I usually don't answer call waiting unless I am expecting the call and that I see no point in clicking over to tell someone that I will call them "right back". He asked me to consider if he was calling me in an emergency. I replied by asking him if I should assume that every call that comes in while I am on the phone is an emergency. His rebuttal was that it's common courtesy to answer a call that comes in. My reply was that what he eats will never make me shit. Meaning that that's his form of common courtesy, and not mine.

He then starts saying that I get too defensive when he brings up subjects about me. It's true that I do get defensive when he brings up things that he doesn't like about me or that I need to change. Who the hell wouldn't.? The problem with Hollywood is that he wants me to make changes to myself that he says would benefit "the relationship". That's an issue because all of these things are actually what he wants me to do in order to maintain something with him. Things that he feels are vital for us to maintain our situation:

1. Change my tone of voice when we have a disagreement-Instead of asking him a question the way that I want to, I need to ask him in the tone and frame of voice that he wants me to.

2. Answer the phone whenever he calls-Lord please don't let me not answer the phone when he calls. He will ask me why I didn't answer. I usually just ignore the question.

3. Not ask him something if we have discussed it already-If we have discussed something, I am never to bring up the subject again. But he can ask me something after we have discussed it.

4. Not bring up everything that bothers me about him-He believes I should "pick my battles" and just let some things go.

These are things that we have discussed that he wants me to "work on" so that we can form a relationship. Notice that I said HE thinks that these are things that I need to work on. Out of these items, #4 is what really gets my goat. I can't bring things up, but each time that there is something that he doesn't like, we have to discuss it when he wants to and how he wants to.

Each time we have a discussion of a topic on me and my actions and personality, he pulls the "maybe we shouldn't be together" line. He has said this 4 times and it's starting to get on my last damn nerve. It tells me that anyday that he decides, he is gonna just up and leave the situation because he is unhappy with something. As though if I don't conform to his demands that he is just gonna walk.

Now there are things about him that I would like him to change, . They are:

1. Stay off the damn phone. He has one of those damn big ass computer phones (Motorola 8525) with the little stick (stylus) that you punch the keyboard with. He stays either typing on that phone or talking on it while we are together. Once while we were out with a friend of mine and his boyfriend, Hollywood sat there typing away on the phone while we conversed.

2. Clean up his car and house. Both are a junky ass mess and anyone who knows me know that I hate clutter.

3. Hold me while I sleep or at least sleep close to me. While we are sleeping, he will push me away from him and sleep on the complete ofher side of the bed.

4. Get out of the house. For some reason he doesn't want to leave the house anymore. When we first started dating, we actually dated! Now all he wants to do is watch movies at home. We went to Blockbuster last week to rent a movie and he had seen EVERY movie that I picked up.! And I know that I picked up at least 20 movies! I cannot sit at home and watch movies all damn day.

5. Meet some of his friends. I hung out with his him and his friends ONCE and I have never seen them again. But on the other hand, each time my group gets together, they ask me to bring him along and he always attends.

Now of these items, #1 and #5 are my biggest worry and are the only 2 things that I have discussed with him because the others are just a part of his personality. He agreed to stay off the phone, and he has, but says that I am never in town when he and his friends hang out. I'm in town. Guess where he is tonight? With them. Was I invited? Nope.

Now I am not the type of person to always think that things need to go my way or the highway, but that is what I am learning that he is.

Right now, I am starting to believe that maybe we are not all that compatible. I have seen it a while back, but this time I want(ed) to stick it out and try. To see if it was really me causing all of the issues in my dating and relationships. After all, I am the common denominator in all of them. But I refuse to take all of the blame if this one doesn't work out. I know that I am not so horrible of a person that I am not capable of sustaining anything with anyone.

I don't feel like typing anymore. But I will say this. After 3 months, I feel that it's time for us to actually determine if we are going to establish something or let it go. We will have that discussion within the next few days.

Feel free to comment, good or bad, critical or encouraging.

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Blogger Cocoa Rican said...

Well pa, here’s how I see it…
When you meet a compatible partner - the first six months of a relationship (dating, etc.) are the honeymoon phase. During this period, arguments are virtually nonexistent, since the parties are intent on keeping each other happy, putting their best foot forward and making it work. Compromise comes easy and you (and your partner) do everything to make it work. This comes without a second-thought, since the love-dovey feeling is so strong that it really takes no work to make your partner smile. If there are disagreements, they’re resolved quickly and both parties are virtually falling over each other to compromise because they want it to work.

For notes on phone etiquette refer to my 6/22 post…these rules apply to folks I date and friends alike. All said, I accept calls from someone I’m really excited about – just because, but the truth is, it is simpler if he just leaves a message saying to call him back. There is NO emergency necessitating a live/die call to you. You are not 9-1-1.

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! This is too early to feel like movie night is every night. At this stage you and your partner need to be exposed to different venues and people. This there are moments for quiet time and alone time, but our dates aren’t it. I hate when a brotha is trying to make every date a cheap date or is too lazy to come up with fun things to do.

No one has the right to tell you what to discuss and when you can do so. Requesting core changes to your personality – as I mentioned to you on a previous “Changes” post you had are NOT good. They leave the “changed” party feeling unable to be themselves. This is basically your call… you can change for someone, but know that you will always feel stifled.

Follow your heart. Your heart knows when it is content, satisfied and fulfilled. If your partner is making you feel like your missing things you really need, do what you feel works for you. Three months may seem like a long time, but it really isn’t and cracks may be exposing themselves now.
I’ve been dating one guy for two years and I still call it dating… we have a great time, laugh like hell and enjoy each other thoroughly – hate to say it, but WE NEVER HAD A FIGHT! …but hey, that’s me and you know I’ve been known to be a selfish, stone-cold, fuckin’ bitch! LOL
Compromise when it makes you feel good about pleasing your partner, not when it makes you feel bad about being you.

9:49 AM, July 01, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sounds to me like you and this guy are really not that compatible. you may like him a lot but he definitely has issues with the fundamental elements of your personality. not a good look. he also sounds like a dictator. i hate to say it but this post sounded like the diary of an abused woman just before the abuse starts. ultimately, it's your call but i dont think you will ever be truly happy with this dude. Cocoa Rican is right, this should be the honeymoon phase. sounds like you too have skipped to the "need to try and save the marriage with counseling" phase. best wishes.

4:22 PM, July 01, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh p.s. the most startling issue for me is the fact that he keeps you away from his friends. quite telling. and what the hell he got to say so much on that phone? are you two exclusive or are you allowed to see other people? just a question...

4:24 PM, July 01, 2007  
Blogger life said...

You do seem to get pretty defensive. I think #1 is reasonable. Everyone wants to be spoken to respectfully. #2 is a mess! #4 might make some sense...picking your battles is a wise thing. I think you should tell him your other concerns. He seems like he is willing to work on them. See how he handle the conversation about the phone.

5:52 PM, July 01, 2007  
Blogger ponoono said...

its like having a litter of puppies and watching them wrestle to establish who is the alpha dog..

a lot of ppl are trying to use the technology of the phone to maintain a "co-presence" even when physically apart.. a virtual presence.

that boy can't stand having you off the electronic leash right??

summation: "move on"

8:51 PM, July 01, 2007  
Blogger yet another black guy said...

sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. nobody's perfect, but some personality quirks make certain individuals unbearable.

i'm single, so you can take this with a grain of salt: it's only been 3 months and he's getting on your nerves with some stupid shit. it seems like you're trying to stick it out so as to own up to your past failures and perceived flaws. homeboy is domineering and hypocritical. plus, he's quick to use the "we can just split up" card. ain't NO ass THAT good. charge it to the game, end it tactfully and move on.

11:12 PM, July 01, 2007  
Blogger Valentino said...

I don't think you should move on...I think that you should show him somethings from your perspective to let him know that he's not always being fair or rational...I mean, if you like him, I think you should atleast try to work it out so at the end of the day you can say that you gave it ur best. Although it is a little early to be going through it.

9:59 AM, July 02, 2007  
Blogger Kensilo said...

If you are willing to make some changes for him and he's not willing to do the same for you I feel that you are in a one-sided relationship.
Does he feel like you two are in a realtionship or just "dating"???

Coca Rican summed up the matter pretty well you should be in pure bliss right now. Dont try to change yourself for someone else's enjoyment. Make sure the change is for yourself first. Only YOU know what your heart is telling you. Follow it.

10:56 AM, July 02, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dont care if I have 7 things going on at once when "chris" calls I answer. I'll say: is everythign ok, I'm swamped he will say: I'm fine just call me back. I always do.

Next time ol' boy says: I don't think this i working out or maybe we should not be together, you say: I think you are right and shut up. He is just saying it to get a rise out of you.

And....This is just not working, drop his ass

4:46 PM, July 02, 2007  
Blogger E said...

Sorry to hear about the situation. #4 of his demands rubs me the wrong way. He says not bring up everything that bothers me about him-He believes I should "pick my battles" and just let some things go.

Is he planning on following his own rule?

I know what you mean about trying to stick things out. I feel that way about a lot of things.

I think you have to do what's best for you. The answer is right in front of you.

7:35 AM, July 03, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

At the end of the day all you have is you and your happiness. And your happiness is what makes you who you are. I’ve done the one-sided relationship trying to work on my “strong personality, and lack of sensitivity and emotion”, because I had that maybe its me idea of why things don’t work. At the end of that one-sided relationship all I can say is I accepted him for who he was and was not, and he could not do the same for me. So it was time wasted, on someone that was not worthy of my time, affection, and energy. If the benefit of him being in your life is great and value add I say try to work it out. But I would caution continuing a relationship with anyone that use the “maybe we shouldn’t be together” clause to control things in their favor. To me it’s like he saying you can’t find someone that can appreciated for you like he can so you better do what you can to hold on to him. Misery love company, so your happiness is the only thing that matter.

9:49 AM, July 03, 2007  
Blogger Mr. Jones said...

Combine Valetino's and kennon's responses and you have what I would say.

10:49 AM, July 03, 2007  
Blogger Ladynay said...

So overused, but follow your gut. It bothered me the most that you put down that he pulls the split up card a lot. That's not cool.

You know yourself and him better than any of us so I can't say too much.

Good luck babe!

5:00 PM, July 03, 2007  
Blogger ReddMann said...

I don't think relationships will be easy but this one just seems like too much work.

after reading all of this I wonder why are you 2 together?

3:00 PM, July 05, 2007  

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