Thursday, June 14, 2007

Relationship Questions and Opinions

Once again another one of my friends has broken up with the guy that he had been seeing. Even though it's not me, i'm just a little frustrated. It seems that Black gay men just can't seem to stay together when involved in a relationship. What the hell is the problem? When people think of the longevity of couples, they usually think about how many couples they know. I did the same thing. I WAS in a relationship for 3 years. Another friend WAS in a relationshop for 5 years. Yet another friend has been and still IS in a relationship for 5 years.

Why are there not more Black gay couples? Could it be that we don't want to be committed. Could it be that we have sex too soon? Could it be that we don't really get to know each other? Could it be that we just don't know how?

I must first ask the question of who wants to be in a relationship? Most brothers that I come in contact with seem to be in the mindset that they don't want to be committed. I have heard brothas say that they just want to date. They don't want to get heavily invovled because it's too difficult or that they can't find someone to connect with.

I must then ask the question of why a relationship is important to people? The one example that we have always seen, straight or gay, is that a person should be involved with someone. Relationships are important because they keep people stable. Most people will wait until they are in a relationship before doing something such as buying a house, having children, or going back to school. The sooner we can get involved with someone and become stable, the sooner we can "begin life".

I must then ask the question of do we know what a relationship is? No one can say exactly what a relationship is. If you ask 10 people what a relationship is, you will get 10 different answers. People define relationships in their own terms.

I must then ask the question of can we actually commit to one person? From what I have seen, people seem to think that there is always something better out there. Someone with more money, a better body, more intelligence, better conversation, taller, weighs less, has a bigger ass. We think that by committing to one person, we are giving up all of the other dudes out there. I wonder why we can't concentrate on the person that we are with.

I must then ask the question of how important sex is in a relationship? In my opinion, it's very important. But I don't know how important to others. I have heard tales of people breaking up with someone because the sex wasn't great. And on the flip side, I have heard of people not breaking up because the sex was too good. And yet again, I have heard of people breaking up because one partner didn't want to have sex.

I have plenty of other questions, but after all of these and the corresponding opinions, I believe that we just simply don't know how to sustain relationships. It's that plain and simple.

What's your opinion?



Anonymous Steve said...

It's not just black dudes who have this problem, it's everybody. Ever see the statistics on divorce?

When we are with someone because we really like the sex, we really like their ass, we are addicted to their money, etc and so on, we forget that what keeps a relationship going is that you are in love with the person, the whole person. There's always another nice ass around the bend, or better sex, or good lay. As long as those define our relationships, our relationships will only last as long as we can restrain the desire to chase the next.

6:56 AM, June 15, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Easy was never meant to be with men and vice versa for women.

7:28 AM, June 15, 2007  
Blogger Mr. Jones said...

story of my life.

7:42 AM, June 15, 2007  
Blogger Bernie said...

Why are there not more Black gay couples? Could it be that we don't want to be committed. Could it be that we have sex too soon? Could it be that we don't really get to know each other? Could it be that we just don't know how?

Yes, and yes to most of the other questions you asked.

But it's also because we don't have role models to show us how to form, build and maintain our relationships. We lack social support mechanisms to tell us our relationships are valid forms of love. Does anyone date any more? Does anyone know how to date and what a date is for?

But these problems aren't exclusive to Black gay men. More and more Americans are single and staying that way longer, gay, straight, Black, White, etc. People are having a hard time making meaningful connections with one another and facing more difficulty forming lasting relationships.

And it's not just love relations that are suffering. More and more people are just pulling away from social interactions of all kinds, as chronicled in the book Bowling Alone. We're becoming a nation of loners.

12:59 PM, June 15, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To answer the question, Its all of the above mention. But the real reason is because men and women don’t take the time to get to know who they really are as an individual, before trying to join with someone else. Which lead to people falling for the trap that a relationship will make them stable and happy, if you are not happy and stable before the relationship you are not going to be happier in one, it will just seem that way until the dust settle. I’ve met people that think that they function better in a relationship so the jump from relationship to relationship and wonder why they don’t last, (but it always the other person’s fault). And you can have a lasting relationship without friendship. Which most people that have those long lasting relationships, always say they were friends first. (But some people don’t know what a real friends is) And no one needs a role model to show them how to respect and love someone, because character can not be taught or observe. And as people become more educated and older they develop standards (not shallow unrealistic ones) to make their life better, so people have to bring a lot more then physical attributes to the table to make a relationship work and last. And it the same for gay's and hetero's. Either we get wiser from past relationships and friendships or we continue to be fools and not grow. Good Topic!!!!!

Da Serial Dater!!!!

2:07 PM, June 15, 2007  
Blogger life said...

I don't think it's a black gay thing. I think people are so tempermental. We don't have a long-suffering spirit and in some cases that's a good thing.

4:56 PM, June 15, 2007  
Blogger Cocoa Rican said...

Relationship are what we make them... and knowing when to stick with it OR drop the heck out is important. I think we all have such different expectations that it's hard to say what one formula works. For me, my expectations have changed so drastically that I'm almost afraid to say...
I'm also slightly annoyed at how much I have become accustomed to being single and running my show. It will certainly be a study in compromise WHEN Mr. Right arrives.

7:21 PM, June 15, 2007  
Blogger Kensilo said...

I don't know why we think that the grass is greener on the other side. what ever happen to companionship, trust, love, understanding of each other. A relationship is more than just sex. It's about living and enjoying your time with one another. Getting to know each other more and more as time passes. yo get that kind of connection jumping from one person to the next.

6:14 AM, June 16, 2007  
Blogger yet another black guy said...

i think we as a society have become beholden to the power of instant gratification. it's not just that there is someone out there who MAY seem better than the current guy, but looking for, finding and hooking up with said individual is 10 times more likely of happening now thanks to the internet.

10:57 PM, June 16, 2007  
Blogger ponoono said...

My opinion is: you ask a lot of damm questions.

More seriously - What drives this shallow behavior is the ready availability of product - there is no simply shortage of gay men and thanks to the internet you can meet them from all over the world. Part of it is nte nature of man - the hunt is more exciting than domesticating cows.

So people move on for the shallowest of reasons.

11:59 AM, June 17, 2007  
Blogger E said...

It is an interesting discussion. Sorry to join so late.

It's definitely not limited to gay black men, though it does seem to be harder and harder to find long-term gay black couples, hence for those who make it a month or so, the joke's always 'that's like a year in gay terms'.

I agree that the Internet seems to open up more oportunities for all sexes to meet different people that normally wouldn't be possible twelve years or so back.

5:07 PM, June 17, 2007  
Blogger iDLg said...

u know, "ponoono" has a point, about the hunt thing..
i made it a point in my life that i wanted my relationships to be long term..and having lived the life of a male prostitute..i figured i knew full well how to hit and quit it..but when it came to my personal life..(see sex for hire is not personal) i wanted feelings to matter, to last..well most of my past lovers and i did at least make 3 to 5 years max..but most often the reason we made it to 3 was cause i was willing to put up wit a lot of bs..before i walked..
often the cats i was with also where willing to put up wit my bs or creature comforts in exchange..material tings will keep you running for awhile.. alas though most often or not me and my love parted ways for reasons common to most people; i.e., i was too much of a bitch; he was too much of a pig; i was tired of paying his bills; he was tired of pretending he was gay; i lost the desire for the man; we where way to toxic on each other and our familes; etc. etc.
finding a lasting relationship is not a sure ting in life..and when you do find one that suggest lasting, you better be will to
work rupaul use to say,
and of course you both should have a source of sided anything is a sure killer of an relationship..

9:48 PM, June 19, 2007  
Anonymous kennyking78 said...

I often wonder about this. I am in a relationship for the last few years and believe me, there have been times when I have wanted to walk, but for some reason I have not. I attribute that to the fact that, even though I have no model to follow in the gay community, I have had the opportunity to see that a relationship can last from watching my mom and stepdad who have been married for the last 24 years.

I have always told my partner that as long as he is willing to communicate then I will stay with him. As soon as he closes off that communication then I am out of the door! It gets hairy sometimes, but we do have good times.

2:21 PM, June 22, 2007  
Blogger E said...

idlg...your comment about staying in one relationship longer because you put up with a lot of bs rings so true. Someone once told me that the true measure of if you love someone is how much of the bad qualities of a mate you're willing to put up with. Folks don't change overnight and at the beginning of relationships, a lot of us tend to overlook the bad qualities.

But what hopefully happens in an ideal relationship is that even with the few bad qualities, the good qualities of that person is greater.

Relationships are sooo much work as I'm relearning. But it's definitely worth it.

12:39 PM, June 24, 2007  

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