Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Self- Assessment

The other day while at work, I realized something. I realized that I am not a people person. I kept thinking about how I am always snapping at people, have little patience, and a low tolerance for people who don't think. People really irritate me sometimes and I have always wondered why.

I don't like to deal with other people's emotions and I usually don't have much sympathy when something bad happens to people (except for children).

I don't like people who ask questions for something that's obvious. I always wonder why people don't take the time to figure ish out for themselves.

I don't like people to yell at me. I instantly get defensive and yell back. I have tried to not do it, but it's like i'm wired for it.

I don't like to be given orders by anyone. I get irritated when guests at my hotel TELL me to do something instead of ASKING for it. A man told me the other day to get his bags for him. I told him that he would have to get them for himself.

When I get upset, it's not hard to tell. I give straight attitude. I cut my eyes, scowl, and talk with proper diction.

I don't hold my tongue much. When something is one my mind, I usually just say it. In the past years, I have acquired more restraint, but I still tell it like it is.

I don't trust people to do things that they say that they are going to do. I always feel as though I am going to be disappointed. And I usually am.

A lot of times I think about how I act and am disappointed in myself. I sometimes feel guilty about the way that I treat people. But I realize that I am the way that I am because I have always HAD to be LIKE I am. I don't think that my parents and sibling intentionally meant to hurt me, but a lot of the ish that they did has left permanent scars on me and it affect my personality.

I never saw much sympathy growing up. When I got hit by a car when I was 6 years old, I was told that I should not have been riding my bike in the street. There goes my sympathy.

When I had questions for my parents growing up, I was always told to find out for myself or go ask someone else. I then started just doing things on my own.

I got yelled at constantly as a kid and was always afraid to yell back. When I started being more defensive during my high school years, it stuck with me.

I don't hold my tongue because I always use to do it. There were times when I wouldn't talk for days. I would go to school and not say anything to anyone. I would come home and not say anything. The strange thing is that no one ever seemed to notice.

I was always promised things when I was growing up. A bike, a trip to the ice cream shop, new school clothes, my favorite food for dinner, a new set of books, a co-signer on a car loan, and all kinds of things. I never got it, and just don't expect people to fulfill their promises.

A lot of people are unaffected by childhood events, but I am not one of them. I have always wondered why I act the way that I do and have the personality that I have. And over the last few years, I have thought about it and can only come up with the conclusion that I had a fucked up childhood. Some might say that I should get over it and let my what happened in the past go and move on with the future. It sounds so easy. But I invite these same people to examine how their childhood affects them.

Now that I have found the source of my personality woes, it's time for me to get myself together. I have been doing so for the last few years, but I still have a long way to go.



Blogger Kyon Saucier said...

Hey man at least ur on the way of trying to figure it all out... Peace man.

6:16 PM, July 17, 2007  
Blogger life said...

I didn't finish reading this I'll be back, but you were nice when we met.

8:50 PM, July 17, 2007  
Blogger Bernie said...

Also know that there is no shame in seeking professional help for these issues.

9:57 PM, July 17, 2007  
Blogger That Dude Right There said...

Thanks Bernie,

I actually did see a therapist back in college, but I think that it's time to see one again.

10:08 PM, July 17, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, I TOTALLY fucking know what you mean. I've had (and still have) moments where I just wish some people would just wake the hell up and lesson some of the idiocy that's already running amuck in this world. I was talking with a friend today and he said sometimes we have to be selfish for our own benefit because no one will cater to ourselves like we would.

As far as the anger thing, I truly believe it comes from a deeper root. Possibly childhood? (Just guessing) My father and I didn't get along for more than fifteen years. He was verbally abusive (never physical though) and extremely negative. I couldn't fucking stand him to the point I was willing to move my moms in with me just to get away from him (imagine the confused army guy that shot Kevin Spacey in Americna Beauty and how he treated his family). Two years ago, I was able to tell the man I love him and give him a hug. This is because I learned to forgive myself for being human and being vulnerable. Now, I give every person I interact with 100%. From there, it either stays there or depletes based on my interaction. I'm extremely fair-minded, but there's only very many voices of sanity amongst a throng of the insane.

As long as you don't let anyone take away your peace of mind, you've already won.('Nuff said)

11:02 PM, July 17, 2007  
Blogger E said...

It's good to see you assessing various aspects of the way you're living. It's our main way of growing.

I'm glad you're "Getting yourself together" Norris..:-)

11:40 PM, July 17, 2007  
Blogger Trent Jackson said...

I am gonna need me not to be over here in tears...

Right post, right time, right moment. It's so funny how you have something to say and even as a writer, I can't articulate the way I feel sometimes.

This post captured the way I am feeling in my life right now.

It's very difficult being who we are. It's difficult to find that balance...to be understood and it hurts.

But the beauty of all of that is realizing the problem and make a conscious decision, not effort to get our shit together.

Thanks so much for this post and being a great friend to me. I value you so much and I appreciate you so much and I cherish all the times we've spent together.

You're one of my favorite people - because you are you. And we can be who we are when we're around each other and that is a beautiful thing to experience.

We'll see each other soon...
oh and my mom apologizes for crashing the party!!! lol


1:05 AM, July 18, 2007  
Blogger Mr. Jones said...

Nothings wrong with being particular and even cantankerous IMHO. I'm perceived as both at times as well. Exercising some discretion is key though.

8:40 AM, July 18, 2007  
Blogger Ladynay said...

You not being a people person???? *gasp* REALLY???? LOL

I had to act silly, sorry.

Continue on your journey of figuring stuff out.

8:53 AM, July 18, 2007  
Blogger Valentino said...

Wow...its interesting how I waas just thinking about this yesterday. I think its a sign of growth when we realize how much our childhoods have affected us.

12:12 PM, July 18, 2007  
Blogger Cocoa Rican said...

A study in contrasts, I had both a very happy and a horrifyingly abusive childhood. I sometimes feel my upbringing makes me feel capable of doing, saying or overcoming anything. This isn’t exactly positive, just reality. That said, I put up a great front and most folks believe I am the most fun, frivolous, sexual and strong person…let’s just say I allow people to believe this and deal with my reality on my own. You’re human…we’re human. We have our good days and our bad. The thing that gets me through is that I’ve noticed that, on average, folks serve as mirrors of myself in my daily life. When I’m in a f*cked up mood, I get that in return… when I give that chipper-happy-go-lucky-animated cock-and-bull, I also get that. Live your life as you’d like it to be, not as it is. Smile at folks…it’s almost reflex for them to smile back. Enjoy the little things and recognize that you are at your prime. It’s life not a hey ride…that’s what I keep telling myself. Smile pa… it’s going to be great – if you make it that way.

12:58 PM, July 18, 2007  
Blogger Kensilo said...

All of our childhood expierences affects us one way or another in our lives. But as far as changing take it one day at a time.

2:54 PM, July 18, 2007  
Anonymous kennyking78 said...

Hey man. Very honest post. You have put the stuff out there in the atmosphere. Some people don't even get that far.

Believe me, all of our childhoods have affected us.

Just know that there is good in this world. I know that you know that, but I just felt like I had to say that. Surround yourself with people that love you. The good thing about being an adult is that we get a chance to sort of pick our own "family" when our own families have not been up to par in our lives.

I wish you well. You seem really spicy. I like that about you. When you mix that spicyness with inner peace you will be unstoppable, pa.

By the way, I about died laughing when I read that you refused to take the man's bags! Good for you!!!

4:35 PM, July 18, 2007  
Blogger Corey Keith said...

Our childhoods do have a profound affect on who we are and excavating the memories, the impact, and learning from the experiences of our childhood shapes us in major ways. Continue the search.

5:01 PM, July 18, 2007  
Blogger lj said...

You know it's almost scary how much you sound like my boyfriend sometimes. That negroe needs to Assess hisslef.

8:27 PM, July 18, 2007  
Blogger yet another black guy said...

at least you're willing to look at what may be the root cause of your behavior. everybody has a road to travel to get to where they want to be. seems like you're on your way.

11:57 PM, July 18, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can't be a leader in anything until you learn how to submit and become the dirt on the ground.

9:40 AM, July 21, 2007  

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