Randomness

I have been working like a man on a new job lately. Maybe because I am (I have only been on my job for a month). I have been trying to learn all that I can in the shortest period of time. I told my boss that I would like to try to do a site by myself and she was thrilled! Not many people are ready in 1 month. My first solo hotel opening is in Denver.

I'm moving to a new apartment tomorrow and I am so ready to move. I love my apartment where I am, but having a roommate will save me about $400 a month. I'll sacrifice privacy and all the other roommate shit if it will allow me to save that much money.

Never buy gas from QT in Atlanta. I have always bought gas from BP and Chevron and I can get about 400 city miles and about 450 highway miles. I filled up at QT and my tank was empty at 280 miles. Who ever said that the brand of gas doesn't matter was a fucking lie!

I went to the gym for the first time in a month and I am paying for it now. My shoulders are so soar that I can't turn my neck. I need to get back in my rhythm.

I still can't get VP out of my head or heart. I still talk to him when he calls. I wonder if it's love that I feel for him. I'm not sure, but it's a different feeling than I have ever felt before. I have NEVER been like this over a dude before and I do not like this feeling. Anybody got a magic potion to get rid of it?

Why have I been feeling like getting some 19 or 20 inch rims put on my car? I could have them today, but I keep thinking that I should pay off some debt with that money. But my car would be hot to death with some chrome shoes!

I'm through with love a dating for a while, but being single is hard a hell. The other night, I would have done just about anything for someone to hold me while I slept.

I am beginning to think that I am too skinny. Several people have said that they can see that I have lost weight. Is 175lbs too little for a dude that's 6'2" tall. Two months ago, I was at 185. I cut back on eating and have lost 10 pounds. I think that I may be manorexic.

Now that I am on a steady salary, I am finally able to put money in my savings account again. On that previous job, I was never able to save anything.

Has anybody else noticed how hot Sean Paul's videos are? I wish to God that I could dance like the people that he has. My favorite is and always will be "Get Busy."

I have decided to apply to law school for admission in the fall of 07. My biggest regret is not going immediately after undergraduate. Going at this point in life will mean taking out about $35,000 a year in loans because I won't be able to work and go to school, but it will be worth it in the end. I'm gonna be the next Jack McCoy or Teri Joseph.


Song on Repeat Today: I Ain't Never Loved A Man" Aretha Franklin from Aretha's Best Album.

America's Next Top Male Model?

My Take On Religion

This is a post that I have put off doing for quite some time because I didn't want to have to argue with anyone about my beliefs versus theirs. So before I begin, I will tell you this. If you leave any hateful or derogatory comments on this blog post, they will be deleted. The same goes for any rhetoric that attempts to promote religion.

I am not an athiest, nor agnostic. I do believe in a God, but that's about it. I have accepted the fact that I don't know anything about God. I don't KNOW if a God exist, but I do BELIEVE that there is a God. Something had to create us.

I am not a religious person. Not one bit. Now growing up, I was raised as a Baptist. I was in church almost every Sunday with my Grandmother and my Mother. My father did not go to church and as far as I know, did not practice any religion. Around the time that he died when I was 13, I noticed that my mother reduced her church attendance. I honestly was glad because I was tired of going. It seemed that all I ever heard was what not to do so that I won't go to hell. But honestly by this point, I had stopped believing in "the church." It seems that the only thing that I heard when there was people talking about each other, who was wearng what, who was doing what, who had a new car, who was whose daddy. I kept thinking that this wasn't what church was supposed to be. Where was the teaching, the love, the understanding, the acceptance?

I had read the bible and honestly, I was scared to even shit when I finished it. All I could think about was that I was going to hell for even enjoying life in the smallest amount. And then there was the fact that I KNEW (from the time I could comprehend it) that I was a homosexual. That honestly was what made me know that religion wasn't for me. I was not going to believe in something that told me that being who I am means that I will suffer in the afterlife. First off, I don't even know if I believe in an afterlife. And on top of that, I know that I did not choose to be gay. So why should I be punished for it.

Around my sophomore year in high school, there was a discussion among some students about what churches "we" attended. When I was asked, I told them that I did not attend church because I was not a Christian. I was vilified that day, but I stood strong in my beliefs. I had never felt so hated in my life. And by people who claimed to worship a "loving" God. Well, I told them all to kiss my natural black ass because none of them owned Heaven or Hell and couldn't put me there.

I honestly am tired of "people" telling me how to live my life because of their religion. I'm tired of people misquoting the the bible to scare me into believing in what they believe. Remember the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and The Billy Goat who refused to back down to Nebuchadnezzar? Well it never happened! Do you know why it never happened? Because there was no Billy Goat. The story was of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. How can I listen to people who misquote their own religious book.

There are a lot of reasons why I stopped practicing religion, but there is one that reigns supreme. I figured out something that a lot of people don't want to believe. Religion divides people. If you don't believe me, think about Sunday morning. That's the most segregated day of the week when people separate to attend church. Separated beliefs divide people, but a common belief unites them.

Thinking While Driving

Why do the losing contestants on The Apprentice never put their suitcase in the trunk of the taxi, but in the car with them?

Who the hell is Cuda Brown?

Why am I nervous about getting my HIV test today?

Why is a dude that I gave my number to 6 months ago just calling me?

Why do people on cell phones have to talk so damn loudly in public places?

Why the fuck do people lie to you when they know that you know they are lying?

Why do I only get horny during the daytime?

Why are there still places in the US where you cannot get mobile phone service?

Why do people pull out in front of people and go slow as hell?

Why do I no longer have a best friend?

Why did I not know that Beale Street in Memphis is the new Bourbon Street?

Why do I have cheap ass friends?

Why have I not had sex in 51 days and feel a sudden urge to go to the barber shop?

This Single Shit...

is for the fuckin birds. Right now, I am so fucking lonely that I actually feel as though I could cry. Ain't that some shit. I'm so lonely that VP has called me twice and I have damn near melted when I heard his voice (no I didn't go see him, but I wanted to).

I don't like this feeling, but I guess that I have to stick it out. But the funny thing is that I have had 2 guys try to holla at me in the last week. You know that this shit happens only when you are trying to be single.

I Wanna Be Gawjus!

For the last few years of my life, I have not felt attractive. I have that feeling that I wouldn't be attracted to myself if I weren't myself. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I think so many things could be improved.

My list:

Teeth-My teeth are almost white, but not all the way there. I would also like to reshape my smile and get rid of this gap. I want some damn braces. Other people don't see what I see for some reason.

Skin-I have acne scars from hell. Every 5 or six months, they will disappear and I will then have another bad bout with the bumps and those bitches come back.

Stomach-I want a flatter stomach and no love handles. No matter how much I exercise, the fat won't go away. I wish that I could afford liposuction.

Legs and arms-I want more muscular legs and arms. I have seen improvement in the months that I have been going to the gym, but I still have a long way to go.

Hair- My hair is nappy as a sheep's ass. Nothing that I have tried can keep my hair moisturized! That's why I cut the shit so low that it appears that there is none. But getting a haircut each week is expensive. But I don't want to be bald.

I don't want improvements for any reason other than to look good to myself. It's not for anyone else. I just want to be able to look at myself and FEEL that I have a nice physical.

The strange thing is that other people DO NOT see what I see. A lady was telling me today that I have beautiful teeth. I looked at her like she was loony. When I tell someone that I wish that I could get rid of these acne scars they say, "what scars?" Do I have some sort of body dysmorphic disorder or something.?

Madea Said It

I read Tyler Perry's new book "Madea's Uninhibited Commentaries on Love and Life" earlier this week. And of all the words in the book, none stood out like this one particular line.

Madea said "All these women wondering why they do out on a date and the man ain't calling in three days, he's not calling when he says he's going to call---baby, it's really simple. The man ain' t interested. If he wanted you, he'd call."

I have mentally been going through it with someone that I thought that I was through with. Can anyone (Mashaun, you already know) guess who it is? Yeah, it's VP. I thought that I was through with him, but I'm not. I don't want to go into detail of last week when I spent the night with him. But I will tell you that I ended up cursing him out and telling him that it really doesn't seem like he gives a shit about me. He swears that he cares about me, but that is something I no longer believe. We both wanted to have sex, but I told him hell no and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning and took my ass home. I haven't talked to him in a week. I haven't called. But I did send a text message that said "I guess I will leave you alone since you aren't finished being a player. But when you are, you know where to find me." I then proceeded to delete his phone number from his phone. Now deleting it from memory is gonna take some time.


I know that people are thinking that i'm dumb as hell for still dealing with this man. But I fucked up and fell in love with his ass around month three. He had me really thinking that I was what he wanted. I thought that I had actually found my 1 in a million. I guess not. But I now understand that the man ain't interested in me. That's a hard thing to accept, but it's the truth and I have to accept it.


At this point I'm tired. I'm tired of dealing with dating and relationships. Sick and damn tired of it. I'm tired of lies, broken promises, betrayal, and bullshit in general. I'm taking a much needed break from dating. I don't know how long it may be. A month, a year, or 5 years. But it's needed. I'm feeling like I have been holding my breath and waiting for a man to come along so that I can exhale. Well, I have passed the point of passing out and I need to breathe. And that's what I am gonna do.

Song on Repeat Today: "The Love I Never Had" Mary J. from the Mary Album

Answer Time #2

Since 4gotten1 asked me 20 questions, I figured that I would grant him is own post. Here we go!!!!!!!!!!

Questions:

1. What is your biggest regret and why?

I regret not going to law school when I finished college. I had a lot going on with my mother dying of cancer, relationship issues, financial shortages, and some other things. But I have refocused and will try to attend starting in fall of 2007. That give me just over a year go get my shit together. I regret it because I would have graduated and been practicing by now.

2. What is one thing u want to do but haven't gotten around to doing yet.

See number 1. I have put it off for years now because I felt like I wasn't in the financial position to do so. You can't work while in law school, but I will make a way. Even if I have to sell a little leg on the streets.

3. When are u and I going to get together to form the Atlanta Blogger Alliance(A.B.A) so we can give the NY bloggers a run for their money...we can do the monthly discussions and book clubs as well can't we...Show them our city isn't just sex.

I have often thought about this in my year of blogging. But you must remember that a lot of the NYC bloggers were friends before they started blogging. A lot of us have met after we started blogging. But I think that at least a night out at a restaurant or something together would start us off fine. When you are game, I am too. And I know thatat least Mashaun would participate.

4.Do you think there is someone out there for you?

Yes, of course there is. But I have also decided to not sit and wait for him to appear. I am gonna continue my life as I want to until he arrives.

5.Are u out to your family?

Not officially, but they know that I am gay. My sister is a lesbian, so she figured it out. My brothers have all been to my house and have noticed my calendars, my books and all that kind of stuff. So yeah, they know.

6.What do u feel is the biggest myth about black gay men.

That we can't sustain relationships. That's bullshit if I have ever seen any.

7. Are you happy?

I am quite happy. But if you really are asking if I am satisfied with my life, I will day not yet and I don't think that I will be anytime soon.

8. What is the #1 most important thing someone who is interested in a friendship with u should know?

That you should always be honest with me because I will do the same with you.

9.When was the last time you had sex with someone you actually loved?

July 2004 when me and Dreads hooked up (2.5 years after we broke up).

10. Would you ever adopt Children?

Not would, but when. I have always wanted a family and I will adopt children one day, partner or no.

11.If it were legal would you marry a man?

Is fat meat greasy! Hell yes. But I would really have to be committed to this man for life before I think about marriage.

12.Who would you say has been your biggest cheerleader in life, and why?

No one, but me. It doesn't really seem like anyone has been pulling for me except me.

13. What is your definition of cheating?

Cheating is ANYTHING that you would do with someone that you wouldn't do in front of your partner.

14. What was the last book you read?

E. Lynn Harris' "I Say A Little Prayer". I'm going to keep my opinion of it under wraps.

15. How often do u masturbate?

It depends on my mood. Sometimes once a week, and sometimes 3-4 times a day.

16.Who or what has had the biggest impact on your life and how?

I think that my parents not being very encouraging of anything that I did made me the independent person that I am. I had to do most of the things that I have done with no backup.

17. What is your worst habit?

Talking too damn much. I divulge too much of my personal life to friends. I need to keep some secrets to myself.

18. Physically what is your best feature?

People tell me that I have a nice ass and legs.

19.Do you enjoy porn?

Not really. But I do watch it sometimes.

20.When it is all said and done how would u like to be remembered?

Of all thw questions that you have asked, this is the one that I honesly do know how to answer.



4Gotten1, I do thank you for asking all of these questions. See what happens to the squeakiest wheel?

Answer Time

As I promised, here are the answers to all of the questions that were asked.

D-Place asked: A lot of Black people have moved to Atlanta, I have contemplated it myself on occaision. Do you like it in Atlanta and ifs, what do you like about it? I just can't figure out what is so good about it?

Answer: I can't tell you why others move to Atlanta, but I can tell you that I just love the city. The first time I visited back in 1997, I said that I would make Atlanta my home. I moved away for a few years, but I am back to stay. I am a Southerner for sure and I love Atlanta because it's a Southern city and I don't feel stressed living here like I did in Chicago. I love the blackness of the city. There is no place in the metro area where one can go and not see our presence. The same goes for the gayness of the city. And lastly, Atlanta just feels like home to me.

Bernie asked: When a relationship you've been in has come to an end, were you more likely to remain optomistic that there's someone else out there for your, or grow pessimistic that you might never find anyone?

Answer: It's strange that you asked this at this time. In the past, after a relationship or situation ended, I would be ready for the next one. But lately I have been feeling like staying single to avoid the trouble. I now feel like I could be single for the rest of my life and be fine with that. Believe me, there will be a posting about this in the near future.

LadyNay asked: Since you began dating, what is the longest length of time you've been completely single, meaning folk on the side for those lonely nights

Answer: Way back in 1998 I went 6 months of no dating and no sex. Then I got horny and called an ex and we started dating and having sex again.

The Captain Asked: Are you picky in dating anyone?

Answer: Yes I am, as everyone should be. I refuse to date someone just to do it. My point in dating is to find someone to connect with so that I can have a spouse or life partner. So yes, I am picky.

ProfessorGQ asked: 1. If you became mayor of Atlanta, what two changes you would make to improve the city immediately?2. What addictions do you have?3. Ain't my blog the bomb?

Answers: 1. Petition the state and federal govt to build better access highways around the city. This traffic is hell. And I would create an agency to ACTIVELY find people who are looking for work and help them find it. The unemployment agency just ain't cutting it. 2. I don't have any addictions that I can think of. 3. If you have to ask, you already know the answer.

E asked: If you had the funds to visit another country, where would you go? What would be your top three choices?

Answer: I would visit England, South Africa, and Australia. I love the accents!

4Gotten1 asked: Too many damn questions that will have to be answered in another post.

K Kaos asked: Does size matter? lolWhat's your most embarassing sexual experience?What is your biggest pet peeve?Have u ever inhaled?Who is your best friend in the whoe wide world?

Answers: 1. I am going to assume that you are talking about penises (dick to all the ghetto people like me). Hell yes size matters! And those who tell you that it doesn't are lying. But I am not saying that it has to be big, it just has to "fit" right. Not everyone wants a big ass dick tearing them apart. And not everyone wants a little ass dick stabbing in their walls.

2. I was having sex with a dude and he did something that hurt like hell. My reflexes made me kick him in the stomach to get him away from me. He was mad as hell and I was embarressed because I had kicked him. But we did have sex a few more times.

3. My biggest pet peeve is people who ask me for info that they can easily get for themselves. Damn brain leeches need to learn what Google is!

4. My best friend in the whole world is me. Nobody treats me better.