Sometimes I Sit and Wonder...

...about what my dreams and goals are. I think about those fantasical dreams that most people have such as winning the lottery, or living in some exotic local, or falling in love with someone who's in love with you.

But honestly, I don't know what I truly dream about having in my life. I don't know what I want. I can't figure it out. I know i'd like to have a loving, supportive partner. I know i'd like to have a career as an attorney. I know i'd like to have a lil wealth. But are those dreams? I don't think that they are. I believe that dreams are those things that you think you can't achieve, but you strive to make them come true.

So I think that's what my 2009 will be about. It's time to figure out how to make my dreams become reality.

I've Had My Share...

...of sex over the years. And now I want to just ramble on about it. It's just been on my mind lately that I have had a lot of sex over the years and now I feel kinda slutty about it. Luckily i'm still untainted and healthy.

I think that I had the most sexual partners during the years of 2005 and 2006. I was a true sexual being. During those 2 years, I think that I had about 20 different sexual partners. To some that may seem like a lot and to others that may seem like not too many. During those 2 years, I was completely single and free to do what I wanted. I just felt like I could do what I whatever, whenever, and whoever I wanted. Although I always used condoms, I was scared each time I took an HIV test or and STD screening. Well, I have slowed down in my old age. I still have sex every now and then, but not as frequently or with as many people.

Now this year, I have added to the number of sexual partners, but not in the number that I did in previous years. I guess it's because I actually want to date someone. I want to wait to have sex until I actually know someone before I have sex. I don't want my first memory of being with someone to be of us moving furniture and putting holes in the wall. I would so much rather have a first memory of a real date. But brothas don't seem to know what a date is anymore.

I still have had a few hookups recently, but I have a rule in place. If I meet a dude and all he wants is sex, then that's all he gets. After we hookup, I don't want to see him again. There will be no dating after a sexual hookup. NONE! Then there are the brothas that like to tell you what they think you want to hear so that they can get in your pants. They tell you that they want to to date or even get serious one day. But their intention is to have sex as soon as they can. I can smell these brothas a mile away. Sometimes, like Monday night, I go ahead and have sex with them. Most times, I just tell them that they aren't getting any and get as far away from them as possible. But I've made a decision that i'm going to have to stick with.

I've decided to abstain from sex. I've said this to myself several times and haven't stuck to it. But there have been 2 times in my life where I did abstain for 6 months or more. It wasn't fun, but I was assured that I wasn't going to catch an STD or HIV. This time i'm older, wiser, and a lot more patient. I can do it this time.

The reason that I'm abstaining is that I:

1. Don't want to catch an STD or HIV. No explanation needed.

2. I want to actually feel something for the next person I have sex with other than lust.

3. Casual sex has just gotten boring. I used to hookup because I liked sex and having sex made me feel wanted. But that shit has gotten old.

4. Did I say that I wanted to remain HIV and STD free.

So, i'm going to just hold out on sex until i'm seriously dating someone. There will be no more first night sex. No more sleepovers soon after or the day we meet. No more sex or any kind, oral, anal or foreplay after January 1, 2009. NONE!!!

I'm going to break out the ring that Jaila gave me last year and wear it on my hand instead of on my necklace. When I get tempted i'll show it to the tempter and let him know of my plan. The quickest way to run a brotha off is to let him know that your abstaining from sex until a you have a committment.

Let's see what happens!!!!

Update 12/21/08

Hey people!!! I know I haven't been blogging as much lately, but I promise to do so more often. I have been doing so much and working a lot, so I don't have a lot of time. But then again, sitting in from of the TV watching Sunday Football is a good time to blog. So here are some updates on what's going on with me.

1. I gotta mention the new ride. I am loving it so far. I have features in the Infiniti that I didn't have in the Maxima. I now have heated leather seats, a 6 disc in dash CD changer, Xenon lights, and just the aura of having luxury brand.

2. I am not dating anyone. I was for about a month, but I just wasn't feeling him as much as I could. I felt like because he was a nice dude, I could force myself to like him and in hopes that we could be couple. I quickly realized that wasn't gonna happen.

3. I am trying to date though. But dudes don't know what a date is. I've met 2 dudes in the last 2 weeks that thought that a date meant that the night would end with sex. If we don't discuss sex beforehand, it's not going to happen. It just isn't gonna happen the first time we go out. I'll do it when I feel comfortable doing so.

4. My job is consuming a lot of my time since my unofficial promotion. In addition to my regular duties, I am also taking support calls. But the work is satisfying. I spent 3 hours Friday on the phone with one of our team members solving a problem that was solved my moving a decimal point. It felt good to fix an issue that people with more seniority couldn't figure out!!!!

5. I have been in the best mood that I have been in in years. I guess it does take something traumatic for you to realize that you can't just exist, you have to make life happen. I keep a positive attitude now as much as I can. I smile whenever possible. And I try to be as courteous as possible to other people. It's made a world of difference.

6. I went Christmas shopping this year. I bought gifts for my brother and sister-in-law, my nephew, and my best friend. This is big for me because I haven't bought Christmas gifts in years. Since I have a lil cash to spend, I may go out and buy a few more gifts. I know that this isn't what the season is all about, but it's just something that I wanted to do.

7. I'm going to be in New York City for New Years. It's for work, but just the fact that I get to be there is exciting. I am most definitely going to be in Times Square to see the ball drop!!!! And hopefully i'll get to hang out with some friends and bloggers while there.

8. I can't get it out of my head that I want a boyfriend. I want someone that I can talk to on a daily basis and see when I get home. I just want to feel something for someone. I just haven't met any quality dudes that I want to actually have something with.

9. I got together with my friends last night to play cards and have a good time. I had to sit back for a minute and think about how lucky I was to have friends that I love and who love me. Not everyone can say that.

10. I've started going back to the gym. I'm not going to say that this time will be any different time than the other hundred times i've started going. But this time, I know that I have to go because I need to lower my blood pressure. The medication isn't doing anything and i'm tired of switching medications every year. I'm going to try exercise for 3 months and if that doesn't work, i'm going to get a new doctor that treat hypertension instead of just medicating it.

The One Thing That's... (Updated)

...Kept me sane since my car accident is my belief that everything that happens is part of God's plan. I let things happen as they happen and I deal with the consequences as they come.

I'll elaborate more later.

Ok. Now it's time to elaborate. But for the first time in my blog i'm not going to tell what happened to send me into a week of depression.

As I stated earlier, I believe that everything that happens to us (as a part of fate) is a part of God's plan. What I mean by that is that (as the old folks used to say) God planned my life for me before I was born. I no longer question why things happen to me when they do happen.

Here's what happened. I was heading home and got on West Peachtree so that I could get onto the Buford Highway ramp so that I could get on Lenox Road to drop a friend off at his house. As I was rounding the first sharp curve, I noticed 2 cars racing up behind me. I decreased my speed as a precaution, but when the first car went past me, he cut in front of me and a damn near hit my car. My first instinct was to hit the brakes, which my mind knew was not the right thing to do on a curve, but my foot had a mind of its own. The next thing I know, I had hit the guardrail, spun around and hit it 2 more times before coming to a complete stop. We immediately jumped out of the car and checked to see the 3 of us were ok. No one was injured. Someone called the police, who was there immediately. Luckily, there was a guy who saw what happened who stopped also and gave his account of the incident to the police.

While I was waiting on the police officer to arrive, I looked at my car and just let out a loud wail. I couldn't believe that I survived without a scratch on my body. All 6 of my airbags deployed and because we all were safely in our seatbelts, the airbags didn't touch us. Needless to say, my car was a total loss.

What spun me into depression was just the thought that each time I start to get a little ahead, something major happens and I feel like I have been pulled back. After the accident, I found out that I actually didn't have GAP insurance on my car. I bought GAP insurance when I initially purchased the car, but then I refinanced it immediately after I bought it. It was my belief that I had included the insurance when I refinanced the car, but I hadn't. The insurance company decided to pay for the cash value of my car which was about $6000 less than what I owed. I was floored and depressed in the fact that I had to pay for a car that I no longer would have to drive.

Luckily I was off the following week and didn't have to go anywhere. All I did was lie around the house and sulk for 5 days. I just felt like giving up on life. But then something hit me. "How exactly does one give up on life?" I had no clue!

And then I remembered that God lets things happen for a reason. I had to remind myself of that. Once I did, I started to feel better. I also realized that I was fortunate enough to have another vehicle to drive. I was fortunate enough to have the money to cover my deductible in case they decided to try to fix my car. I was fortunate enough to STILL BE ALIVE!!!!

Things started to look up last week when I got a check in the mail from my old company. If you all remember or not, they went bankrupt back in April and terminated us with no notice. Then when I found out that my GAP insurance wasn't in effect, the customer service representative told me that I was due a refund since that contract was replaced.

I used those to checks as a down payment on my new car. A 2005 Infiniti G35x!!!! I love it. I got it for about $4000 less than retail. That came in handy because I was able to add that $6000 in negative equity to my new loan. So I don't have to pay for (in a way) the old car and for a new car.

I believe that things like this happen to remind you that God is still there for you. And I'll leave it at that.