Just Let It Out
For the last few weeks I have really been feeling pretty depressed about the state of my life. I'm not surprised, because I always feel this way around this time of year and I know exactly why. This is the time of year when people are all excited about being with family and celebrated what family means to them. I am actually envious of people who have family to celebrate with and that shows them love. I honestly don't feel like I have that. And a lot of times, I feel like I never have.
I have always felt like the outcast of the family. I always noticed how in my younger years at family get togethers I always felt like an outsider. I know that that that feeling is because I was adopted and just didn't feel like a true part of the family. Let alone the fact that I was ALWAYS reminded that I was adopted. I would always hear comments such as "he's not our real brother; my parents adopted him." Once my mother was talking to a friend about "her baby" turning 16 years of age. I can still remember saying "but moma i'm only 9 years old" and her saying "not you, my real baby." When everyone heard this, they all laughed. I ran from the room and hid in my closet for about 8 hours. I think that I cried for about 7 of those 8 hours. And the saddest part of that was that no one even noticed that I was gone. I had never felt more hurt in my life and I honestly wanted to die.
From that point on, my closet (how ironic) became my hiding place. Whenever I felt hurt or in some emotional pain, I would hide in the closet so that no one would see the hurt. Right now, I feel like I am still hiding in that clost because I really don't associate with too many members of my family. They never know what's going on in my life because I don't talk about my life to them. When questions are asked, I give short succint answers to let them know not to ask anything else. My life is still in that closet.
My life remains in that closet when it comes to my family. I know that they all know that I am homosexual, but I have never discussed that side of my life with anyone in my family except my sister (she's a lesbian). I just wouldn't know how to feel if the subject were brought up. After years of listening to all of the homo-hating language that they spoke, I don't want to let them know about my life and what's going on in it. I don't want them thinking that I am all of the stereotypes that they believe about homosexual men. I would rather not talk about it.
But sometimes I feel that I should. I feel that I should confirm my homosexuality so that they don't have to guess and wonder. But I know that once I do, all feelings will change. It's like at that very moment, they will forget that I am the same person that I always have been. Therefore, I choose to stay in that closet. Even though, the door is wide open and they can see in, I don't want to walk out.
But I am wondering if when I confirm my homosexuality, will these yearly bouts of depression end? Will they accept me as a family instead of "the gay one" that everyone tolerates? Will I say "fuck all of ya'll" and never speak to anyone in my family again? I don't know, and I wonder if I truly want to know.
I have always felt like the outcast of the family. I always noticed how in my younger years at family get togethers I always felt like an outsider. I know that that that feeling is because I was adopted and just didn't feel like a true part of the family. Let alone the fact that I was ALWAYS reminded that I was adopted. I would always hear comments such as "he's not our real brother; my parents adopted him." Once my mother was talking to a friend about "her baby" turning 16 years of age. I can still remember saying "but moma i'm only 9 years old" and her saying "not you, my real baby." When everyone heard this, they all laughed. I ran from the room and hid in my closet for about 8 hours. I think that I cried for about 7 of those 8 hours. And the saddest part of that was that no one even noticed that I was gone. I had never felt more hurt in my life and I honestly wanted to die.
From that point on, my closet (how ironic) became my hiding place. Whenever I felt hurt or in some emotional pain, I would hide in the closet so that no one would see the hurt. Right now, I feel like I am still hiding in that clost because I really don't associate with too many members of my family. They never know what's going on in my life because I don't talk about my life to them. When questions are asked, I give short succint answers to let them know not to ask anything else. My life is still in that closet.
My life remains in that closet when it comes to my family. I know that they all know that I am homosexual, but I have never discussed that side of my life with anyone in my family except my sister (she's a lesbian). I just wouldn't know how to feel if the subject were brought up. After years of listening to all of the homo-hating language that they spoke, I don't want to let them know about my life and what's going on in it. I don't want them thinking that I am all of the stereotypes that they believe about homosexual men. I would rather not talk about it.
But sometimes I feel that I should. I feel that I should confirm my homosexuality so that they don't have to guess and wonder. But I know that once I do, all feelings will change. It's like at that very moment, they will forget that I am the same person that I always have been. Therefore, I choose to stay in that closet. Even though, the door is wide open and they can see in, I don't want to walk out.
But I am wondering if when I confirm my homosexuality, will these yearly bouts of depression end? Will they accept me as a family instead of "the gay one" that everyone tolerates? Will I say "fuck all of ya'll" and never speak to anyone in my family again? I don't know, and I wonder if I truly want to know.
Labels: Depression, family
posted by That Dude Right There at
11/28/2006 10:26:00 PM
9 Comments
