Romance Without Finance...Maybe
Why does it seem that all of the dudes that I date seem to be lacking in funds? Why? Why? Why? I am by no means rich and often am low on funds myself, but I always have some money . *figure that out* It seems that most of the brothas that I meet are just broke. I don't know if it's a lack of money or mismanagement of money, but it's frustrating to want to go out with a brotha and have to hear the words "I don't have any money." Well, we aren't going!
I fully understand that situations arise that cause you to have to spend your dough. I understand that a person's situation may not be the best. But the brothas that I am meeting seem to be on a perpetual broke cycle. I'll explain the dude that I am dating now.
He's 34 years old and is in what he calls the worst financial situation of his life. He makes $9.50 per hour and has no insurance, no car, bad credit, and his father pays his rent. At 34 years old, I just believe that a man or woman should have ish together or be on the way to doing so. When he told me that his father was paying his rent, I almost got up and walked out. He started crying and telling me how he doesn't feel like a man because he can't take care of himself. I was thinking to myself "why do I keep meeting these brotha's?" I even asked myself "Is this what I will have to settle for?"
But then something hit me. This one is different from the others. He was completely honest about his situation from the beginning. Instead of going out to eat, he cooks dinner for the 2 of us. He doesn't have a car, but gets to work everyday.
I actually think that he is trying. But that is not to say that his financial situation is not on my mind. I keep thinking about a possible future with this man. What happens when we decide to buy a house and his credit is still bad? Do I just put it in my name? Will in the next few months he ask to borrow my car to do something? *Note: No one drives my car if I am not in it anymore!!!!!* Will he expect me to pay for everything when we go out? What happens if his situation does not improve?
Finance is thing that I have to think about if I am ever to completely let my feelings get involved with someone. Yes, I want a man to do nice things for me and to be there for me and be attractive, but finances are an important part of any situation. More important than sex if you ask me. But the thing that I have to remember is that his financial situation is not my issue. It's his. I was going to just let this situation burn, but as long as I remember that this is his issue and not mine, I can sustain. But if I see that he isn't making an effort to do better, i'm out.
I fully understand that situations arise that cause you to have to spend your dough. I understand that a person's situation may not be the best. But the brothas that I am meeting seem to be on a perpetual broke cycle. I'll explain the dude that I am dating now.
He's 34 years old and is in what he calls the worst financial situation of his life. He makes $9.50 per hour and has no insurance, no car, bad credit, and his father pays his rent. At 34 years old, I just believe that a man or woman should have ish together or be on the way to doing so. When he told me that his father was paying his rent, I almost got up and walked out. He started crying and telling me how he doesn't feel like a man because he can't take care of himself. I was thinking to myself "why do I keep meeting these brotha's?" I even asked myself "Is this what I will have to settle for?"
But then something hit me. This one is different from the others. He was completely honest about his situation from the beginning. Instead of going out to eat, he cooks dinner for the 2 of us. He doesn't have a car, but gets to work everyday.
I actually think that he is trying. But that is not to say that his financial situation is not on my mind. I keep thinking about a possible future with this man. What happens when we decide to buy a house and his credit is still bad? Do I just put it in my name? Will in the next few months he ask to borrow my car to do something? *Note: No one drives my car if I am not in it anymore!!!!!* Will he expect me to pay for everything when we go out? What happens if his situation does not improve?
Finance is thing that I have to think about if I am ever to completely let my feelings get involved with someone. Yes, I want a man to do nice things for me and to be there for me and be attractive, but finances are an important part of any situation. More important than sex if you ask me. But the thing that I have to remember is that his financial situation is not my issue. It's his. I was going to just let this situation burn, but as long as I remember that this is his issue and not mine, I can sustain. But if I see that he isn't making an effort to do better, i'm out.
Labels: Dating, Finance, Relationships
posted by That Dude Right There at
1/22/2007 06:23:00 PM
11 Comments:
Its his issue not yours...thats smart.
I was just asking myself why do I keep attracting the same type of men and what do I have to do to change that.
I keep telling these married folks to really consider what they have before they run to the promise land of singleness. Its not all that.
Seems to me if you keep your head on right with this one...and he actually does get himself together you might have a winner. Did he say WHY he is in such a situation? if you care to share.
Did he give any information on how he got into that situation? $9.50 is low for someone that age. Did he lose a better paying job?
@J and Anonymous-He says that he got into this situation running from a failed relationship. He moved to Atlanta and couldn't find a job in his field.
@KennyKing78-This is something that he can fix. Now if he was showing behavioral problems, then it would be over before it starts. Like you said, there's nothing wrong with company. But I don't see a relationship in the near future with anyone anyway.
My first thoughts are hell nawl! However, you list some very important character traits. Inspite of the circumstance there some to be a counter position, which is always great, but is it good enough? I don't know money is a BIG issue. I would advise you not to invest too much into the future. Just take it one step at a time and let it flow. Oh and money is much more than sex. Sex is a moment, but money is a way of life.
If this guy has such nice character that you are attracted to him, but is having trouble getting things together, hold up at a friendship for the time being. See if he really is pulling things together, and be supportive of his attempts to do so. If things continue to look good, then let the relationship grow. In my experience, relationships that I allowed to grow slowly and organically turned out to be better in the long haul anyway.
You've written some things that show great depth of character. Don't allow an infatuation to distract you and toss everything to the wind.
In regards to house and such - I received really good advice from an attorney years ago, and it's worked handsomely. The gist is this, "If you buy a house, let one of the partners buy it, take the loan, etc. Then do a separate agreement about the the true ownership, with the percentage owned being in proportion to the income that each brings to the matter. Allow each party an out, with the percent of ownership to be paid for each partner's equity." It's worked great. And if you own the car, you drive it. Period.
Good luck, man. I wish you the best.
I agree..that shit is not cute on a grown ass man....maybe a stuggling college student but u seem to be going about it the right way. I have the same problem myself with men. I hafta lie about my living arrangement just so they wont try to mooch off of me and try to move in. I learned the hard way that LOVE DONT pay the bills. My sister wouldnt marry her man at first cuz his credit was bad, now her credit is worse and his aint, and now she wants to get married......From what I read, he's trying. HE's making a conscience effort. Maybe u can be a positive influence and help him to overcome his obstacles.
I'll be in the ATL for a booksigning in a few weeks. I hope to get to meet you!
Seems to me like your doing the right thing.
I cosign on the car thing. I have had 2 cars totaled when I wasn't in them!
Dizzam!!! 34 years old? I know that people go through hard times, but at some point finances can be the cause of many arguments. At least he has been honest & appears to be trying. If you really like him, stick it out & see what happens. Having you in the picture might make him try even harder to get it together.
I’m as open-minded as the next person, but here are a few things to consider…
** You say his current financial disaster hinges on his hasty run from a previous relationship and not being able to find a job in his field.
Should he be dating right now? Should he be focusing on getting his emotional and financial life together before trying to share his (apparently) shattered remains with someone new?
** You say he makes $9.50 an hour, gets his rent paid and still doesn’t have money.
Although that isn’t much money to make an hour, once you remove the major money vaccum that rent is, he should have some money in his pocket. I mean, the brother doesn’t have a car to speak for. Something sounds a bit fishy here. Is he still saddled with bills from his past?
** You say you’re looking for a partner that can eventually settle down and purchase property with you while sharing a fulfilling life together.
Sometimes we suffer from self-sabotage. If your dream is to own property with a partner and build a future together, you’ve already chosen a partner that is set to fail and one who will disappoint you. At the very least, you will be asked to shoulder the brunt of all financial projects…are you ready to take on that responsibility? What is the real benefit here? You’re basically trying to take a Honda Civic to the Indy 500 and expecting to win.
** I believe in love as much as anyone, but I also believe that if we choose partners that already lack so many of the qualities we seek, we are just setting ourselves up for failure. Hey, you’re smart, handsome and young. You have yourself together enough to buy into that brand-new modest home…why try to get the old-mansion that’s a fixer-upper?
Heh...why do ou attract those types? Do you think you have a bailing them out complex? I know you don't...I'm just messing...:-)
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