You've Been Rejected! What Do You Do?
Rejection! We all done it to someone and we all have been subjected to it. We all know that we want a dude who has everything we want and if he doesn't, then he'll most likely be rejected Whether those are things like height, a sufficient sized dick or ass, money in the bank, a specific waist size, skin tone, or what have you. We know what we want and we don't want to settle for less. But what I don't understand is how people get upset when you tell them that they don't meet your preferences
I know as gay black men, we all have seen and heard things such as no fats/no fems, dark/light skinned only, height/weight proportionate, and black men/white men only. Some brothas are downright mean with rules lists longer than the NFL and those are the ones who I avoid. But I respect the preferences in what he is looking for. If he says no tall dudes allowed, then i'm not gonna try to press forward. I remember once I was at a club and saw a dude who was about 5'5" with a nice muscular build. I thought that he was attractive so I stepped to him and tried to see what he was about. About 3 minutes into the conversation, he told me that he doesn't like guys who are much taller than him. I WAS REJECTED!!!! But I didn't get upset.
My response was "I gotcha" and I walked my ass away to the bar. Why would it upset me if I wasn't what he liked? He looked quite shocked that I wasn't upset.
If a brotha tells me that I am not his type, I don't get upset. I just move on. We all know that men are visual creatures, so if a dude can look at me and tell that I am not in his list of preferences, then oh well. I'm just not. I have seen dudes get damn near suicidal because a dude told him that he wasn't his type. Back in college a friend of mine who happened to be overweight met a dude and they went out on a date. Near the end of the date, the dude told him that he was too heavy to date. After he got home, he called me in tears telling be about how he was gonna kill himself because no one wanted him because he was fat. I wasn't a very tactful person back then so I told him that if he felt that way, then he had 2 choices: Lose weight or just slit his wrist. *I knew he wasn't gonna kill himself anyway*
I think that self-esteem and self-image have a lot to do with how people react to rejection. I have high self-esteem and self image, so I don't take rejection to heart or mind. But there are some people who need validation from others in order to feel good about themselves. People, seriously, we need to wake up and smell the coffee. You DO NOT need someone else to validate you. If you are waiting on others to do that, you'll be waiting for the rest of your life. You have to do it for yourself.
The next time a brotha rejects you, just let it go. You may lose a little pride, but try to retain your dignity. You can't be every dudes' type, but you are someone's type. You can't control how other people treat you, but you can control how you react to them. You can't blah, blah, blah... I think you all get the picture.
I know as gay black men, we all have seen and heard things such as no fats/no fems, dark/light skinned only, height/weight proportionate, and black men/white men only. Some brothas are downright mean with rules lists longer than the NFL and those are the ones who I avoid. But I respect the preferences in what he is looking for. If he says no tall dudes allowed, then i'm not gonna try to press forward. I remember once I was at a club and saw a dude who was about 5'5" with a nice muscular build. I thought that he was attractive so I stepped to him and tried to see what he was about. About 3 minutes into the conversation, he told me that he doesn't like guys who are much taller than him. I WAS REJECTED!!!! But I didn't get upset.
My response was "I gotcha" and I walked my ass away to the bar. Why would it upset me if I wasn't what he liked? He looked quite shocked that I wasn't upset.
If a brotha tells me that I am not his type, I don't get upset. I just move on. We all know that men are visual creatures, so if a dude can look at me and tell that I am not in his list of preferences, then oh well. I'm just not. I have seen dudes get damn near suicidal because a dude told him that he wasn't his type. Back in college a friend of mine who happened to be overweight met a dude and they went out on a date. Near the end of the date, the dude told him that he was too heavy to date. After he got home, he called me in tears telling be about how he was gonna kill himself because no one wanted him because he was fat. I wasn't a very tactful person back then so I told him that if he felt that way, then he had 2 choices: Lose weight or just slit his wrist. *I knew he wasn't gonna kill himself anyway*
I think that self-esteem and self-image have a lot to do with how people react to rejection. I have high self-esteem and self image, so I don't take rejection to heart or mind. But there are some people who need validation from others in order to feel good about themselves. People, seriously, we need to wake up and smell the coffee. You DO NOT need someone else to validate you. If you are waiting on others to do that, you'll be waiting for the rest of your life. You have to do it for yourself.
The next time a brotha rejects you, just let it go. You may lose a little pride, but try to retain your dignity. You can't be every dudes' type, but you are someone's type. You can't control how other people treat you, but you can control how you react to them. You can't blah, blah, blah... I think you all get the picture.
posted by That Dude Right There at
1/16/2008 10:53:00 PM
13 Comments:
You make a good point. It’s a little easier said than done, for some people though.
Norris, I'ma bust your ass! you don't tell that boy to lose weight or slit your wrist.... mmm mmm mmm..... This is a lesson that I had to learn the hard way. I don't really have many problems with guys that I don't know rejecting me cuz... I don't know them. I have issues with dudes that I do know and dudes that I've been with for say 5 months or 3 months and they just come out with "you're not really my type". That's when I begin to break dishes.
now i know why u and i click the way we do. Cause while I may not have actually said that to dude i would have definately thought it exactly the way you said it. We are so matter of fact about stuff...thats why i loves ya!
and u have a point (of course). People tend to want to be like the celebs and appeal to the masses. that makes no sense.
those same people would be pissed if someone settled for them and then got mad later and said that they really didnt like "xyz" in the first place right.
Preach it Norris. Learning that only I can validate myself has been the toughest one for me to learn. I've been guilty in the past of messaging guys to death on Crack4Crack that had absolutely no interest in me and made that clear either by saying so or not responding period. Part of the reason I would still email was the thrill of the chase and hoping I can change their mind. But I had to learn that doing such things is futile and as you say, you can't control what people like. Just as I can't control what I like as well since you know I've had to reject folks left and right myself...*LOL*.
One more reason for emailing was there was this safety of being a screen name involved. I'd never push up on a guy in public that didn't show any interest...*LOL*.
@Cash-You are correct, but if you don't want to spend your life under the control of others, you need to build some self-esteem
@Jared-Make sure that those aren't you dishes you are breaking!
@J-You know we share the same brain! I've noticed that from reading your blog.
@E-At least you learned to validate yourself. There are some people in their mid-life who haven't learn that yet.
I agree with all of you guyz including the author but I think that there is a way to reject people too that many males like us do not even attempt to put into practice. You can be tactful and kindly tell someone there is just no chemistry but I'd love to be your friend (if that's what you feel). Some people go out of their way to be mean and nasty to others and I don' feel that's right.
Case and point this White dude who looked like a meth demon...God he was gross has been seeing me out lately and tries to holla...Each time I let him no politely that I'm happy with my man (not like it's hard though he's horrific to lay eyes upon), and go on my way. I won't tell him he looks gross, I just let him know I don't feel him.
I guess my thing is people can reject others nicely and that seems to happen very rarely in our communities...
Sorry I got on a soap box.
hmmm yet another interesting post...that dude there i love it... Rejection hmm i say you can't miss what you never had...I have felt the blow of rejection quite a few times and at first i was f*cked up about it becasue i felt like i was young,nice looking successful, shyt who wouldnt want me....but you just have to realize that your not everyone's cup of "T"...so i just changed up my way of thinking.... now im cool cause shyt u keep your money for not going out on pointless dates that aren't leading anywhere lol also i stay clear of those with laundry lists of "I DONT LIKE'S" because there's something fishy about that shyt
Rejection is something that a lot of people have trouble dealing with, whether they are straight or gay, male or female, black or white. Its not just just confined to personal relationships, but to job interviews when you get that letter 2 weeks later stating that a company is not interested in you as well as many other situations that I can't think of right now.
People write books, produce TV shows and set up psychiatric practices in regards to rejection because it is such a difficult human emotion or subject to deal with. I reject things and people and all the time, and I am rejected by others even more I think.
It is never easy for me to be on either side of the coin, but you are right, if you don't get over rejection, then you don't move forward and then you're just stuck in that mire.
A-fucking-men!
Too many people get all caught up in their shortcomings. I learned a long time ago that I can't do shit about what somebody else does, but I can modify the hell out of my behavior.
I don't approach men often but when I do and get rejected b/c of my weight or age or whatever, I consider it a hair flip (thanks Chris Crocker!). I move on. That's really all you can do...move on!
It's so funny that you posted this two days ago, but I didn't read it until today. I needed this post.
Thanks, TDRT!!!
Great post...
I've never been rejected, but I suspect it would be difficult...LOL
...but seriously pa, like the saying goes...there is a lid for every pot.
Those tactless rejections are blessings in disguise.
Good content!
However, I would like to add one point.
What can anyone do if rejection is rooted by truth and reality? In your example, a preference of another is a wish, but depending on the type of rejection, based of of factual circumstances, whereby you see the raw reality of what your peers dislike concerning you takes on a whole new life dealing with this matter. The dichtomy of individual (self) and society (others) must dwell harmoniously, but with the everlasting rejection of (others) based on who you are and what you appear, drives people to reality that they are sub-standards. Sadly enough, your self-esteem and self-image is not created by you- it is created by the (others). In other words, these are your "Social Forces".
Suicide is the answer to those who have no way of escape the rejection they feel deep inside.
I actually hold suicide victims in high regard because they see things and know things people normally do not have the ability to see. These people are not crazy or mentally challenge, they just see a stark reality others are not willing to acknowledge or even know exist around them.
BTW- There is no such thing as validating yourself.
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