Tuesday, December 27, 2005

So Much Shit

I have so much shit on my mind right now that I had to let it our here.

First, VP and I are going through a little something. I don't think that he really wants the relationship that he said he wanted when we started talking. That was one of the things that attracted me to him. Or it could be that he doesn't want me. So you can probably guess that the attraction is waning. I also did something to him that I shouldn't have done. Let's just say that it involved an alternate profile on A4A and he didn't know that he was talking to me. I'm gonna stick it out and see what happens. I ain't giving up!

I still haven't figured out what I want to do with my life as far as a career is concerned. I love what I do, but this travel is getting to me. I want a 9 to 5. It's time to start searching for another job.

I know that I want kids in my life. I decided yesterday that I will adopt at least 2 whethere I have a partner of not. And I want to do so by the time I am 35.

I didn't celebrate Christmas this year. I just ain't feel it and I haven't felt it since my mother died in 2001.

I'm still broke and recovering from missing those 3 paychecks back in August and September. We get paid only for the days that we work and I was off for a month. I had used my savings to pay down some bills. When I shore it up again, it will be for emergencies only. By the end of January, I should be back in saving mode. It's amazing that being off for one month can take this long to recover from.

I just am not feeling loved right now. Not from friends, family, or anybody. I need a good strong reassuring hug to make me feel better. I know that if I got that, I could finally cry (which I haven't done since my mom's funeral) and get all of the hurt, pain, and depression out. Everytime I try, I can't do it.


Blogger K Kaos said...

Sounds like you dealing with the trials and tribulations that come with life so I will spare u from the cliches. All u can do is not give up, nobody said it was gonna be easy.

11:50 PM, December 27, 2005  
Anonymous Bernie said...

I feel you on the lack of holiday spirit. Dad's passing just 20 days ago made Christmas a very non-festive event this year. I have enjoyed my time with family however, from whom I feel a great deal of love. But I also agree that having someone else, a non-relative, give me that same love, would be a special thing.

Hang in there. 2006, we get to wipe the slate clean and start all over.

12:02 AM, December 28, 2005  
Blogger No4real4real said...

Xmas is always a time of great joy and pain. Especially when someone close to you passes. You just have to find your strength and stay strong.

It is so fitting that you said you needed a hug but because I was going to recommend that. When I tell people they need a hug they think I be kidding but I am so serious. Most of us don't hug and seems you need to check a close friend get that hug you deserve. If you haven't cried since her death you have lot of repressed feelings. You will continue to feel pain until get that under control. You are never too black to get professional help - remember that!

Good luck to you man...

12:17 AM, December 28, 2005  
Blogger mytruth said...

man, I thought I was the only one who couldn't cry when I really feel it. I lost my father last year and I feel you. It takes something out of you that you can't describe. Maybe u need to confide in a friend. Who will just listen and not judge. Confession is good for the soul and it will help u get the love you feel like you are missing. No man is island...good luck

3:12 AM, December 28, 2005  
Blogger Pammie said...

Sweetie - I wonder why the moon and the stars line up at this particular time of the year to cast down this type of 'feeling' on man. It's as if God is chopping us in the back of our legs - demanding respect for this previous year and we hit our head on the coffee table in the process :)

Just know that alot of us are feeling this way and all I wanted for Christmas was a hug and a nut and I got a hug and went out with a NUT - so I'll be careful next year :)

Take care of yourself! and hang on in there!

11:49 AM, December 28, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

like the blog-very nice..lol very nice

5:20 PM, December 28, 2005  
Blogger fratman1906 said...

I just finished reading tim'm west's blog -porchdweller.blogspot.com- about needing hugs (and posted a comment). We all need that reassurance that comes from being held by another who says everything will turn out all right. Since so many of your fellow blogger would certainly extend that hug to you if we were there, I hope you will feel that love from these comments. Hang in there. Shem hotep.

12:55 AM, December 29, 2005  
Blogger Soulful Real said...

Whats up brotha hang in there man. I will spare the cliches too, instead im sending you a cyber hug.

11:06 AM, December 29, 2005  
Blogger Reg said...

Hope u wade through the funk, man. I lend u my heart and hope it gets better for you.


11:25 AM, December 29, 2005  
Blogger Tim said...

Man...I feel you on the holiday spirit...or lack of it. It'll get better. Just hold on and don't hold out!!!!

6:02 PM, December 29, 2005  
Blogger Stone said...

Baby you will be okay. I am sending good things your way. Feel it?

6:58 PM, December 29, 2005  
Blogger DizYaBoy said...

damn man ...

try 2 have a good new year!

12:18 AM, December 30, 2005  
Blogger Chosen Brotha said...

I just wanted to say that i've rediscovered your blog and i'm still loving it. Keep up the good work. Remember baby boy, we all go through this stuff. You're not alone. I'm going through the same thing for a longest time (career, love). I'm just going to stand until something happens and watch God move.

10:25 AM, December 30, 2005  
Blogger That Girl said...

Hang in there...stay positive...there is always at light at the end of the tunnel!

10:46 AM, December 30, 2005  
Blogger Essequibo said...

This gives me something to think about. Thanx.

You know, if you can experience that kind of loss and survive...you can handle most anything else.

1:05 PM, December 30, 2005  
Blogger ProfessorGQ said...

You will over overcome your financial, love, and other woes in 2006. Believe on that, ok?

Happy new year to you!!!

2:08 PM, December 30, 2005  
Blogger *Madosi said...

whoa dude!

if i had known you were dealing with all of this ...

when you get back, you and me, hanging out, talking shyt, acting a fool and huggin', AIGHT?!

i want you to be alright and know that i gots you and love ya much, you my boi ...

4:22 PM, December 30, 2005  
Blogger ProfessorB said...

I hope things get better for you in the new year.

5:36 PM, December 30, 2005  
Blogger Ladynay said...

Dag boo! I would furnish that hug if I could, but I can't :-( Keep that head up!

I am sending a cyber hug for the situations and a cyber hand slap for making another ID for that website!

10:57 PM, December 30, 2005  
Blogger E said...

R. Kelly had it right when he sang even a thug needs a hug. I'm not saying you're a thug, Dude...*LOL*.

Happy 2006 to you! And here's another cyber hug coming your way.

1:22 PM, December 31, 2005  

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