Sunday, November 20, 2005

Another Year.

Every year about this time, I get the same old feelings about the holidays. I never want to go home to Mobile. I hate going home because there is nothing for me there. Absolutely nothing. Some years I go and some, I don't. For some reason around the holidays, I just want to be alone and not be around people and I think these feelings are rooted in 2 issues.

The first is that my mother died in 2001 just before the holidays. She was the center of the family and since she died, I just don't feel like going to Mobile. I think that I have been to there 6 times in the last 4 years. When Mom was alive, I looked forward to going home to see her. It really seemed like we were a family when everyone would drive or fly home and we would sit around and eat and play cards and talk and laugh. Now it just seems like when I go home, we are just there to be there to say that we were there. There is no happiness and cheer like it used to be. I ain't gone waste my time going this time.

The second reason is that I don't feel truly connected to my family. And the truth is that I never have. This has a lot to do with the fact that I am gay, single and childless. When my family gathers, I feel left out. They talk about their kids and snuggle with their spouses or significant others, and I sit around and watch TV. They all "know" that I am gay, but nobody wants to talk about my life, but my sister. (and she is a lesbian and accepted by all). I don't want to just announce over the bullhorn that I am gay, but I do want to be acknowledged. I often wonder what will happen when I am with someone and decide to bring him home for the holidays.

This year, I just want to stay at home and sleep. I'll cook myself watch TV all day.


Blogger Karsh said...

I feel similarly around the holidays; I hate going home because I don't feel close to the family and there's nothing there for me (I didn't know you were from Mobile; I'm from Selma, actually). I've never been a big holiday person because folks who didn't like me all year all of a sudden play the "goodwill towards men" card. Naw, it. Now I just buy presents for myself and make sure I head out of town for New Year's.

12:31 AM, November 21, 2005  
Blogger K Kaos said...

I have family from Mobile Al. I will be honest its not my favorite place to visit, probably because my family there live in the middle of the woods. How come ur lesbian sister is accepted by all, but ur not?

12:55 AM, November 21, 2005  
Anonymous Bernie said...

Sounds like you may need to start your own holiday traditions.

1:09 AM, November 21, 2005  
Blogger Ladynay said...

For different reasons, I feel you on wanting to do the solo thing! Your not alone.

7:41 AM, November 21, 2005  
Blogger Jamal K. Franklin said...

I agree with Bernie. If I was in the ATL we'd definitely have to start some type of tradition. I feel ya, because I'm battling the same exact feeling. I'm thinking if I should go home for the holidays and you know what...the truth is I really don't feel connected to my family either. It's going to be really tough for me seeing as though this is my first major holiday away from home...Christmas and New Years will be hard too.

Coming Into Reality,

12:37 PM, November 21, 2005  
Blogger No4real4real said...

You will be cool man. Just don't spend the holiday alone. Chill with a close friend.

12:57 PM, November 21, 2005  
Blogger *Madosi said...

i feel ya man. sometimes i cannot stand being around my family because i just do not feel like i fit in.

we have to do something this year. a few friends of mine are talking about getting together, so you are more than welcome to join us!

11:20 AM, November 22, 2005  
Blogger TrinaBeingTrina said...

I know what it is like to loose your mother close to the holidays. I didn't want to celebrate Christmas right after loosing my mom. But me and my sister pulled together and started a tradition. We alternate where we have Christmas between her house or mine. We spend Christmas eve and Christmas morning together, open gifts and make breakfast, after that we can go our seperate ways. So you have to make your own traditions

By the way I have the same ? as k kaos, why is your sister accepted and you are not?

9:56 PM, November 22, 2005  
Blogger E said...

I think generally it's easier to accept a female family member being lesbian than it is a male being gay. That's just my feel on it.

I am planning a road trip to see my folks. I'm trying to enjoy as many as I can since tomorrow you never know. It's usually a small family affair...just my sisters and my parents....ohh, and my wicked stepcats...*LOL*.

10:57 PM, November 22, 2005  
Blogger Frederick Smith said...

I feel you on this entry. I hope whatever you do this holiday season, it's good for you.

2:19 PM, November 23, 2005  
Blogger That Girl said...

Yeah, you need your own holiday.

5:44 AM, November 27, 2005  

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