Friday, September 28, 2007

Here's The Deal

So Hollywood and I decided to call it quits on Sunday night. We finally just realized that we are just too different to try to make it work.


I like to talk about issues when the arise. He likes to talk about issues weeks after they have happened.

He is a homebody. I like to get out of the house when I have time.

He likes things his way and I am always willing to compromise.

He believes that things should always be harmonious. I accept that there will be some type of turmoil in any relationship.

I am affectionate. He could go without it.

He wants a boyfriend. I want a husband. *I NEVER pressured Hollywood into anything, but I did make my intentions clear that I wanted something permanent. And I did explain that I wasn't dating just to be doing it*

I know that this sounds one-sided because it is. I can only give my side of the story. I am sure that he has his list also.

We had an argument about something that he said before I went to Nassau. I mentioned it to him and he gave me a bullshit answer. We started yelling back and forth and then it hit me that I wasn't happy. I asked him if he could see a future with me and he didn't say "no", but the answer that he gave just had me taken aback. I don't want to repeat it because it hurt like hell to hear him say it and I was simply livid. Of course the yelling started again and I asked him why he was with me. His answer was that he liked me. There are just some things you don't say to someone that you like. He started with the "I don't think that we are gonna work out" bullshit again. I told him to just say what he really felt and he hesitated. I told him to just spit it out and he finally said "I think we should break up". He finally said what I know he had been feeling. I said "ok" and hung up the phone and haven't talked to him since.

But I wasn't sad or mad or hurt. I realized that no matter how much I wanted it to work and not matter how much I worked at it, we just weren't right for each other. So that situation is over and done with.

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Blogger lj said...

Probably for the best but still sucks. Sorry Man.

11:48 PM, September 28, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You said, "He wants a boyfriend. I want a husband."

Me playing devil's advocate, it seems you haven't mastered how to be a boyfriend to him it seems before he is willing to give you what you desire- a husband.

I guess he is tired of being pressured by your time line.

5:58 AM, September 29, 2007  
Blogger That Dude Right There said...

@LJ-I"m not sorry about the situation. I did learn something for it.

@Captain-Maybe you are right, but that's not the reason that we decided to part ways. He wouldn't let me be his boyfriend, so I knew that being his husband/partner wasn't gonna happen.

6:46 AM, September 29, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate breaking up with people over the phone.

7:27 AM, September 29, 2007  
Anonymous Steve said...

One thing I have observed about gay relationships throughout my life is that in almost every one there is one partner who is the giver and one partner who is the taker. It remains unspoken, but I wonder if your ultimate conflict was really about who was going to play which role. In my experience, the giver often gets tired of giving, and wants the taker to respect them by giving once in a while. Or, the taker begins to take more than the giver is willing to allow and gets called on it. Couples who can successfully negotiate this give/take part of the relationship tend to stay together in my opinion (observation?)

You've shown via your blog a tendency to have something of a "hard nosed" side in regards to what you are looking for. That's not necessarily a bad thing. But if you're at a point in a relationship where you're having to negotiate this give/take thing, that might cause the stess to heat up a bit.

Breaking up isn't necessarily the end. People get back together. Make-up sex can be pretty great. Perhaps this is just a bump in the negotiation of the terms of your relationship. Unfortunately, in the gay community, these kinds of things tend to be "the end." But you don't have to let it be so if you really care about him. It might be about how much you are willing to compromise.

(On the other hand, I might be full of shit and your willingness to compromise might have nothing to do with it at all.)

7:54 AM, September 29, 2007  
Blogger J said...

breaking up is never easy to do even when u know its the best thing. No matter what, I always feel like I've failed.

So wo wo wo! :-)

The right one will be along but only at the right time.

Dont u hate when people say shit like that??

9:02 AM, September 29, 2007  
Blogger That Dude Right There said...

@Sean-I would rather do it over the phone. That way I don't get ask "well can we have sex one more time?"

@Steve-Now you have me wondering if I give to much. Thanks for making me think. But we are not getting back together. I don't even want to entertain that thought.

@J-I think that this was the easiest breakup that I have ever experienced.

9:16 AM, September 29, 2007  
Blogger Tim said...

Sorry to hear about what happened man. I'm almost sure it was for the best.

Keep your head up...but I'm sure you'll have no problems with that.

10:02 AM, September 29, 2007  
Blogger jump off JOE said...

What's preventing you from "talking" to him? You simply ended the type of relationship you had or was trying to have. It appears that you invested a lot in him and the relationship. Closure is so very important. Of course you know what "closure" is for you and what it means. It has great utility as you move forward with new opportunities. There is no fun constantly looking back at how things ended with a person. Talk to him and say goodbye properly.

These are general comments. I am sure you will do the right thing for YOU.

6:58 PM, September 29, 2007  
Blogger That Dude Right There said...

@Tim-There's no need to be sorry because it WAS for the best.

@Joe-I will talk to him eventually, but right now, I don't want to. I need to have time to let him drain from my heart. I started dealing with the closure weeks before we broke up because I knew that it was coming.

7:33 PM, September 29, 2007  
Blogger E said...

First of I'm sorry to hear about your break-up.

I'm commenting on the tail of some great observations by other bloggers.

Jump off joe has a point about closure. Doing it by phone doesn't seem like the most satisfactory way of ending things (though with your schedule and his, it may be best). I would probably rather have Rock and I do one last dinner where we can talk it out and determine if we're truly ready to end things. But on the flipside, this face to face may lead to a Vanessa L. Williams "Just For Tonight" scenario. You know the whole if we have sex one last time, things may be different.

I like steve's observation about "give and take". I think in every relationship, one person tends to be more in the role. Relating it to me again (sorry...I know it's your blog..*LOL*), I always thought of myself as more of the giver but thinking about it, I think Rock is actually more of the true giver in my relationship. It's not that I "take, take, take"...but I can see where he's gone out of his way time and time again to do things that makes me happy. Actually that may be part of why we're still hanging in there (despite a few bumpy calls). I do see him for who he is and I also try to give to him wherever I can.

As much as things should be 50/50 in a relationship, it never really is. I think if we're ok with our partner's general role in our lives, that it does help make things smoother. No guarantees, of course.

I look forward to hearing about your next chapter in life.

7:59 PM, September 29, 2007  
Blogger Cocoa Rican said...

Relationships aren't always easy and God knows I'm learning to compromise and hold my quick wit and temper more often than not. Not everything is what it seems and I'm learning that my man can't say or do any-or-everything the way I want him to. All said, it is hard Dude...I'm still sorry you experienced any type of discomfort. I gotta believe that it's life's way of clearing the path for your Mr. Right.

6:12 PM, September 30, 2007  
Blogger d said...

Move on. Now you have som much time free from drama you are thinking of squeezing in an MBA.. Change is usually for the best. Never fear change.

9:09 PM, September 30, 2007  
Blogger Mr. Jones said...

[quote]"I would rather do it over the phone. That way I don't get ask "well can we have sex one more time?"[/quote]

If the sex is good, why not?

9:45 AM, October 01, 2007  
Blogger That Dude Right There said...

@E-Steve got me to thinking about the give/take dynamic of me and Hollywood's situation. I think that I was giving and he was taking and enjoying, but he wasn't giving as much as I needed.

@Cocoa-The grass has been cut and the path is all clear

@D-You are right about the MBA. I think that I was focusing to much energy on "me and ___" instead of focusing on my first. I have a lot to work on.

@Mr. Jones-Too many emotions are involved and I don't want to start thinking that sex will lead us back together. Especially since I have decided that this one is completely over.

10:50 AM, October 01, 2007  
Blogger Kyon Saucier said...

Oh sweet heart if he can't see a future with you than you are better without him. Trust me you really are. You're cute someone else will snatch you up...

3:35 PM, October 01, 2007  
Blogger bLaQ~n~MiLD said...

"Give and Take" eh...? Hmmmm I wonder which one I am...? Well 6 months and counting...

Sorry about ya break-up with Hollywood but you'll be back in action soon enough. Keep ya head up.

12:16 PM, October 02, 2007  
Blogger yet another black guy said...

well kudos to you for being an adult about it and moving on. no sense in staying with someone just to be with somebody. you have more important things to worry about than trying to get someone to let you into their life fully.

5:16 PM, October 02, 2007  
Anonymous Steve said...

N - I have often found in relationships I "give" too much in the sense that I'm willing to compromise a lot about who I am in an effort to try to make the relationship work. That often backfires in that it makes you the "submissive" partner in the relationship (not necessarily sex, though.) When you finally stake out some territory, it often comes as a big surprise to the other partner, and that's when the trouble can begin. Being a stronger personality, I often feel that need to compromise to let someone in initially, and making the transition is often (always?) tricky. In fact, where I've had the most success is when I let these things unfold over long periods of time, with plenty of opportunities to negotiate some equality. That generally means no sex, at least for some time, and for many people that will kill the relationship right there.

Anyway, I don't really know you well enough to preach, so I'll step back. Relationships are just plain tricky, and we live in an age when the complications have multiplied immensely.

Continued good will!

6:51 PM, October 03, 2007  

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