I'm Gay!
I'm Gay! I know that a lot of you are thinking, "well no shit Sherlock." But you have to realize what this means to me. This is one of those rambling post, so it may not flow.
Back in 1998 when I was still in college, I was sitting in my dorm room and had what Oprah calls and "Ahh" moment. I was watching television and it just kept running through my mind that "i'm gay, i'm gay, i'm gay." I don't know where this thought came from, but it made me realize some things about my life.
I realized that I had pretty much been lying to people (and myself) about my life and therefore giving them control over it. If someone were to ask me if I was gay before that day, I would have lied and said "no". I never could have imagined actually telling someone that I was a homosexual. Never. I had always known that I was attracted to men and had also been having sex for many a year by then. I never tried to actually do anything to hide the fact like have a girlfriend or anything, but to actually verbalize the words "i'm gay" to someone, it just couldn't happen.
But after the day that I realized that I was gay through and through. I then told myself that I would not lie about it or deny it or hide it. I now live be a "dont' advertise, don't deny" policy. I don't go about waving my sexuality like a flag, but I damn sure am not going to lie about it when asked about it.
I have also realized that my life will not be that much different from that of my heterosexual counterparts. I may not have a wife and 2.5 kids, but what I will have is a husband and 2.5 kids. We will have love and a home and family weekends and go to Grandma's for Christmas and Thanksgiving just like any other family.
I don't think that this post clearly describes what I felt that day back in 1998, but it was a feeling like no other. It was like a moment of clarity. It was like something (maybe God) was telling me to accept myself for myself. And that is exactly what I have and will continue to do.
Back in 1998 when I was still in college, I was sitting in my dorm room and had what Oprah calls and "Ahh" moment. I was watching television and it just kept running through my mind that "i'm gay, i'm gay, i'm gay." I don't know where this thought came from, but it made me realize some things about my life.
I realized that I had pretty much been lying to people (and myself) about my life and therefore giving them control over it. If someone were to ask me if I was gay before that day, I would have lied and said "no". I never could have imagined actually telling someone that I was a homosexual. Never. I had always known that I was attracted to men and had also been having sex for many a year by then. I never tried to actually do anything to hide the fact like have a girlfriend or anything, but to actually verbalize the words "i'm gay" to someone, it just couldn't happen.
But after the day that I realized that I was gay through and through. I then told myself that I would not lie about it or deny it or hide it. I now live be a "dont' advertise, don't deny" policy. I don't go about waving my sexuality like a flag, but I damn sure am not going to lie about it when asked about it.
I have also realized that my life will not be that much different from that of my heterosexual counterparts. I may not have a wife and 2.5 kids, but what I will have is a husband and 2.5 kids. We will have love and a home and family weekends and go to Grandma's for Christmas and Thanksgiving just like any other family.
I don't think that this post clearly describes what I felt that day back in 1998, but it was a feeling like no other. It was like a moment of clarity. It was like something (maybe God) was telling me to accept myself for myself. And that is exactly what I have and will continue to do.
posted by That Dude Right There at
4/13/2006 09:46:00 PM
8 Comments:
I was just so shocked when I said I'm gay out loud for the first time. I was just in awe of myself. I know how that moment feels though.
Epiphany.
Hey, gotta know thy self.
youre wonderful.
"Don't advertise,don't deny", I like that. More people should live by that rule.
Captain,
What "decision" are you speaking of? I didn't decide to be gay on that fateful day in 1998. I realized that my life was different. If you don't understand that, then you obviously have not had that revelation. You really should.
It was like a big wall of bricks fell on your head, and the bricks were rainbow colored.
I LOVE how you were watching Oprah when this happened. She is like a part of almost every gay black man on the planet.
-Marz
Most of us have that momment where we finally accept it. Once it is true to you, it will be true to others. Never deny yourself. Good move. I have the same policy you have.
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