Going Against My Convictions

I decided to do something that I haven't done in 10 years and said that I would never do again! You know i'm not with that suspense ish, so i'll tell you what it is. I'm going to church!

My last time going to church was back in the summer of 1998 in Tuscaloosa, AL. I don't remember the name of the church, but I can remember what happened. I went with this guy named Charles who was one of those church kids. He LIVED for church and was there when the doors opened. He loved everything about going to church. I actually saw him once right a check to the church for his tithes and offerering for $100 amid tears of joy and "love for the Lord". The check bounced.

Getting back to the story, I remember wondering what the sermon would be about that day. As soon as the preacher opened his mouth and said "I want to talk about a sensitive subject today", I knew what it would be about, homosexuals going to hell. And I was right. During the sermon, I kept looking over at Charles who was shaking his head in the affirmative with everything that the preacher said. This was the same Charles who had just told us the night before that he enjoyed sucking dicks when they were soft and feeling them get hard in his mouth. I also looked around at all of the dudes in the church whom I knew were gay. All of them just staring at the preacher as though he was a stripper in a club. They were soaking it up. I was sitting there thinking that these are the same guys that are going home to a boyfriend or meeting a dude for sex later in the day.

I realized that I had sat through this shit for years growing up when I didn't have a choice whether or not I wanted to go to church. But at this point, I was grown and I wasn't going to deal with this bullshit anymore. It seemed that everytime I went to church, I was being told a different reason why I was going to burn in hell for eternity unless I did this or did that. I never left the sanctuary feeling good about what I had heard. I always felt like I was living my life wrong and just couldn't be right.

After thinking for a few minutes, I stood up in the middle of the sermon. Charles asked me if I was going to the bathroom and I said to him "i'm getting the fuck out of here because i'm sick of this shit". The lady next to me almost fainted and of course everyone looked at me when I stood up. But I didn't care. I just had to get the hell out of there. I've only been to 2 churches since then, and they were both for funerals.

When I got home, I called my mother and talked to her about how I felt. She spoke some words that I remember from childhood. She said "man doesn't have a heaven or hell to put you in, so you don't answer to him". After I got off the phone, I thought about what she had said and it clicked in my head that church and religion were manmade and they weren't doing me any good. I said I would never go to church again, but that I would continue my relationship with God on my terms. Not on the terms of what others said.

But for some reason last Sunday, something told me to try church again. So this Sunday *why I chose Easter, I don't know* i'm going to attend church with one of my friends. I've decided that I'm going in with no expectations or resentment. My assessment of how I feel when I leave will determine my next course of action as to whether or not I want to open myself back up to Christianity or not. Probably not, but going can't hurt, hopefully.

But, then again, I may not go at all.

*I decided to wait until the next Sunday to attend. Easter Sunday just isn't ideal*