Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Going Against My Convictions

I decided to do something that I haven't done in 10 years and said that I would never do again! You know i'm not with that suspense ish, so i'll tell you what it is. I'm going to church!

My last time going to church was back in the summer of 1998 in Tuscaloosa, AL. I don't remember the name of the church, but I can remember what happened. I went with this guy named Charles who was one of those church kids. He LIVED for church and was there when the doors opened. He loved everything about going to church. I actually saw him once right a check to the church for his tithes and offerering for $100 amid tears of joy and "love for the Lord". The check bounced.

Getting back to the story, I remember wondering what the sermon would be about that day. As soon as the preacher opened his mouth and said "I want to talk about a sensitive subject today", I knew what it would be about, homosexuals going to hell. And I was right. During the sermon, I kept looking over at Charles who was shaking his head in the affirmative with everything that the preacher said. This was the same Charles who had just told us the night before that he enjoyed sucking dicks when they were soft and feeling them get hard in his mouth. I also looked around at all of the dudes in the church whom I knew were gay. All of them just staring at the preacher as though he was a stripper in a club. They were soaking it up. I was sitting there thinking that these are the same guys that are going home to a boyfriend or meeting a dude for sex later in the day.

I realized that I had sat through this shit for years growing up when I didn't have a choice whether or not I wanted to go to church. But at this point, I was grown and I wasn't going to deal with this bullshit anymore. It seemed that everytime I went to church, I was being told a different reason why I was going to burn in hell for eternity unless I did this or did that. I never left the sanctuary feeling good about what I had heard. I always felt like I was living my life wrong and just couldn't be right.

After thinking for a few minutes, I stood up in the middle of the sermon. Charles asked me if I was going to the bathroom and I said to him "i'm getting the fuck out of here because i'm sick of this shit". The lady next to me almost fainted and of course everyone looked at me when I stood up. But I didn't care. I just had to get the hell out of there. I've only been to 2 churches since then, and they were both for funerals.

When I got home, I called my mother and talked to her about how I felt. She spoke some words that I remember from childhood. She said "man doesn't have a heaven or hell to put you in, so you don't answer to him". After I got off the phone, I thought about what she had said and it clicked in my head that church and religion were manmade and they weren't doing me any good. I said I would never go to church again, but that I would continue my relationship with God on my terms. Not on the terms of what others said.

But for some reason last Sunday, something told me to try church again. So this Sunday *why I chose Easter, I don't know* i'm going to attend church with one of my friends. I've decided that I'm going in with no expectations or resentment. My assessment of how I feel when I leave will determine my next course of action as to whether or not I want to open myself back up to Christianity or not. Probably not, but going can't hurt, hopefully.

But, then again, I may not go at all.

*I decided to wait until the next Sunday to attend. Easter Sunday just isn't ideal*

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20 Comments:

Blogger E said...

I'm not a regular church goer myself but it's cool you're revisiting a church. Easter Sunday's as good a time as any. I'll be back in Detroit myself and will likely attend Easter service with my family.

11:13 PM, March 19, 2008  
Blogger Bernie said...

Since you already know that church is a manmade construct, it is important that you seek out the right church for you. One that affirms you completely. Don't just "go to church" but find the church that speaks to your needs. They are out there.

11:24 PM, March 19, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude - While I think you were right the first time, I don't think it hurts to go back and get a reality check. I did that a couple times, but finally figured out their message hasn't changed. Sadly, church in our culture is not about god, but about social conformity.

My course was to become a minister myself. I don't have a church, but I can be satisfied in the knowledge that at least ONE preacher has a different view than these smug bastards. And I perform gay weddings. And I, when I do talk about God, am certain to say God loves all his creatures.

Ain't got no room for hypocrites in my life.

Steve

7:34 AM, March 20, 2008  
Blogger I am J said...

That made me smile.

I want to hug you now.

*i haven't been to church in bout six months*

8:01 AM, March 20, 2008  
Blogger Mr. Jones said...

I'm not a frequent visitor, but I'm not completely opposed to going to church. I refuse to make Easter, Christmas, New Year's, Communion Sunday, Palm Sunday, and/or the Pastor's Anniversary my first appearance though. Too much going on.

10:55 AM, March 20, 2008  
Blogger The Captain said...

I just want to take a brief moment to say two things:

1. I disagree with Bernie- The church was made by God and given to us to maintain and grow until He returns. Jesus establish the Kingdome of Heaven on earth for all who will call upon Him as Lord.

2. You said, "I would continue my relationship with God on my terms." Unfortunately, God doesn't work like this. If your terms and thoughts worked for you, then you wouldn't need God or a need a relationship with God. Who are we to give God orders and terms? Who are we to govern and control Him? He is the Father, the Lord of All and He is to be feared and respected as such.

God resists the proud and exalt the humble- now that's the bible!

11:02 AM, March 20, 2008  
Blogger *Madosi said...

oh wow! i am glad that you are deciding to try something different and being open-minded about it. let me know how it works out for you.

11:07 AM, March 20, 2008  
Anonymous Jared said...

Awww... I guess I could be categorized as "church kid", now tithes, ummmm... yeah no. I really hope you have a good time in church on Sunday. Write to tell about it punkin..

11:44 AM, March 20, 2008  
Blogger yet another black guy said...

"The check bounced." ROTFLMBAO!!!!

2:10 PM, March 20, 2008  
Blogger Kyon Saucier said...

Find a church that gives the message of Jesus in a way that you can receive it my friend and the check bounced thing was hilarious.

5:06 PM, March 20, 2008  
Blogger bLaQ~n~MiLD said...

Hmmmmmm...interestingly enough, I agree with Captain. You can't in one breath say that you want a relationship with God but then confine that relationship to your terms. Granted I do not frequent the church as much as I did in my formative years but my relationship with God is strong. I'm not religious, I just love the LORD!

As for your boy Charles and the rest of the B.F.F.C. (Blantant Fags For Christ) family, I don't deal with them or anyone who talks out both sides of their mouths!

~Damnit!

8:58 AM, March 21, 2008  
Blogger Troy N. said...

Wonder why no explicit description of the cute and cruisible among the congregation and the no vivid takes on all the various outfits in modern day churchwear.
The biggest freaks do chruch and pointing them out with your eyes and mind while there adds to the ambiance. And what about those soul food dinners afterwards in the basement or at some buffet place across town?? One needs to know, ya know.
LOL@the check bounced! I bet he used his good pen and leather check wallet that day!LOL!!!

11:31 AM, March 21, 2008  
Blogger Chet said...

The church experience can be a very rewarding and glorious experience. Attending church builds character and spiritual strength.

I have not been in church attendance in quite sometime, and my friends have more than once accused me of being a CME Member(Christmas, Mother and Easter). On the contrary I do not attend on those particular days.

Pleased to hear that you haven't lost the faith and that you are willing to step in church.

I am still gagging out loud at the thought of your friend writing the church a check that bounced! What a mess.

1:50 PM, March 21, 2008  
Blogger Ladynay said...

If you went today the sermon could not have been about homosexuality. It's against the Easter Sunday rules! LOL Most preachers talk about the same thing on Easter Sunday.

"HE HAS RISEN"

Happy churchin' darling.

5:06 PM, March 23, 2008  
Blogger Darius T. Williams said...

Well praise the lord - lol...how was it?

9:50 PM, March 23, 2008  
Blogger Sean Stone said...

You're the fourth person I know who said they were going to church.

10:57 AM, March 24, 2008  
Blogger Ailed LittleKnight said...

I'm mad that I read all of that and you still aint go to church!I wanted to hear what the preacher had to say and here you go bursting my bubble! You're going to hell for that! haha

9:43 AM, March 25, 2008  
Blogger Cash S. said...

I was about to ask how it went, but I saw your update at the bottom lol.

I'm feeling you on this post though. I think I might go on Sunday too. If you go, I'll go.

1:50 PM, March 25, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I understand about your wanting to skip Easter - it is kind of a lot, what with the pagentry and all. On the other hand, i just LOVE the homo-eroticism of that holiday!

Steve

11:47 PM, March 25, 2008  
Blogger life said...

Okay, go to church already...lol! I'm ready to read about it. I hope you have a positive experience and receive something that bless you mind, body, and soul. Ignore the people...listen for the message God has especially for you.

5:55 PM, March 30, 2008  

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