So for the 6th weekend in a row, Beatmug and Goofy have come to Atlanta, from Birmingham to party (and next week will make 7). I wasn't planning on going out, but they offered to pay my way in and buy my drinks if I would let them stay with me and go out with them.
We were having a good time talking with people that we knew and having a few drinks. While sipping on my Long Island Iced Tea, I turned around and froze. I didn't want to see him, but he was standing right there 3 feet in front of me. If you don't know who he is, it's VP. My ex from a couple years back. He's the man that inspired this
and a few more postings.
I swear, as soon as I looked into his eyes, my heart started racing, my mouth went dry, my hands started sweating, and I downed my drink! Then he smile at me and all of those physiological actions went into overdrive. I had no intentions of doing what I did, but I went over to him to speak. We talked for a minute about a few things and then I walked away. I asked him about the kids, his job, and his mom. He asked me about nothing.
After I walked away, I just felt strange all over. And what made it worse is that he seemed to follow me around the club smiling at me. At one point, he stood right next to me, but wouldn't say anything to me. I found out that it was because the guy that was standing to the left of him was the guy that he was seeing. I imagine that he must have told the dude who I was, because the guy kept staring at me like he wanted me dead. I was ready to kick off the shoes and take of my sweater and whoop some ass in the club. I guess Beatmug must have sensed what was going on because he handed me 151 and coke. After that, I just walked away again.
During my walk to the other side of the club, I felt someone grab by ass and take a squeeze. When I turned around and saw that it was VP, I didn't know what to do. Later on, he asked me for my phone number, but when I didn't see him pull out his phone to record it, I gave him a my old home phone number. I wonder who he called?
So finally we left the club and headed to Waffle House for some breakfast before heading home. The entire time I was eating and driving, I couldn't get my mind off of him.
Why does this man affect me like this?
Why do I still love him?
Why do I have this affinity for him?
Why, after 1.5 years apart can't I get over him if I know that he's no good?
Why doesn't he just grab me and hold me and never let go?
Why doesn't he feel the same way that I do?
All day Sunday, I kept asking myself these questions and replaying our relationship over and over in my head. I put my 'Come Back to Me" Cd in and listened to Whitney sing "Why Does It Hurt So Bad". I listened to Patti sing "Kiss Away the Pain". I listened to Xscape sing "The Arms of the One Who Loves You". I just felt like crying, but as we all know, I am incapable of doing that.
I had been depressed all day thinking about someone who I am sure is not thinking about me. So I turned to the one "person" that I knew could help. So while sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to Vermont, I just prayed to God for the strength to get this man out of my head and heart. Well, as I have witnessed, prayer works when it's sincere. The next day, I didn't even think about him, or Hollywood, or Infiniti, or Dreads, or Chicago.
I realized that although I have strong feelings (maybe even still be love) for these men, I don't have to let my feelings for them consume me. And I thank God for that.
But now I have to take the test of seeing any one of them again and see what happens. God be with me.
Labels: Depression, Love, Relationships, Why